Seventynine.

Tomorrow is going to be the most horrible day ever. No joke.

Going out to breakfast with my bf and his friends. -- FAIL
going to spend the rest of the day with my bf -- EPIC FAIL
new years party that night -- MOST LIKELY A FAIL


i can't wait until school so that i can stop eating for good. Cuz right now i always have a good day and then the bf wants to hang out (which is absolutely the worst for eating) or my mom wants me home for dinner (always ruins however good the day had been) or i go hang out with people (always food sitting out). Honestly the worst is hanging out with my boyfriend cuz he knows everything from before so i can't just deny eating all the time. I love him. i do. but i always feel like shit afterwards cuz i always eat when i'm with him and when i just stay home by myself i sit in my room away from food and read all day or go on the computer.

Only four more days until school. Then only one day a week to be forced to eat with my bf and usually about 2 days to have to eat dinner with my parents. Three days guaranteed every week where i don't have to eat anything. And i get to go back to dancing everyday and doing gymnastics. Thank god there's only 4 more days.

Seventyeight.

Why is it that other people must force me to eat throughout the day?
(that means my mother and my boyfriend)

I wasn't hungry and i was doing so well today too.
Lied to the bf and told him i already ate lunch before he picked me up so i skipped lunch after having coffee for breakfast. Said no when he told me to eat his french fries. Went home and wanted to eat but didn't. Go into the kitchen so he can get water and my mother brings out chips and dip, tells us (me in particular) to eat it, and stays in the kitchen watching to make sure i ate some before she left the room. No joke. She stayed for a long time too. Picked everything up after she left the room and put it all away.
Next time she comes downstairs she tells me to eat a cookie, tells me where they are, and tells me that i need to start eating them fast before they go bad. So i'm forced to go get one. I take the smaller one, have my bf take a bite and make my mom take a bite. But still. A cookie. fuck me. Then my mothers only solution to feeding a vegetarian is chili or pasta so she decides to makes pasta and rolls. I took one small scoop and spread it out over my plate so that it looked like it was full. Didn't put any cheese on it. Managed to not get caught not eating any rolls. And i ate one or two noodles at a time and counted how many times i chewed each bite. It took me longer to finish my scoop than it did for my mom to eat her plate and roll. Then i folded and had a peppermint.

I did my best with what i forced to do minus the peppermint after dinner.
God i just want to be positive about something. And things were starting to get better. There was almost something to be positive about. Now i'm just even more mad at myself and my body.

***(five minutes later)

Just cut a little bit for the first time in a while. Why does it feel so good. Im so much more relaxed even though it was just a small one. Not even deep.

it's an addiction. That's why.

I started doing it as a release so now thats the only thing i know that works as a release. I don't know anything else that will make me relax or make worries go away for a while and aren't regrettable.

-Most people eat when they're depressed.
eating makes me more depressed
-Other people drink when they're depressed
i regret all of those calories later and become even more depressed
-Other people do drugs
the only thing i can get is weed which makes me eat a lot
-Some people hang out with friends to cheer up
i just make other people uncomfortable if i'm depressed
-Some people go shopping
i already did this week so now i have no money
-Some people listen to happy music
happy music gives me a headache when i'm depressed.
it also makes me angry for some reason
-Some people go to the gym to relax
i have no gym membership
-Some people need to vent to someone about their problems
i don't really have a problem i'm just depressed and i can't talk to anyone about this anyways

That leaves me with the only option i know that helps me feel better -- cutting.
and it works. i did it again while writing that last section.
even when they're insignificant little cuts, they still help me to feel better or relax. I don't know why.
I wish i didn't have to hide them. Then life would be so much easier.
but then again, nothing about this life is easy.......

Seventyseven.

I cut out a piece of coffee cake, walked to the mirror, looked at my stomach, walked back to the dish, reattached it to the rest of the coffee cake, took my cup of coffee and left the kitchen.

Seventysix.

So, i tried on my corset again after finishing that last post and i can squeeze into it with it tightened all the way. The string loosened up a little when i put it on, but i tightened it all the way beforehand.

Seventyfive.

i apologize for length of the last post.

and how incredibly random and scattered the writing was.

i can't keep my mind in one direction right now

Seventyfour.

I've been getting better and better each day but i still feel ridiculously fat.

I moved all the candy and all the cookies i got for christmas downstairs and in public places so that i won't mindlessly eat while in my room. hopefully this will help me a lot because snacking is what really fucks me over. All the tiny little handfuls that you think "oh i'm only taking a tiny bit" add up throughout the day when you don't realize it.

I think i'm slowly gaining back some control. I walked away from things at christmas, i didn't add anything to my lunch yesterday despite my mom yelling at me "You have to start eating better and getting more protein or i'm gunna come down on your ass", i pretty much stuck to just vegetables for dinner last night, i went for a run yesterday, i've opened the banana bread and then walked away 3 times without eating any, i walked away from the coffee cake this morning, and today i had coffee for breakfast and my 30 calorie popcorn for lunch.

While typing that i felt pretty good, but then i looked down at my stomach. I dont see how if i can do good things like that my body doesn't get any smaller. I keep replaying in my mind the day when my dance teacher asked me if i was eating and told me that i look like im not eating enough and i'm getting really thin. I was about 98 pounds that day and i felt fantastic. All i want is that body, that control, and those feelings. However with that control i can get the other two (hopefully).

Sorry if my posts have been kind of downers lately. I've been depressed for some reason and i lost control of everything for a while which means i gained weight. I look disgusting right now. Cassy wants me to post a picture of my new corset. I will post a picture when i'm small enough to wear it all the way tightened. i promise. but that might be a while. the tie up the back is out like an inch.

I'm sorry (if you've read this far in this post) that you've had to listen to me rant about how fat i am in all of my recent posts. I'm sure it doesn't help any of you in what you're trying to do. Unfortunately, (especially when theres no school) its all i think about. all the time.

In other news, the urge to cut is back so strongly it's taking all of me not to get the blade out of my paper cutter as i sit in my bed right now. I'm holding off because i'm seeing my boyfriend almost everyday and i also don't know if i'm going to go get lasered tomorrow. (of which i have to take my pants off in front of my mother for) I sit and look at my scars and i want more. I don't know why. It seems strange to want to be marked for some very socially unacceptable thing, but i guess most of my life is socially unacceptable anyways.

the wind is blowing outside. i wish i was light enough to blow away.

Seventythree.

Christmas was bad but not horrific. I honestly expected it to be much worse.

Breakfast:

1 small slice of banana bread (forced by my mother)

no belgian waffle !

Lunch/snacks:

zucchini

cucumber

red bell pepper

apple slices

about 7 whole wheat ritz crackers with cheese

vegetarian chili dip =[

(all was good until the chili dip)

Dinner:

Green bean casserole

All natural applesauce

jello

broccoli

1 roll (i couldn't resist.... i hardly ever get these)

didn't eat the mac and cheese

Dessert:

3 cookies

Drinks:

1 diet soda

1 0 calorie lifewater

Minus the roll and the chili dip i think i did pretty good for being literally engulfed by food all day. I actually walked out of the kitchen and went upstairs. That way i couldn't see the food, smell the food, or watch other people eat the food. I got yelled at for being antisocial, but it was worth not eating many more calories. I managed to safely avoid the waffles at breakfast and the mac and cheese at dinner. I told my grandma "maybe later" for the waffle and i got the mac n cheese into the trash without being seen. success! haha.

As for the more unfortunate parts....... I did have one roll. Wood ranch rolls are just one thing i can never resist no matter how strict i'm being about food. If we get Wood Ranch rolls at least one will end up in my mouth. Luckily, it was just one. =] Back to my little failures for the day. The chili dip was really bad. I probably had about 10 chips with the dip on them. It was so good and my aunt made a vegetarian one just for me. I couldn't completely avoid. And once you start eating, you can't stop. However, after a little i forced myself out of the kitchen.

As for dessert i don't know whether to call it a success or a failure. 3 cookies by any normal standards would be an epic fail. However, when there are trays of more than 10 different types of cookies, truffles, and chocolates plus 4 pies me only taking 3 cookies is pretty good. Especially when i'm usually a sucker for dessert. I think i'll consider it a mini failure. I could've resisted a little more i think. Maybe.

Oh and i got a corset for christmas.

My Goal:

To fit in the corset with it laced up as tight as it can go

Who knows when or if i will accomplish this goal, but i would be thrilled if i could accomplish it.

Well, i hope you all survived christmas and i wish everyone luck (including myself) for the rest of the holiday season

-SW

Seventytwo.

i just said no to rice, kettle corn, popcorn, cookies, and truffles.

fuck yeah

Seventyone.

Well...... christmas eve is coming to a close and i can already tell that everything is going to be even worse than i expected. There is so much food. SOOOOOO much food. It is insane. And my mother is going to make sure i eat it. I can't even tell you what i had for dinner tonight. I'm embarrassed. Legitimately embarrassed. I have however already made use of the toilet since dinner. For all of you who know of the restaurant claim jumper, that's where we went for dinner if that tells you anything about the amount of food i consumed.

Tomorrow shouldn't be any better. I will be slaughtered by my family if i don't eat a belgian waffle in the morning so there goes my day first thing. Hopefully i will be able to restrict myself to the vegetable platter when it comes time for the grazing around the kitchen that is lunch. And another hopefully for dinner. The hopefully is salad. If there's salad i'll load my plate with it (dressingless) so that theres not much room for the homemade mac and cheese. I watched my grandma make it and i know the ridiculous amount of cheese that is in it. Straight onto my stomach that's going. Either that or my thighs. It's a toss up.

Honestly, i'm just really pissed at myself. I've lost all my self control. I don't know where it went and i don't know how to regain it. If i could just gather up all the self control that allowed me to fast on days where i had hours of gymnastics and dance then i would be set for surviving a couple days in my own home.

I keep picturing what it could be like if i had my own place or when i go to college. If i only had certain foods in the house so there was nothing bad for me to eat. I would also go vegan if i lived alone/ at college. That would make it easier for me. I mean i'm already vegetarian but being vegan would cut back so much more stuff. I can't wait to get out of here. I can't wait for me to be thinner. All i need is the 98 pounds i was only a few short weeks ago and the self control that got me there.

Seventy.

Sorry i haven't posted in so long.

Life has run me over.

...... too bad i wasn't squished into something a little smaller

cookies cookies cookies galore

means

gain gain gain galore

I can already tell that this (as my mom calls it) "cookie season" is going to be very hard to get through. I can't resist anything. ANYTHING. At least not so far. Fortunately, i still fit into my kids size jeans without suffocating. however, i am gaining and i can tell. It's going to be bad But being vegetarian helps me out sometimes. Like Christmas for example. I can't eat a lot of the stuff they're serving for dinner. but unfortunately they're making special things for me..... so that they can make sure that i eat.

FUCK THE FACT THAT MY PARENTS KNOW !

seriously it's so hard. If they hadn't found out my life would be so much easier. Now they're always skeptical of me and keen on my eating habits. They also make sure to buy me foods that i can eat when they're eating something else. And they always make sure to buy me things with protein. Too bad everything with protein has a million calories. fuck. why can't i just say "obliviate" and have their memories erased?

sorry. Harry Potter reference =]

In other news. I've been sick for 2 weeks now. that also sucks. but i would be sick for a month to have my parents forget about my eating and cutting habits.

*sigh* how does anyone get through a holiday season when their parents know that they were anorexic? I don't want to get sent to therapy again. I guess it helps that i can't eat any of the pies or cookies made with lard. There will also most likely be a salad which i will take a HUGE helping of. I just need to try and refrain from eating too many other cookies and breakfast foods. Delicious breakfast foods and cookies kill me. I can survive lunches and usually dinners just fine but breakfast and dessert ruin me.

and there are no tricks for these meals. You can't fake eating a belgian waffle in front of your whole family. And you can't sneak cookies away. And those cookies sit out for hours at a time tempting you for literally a month. I am about to die.

My first hope is that i can find some sort of self control or inner strength to make it through the holidays relatively OK. M second hope is that i get enough money during christmas to buy all the books i want read which (when i read them) will for sure spark new motivation to lose weight.

ugh. I will not survive the next few weeks in my kids jeans.

*pulls out the sweats*

Sixtynine.

So yesterday was absolutely ridiculous. Disneyland is a food house. I did have a good time and it wasn't crowded until later at night, but my dear god did i eat more than i should have. Started off the day with muffins(my daddy made me breakfast for my bday), then had some kettle corn, then a peanut butter cookie, cheese pizza for lunch, special K bar, shared a huge rice krispie treat with my mother, pasta with marinara sauce and a breadstick for dinner, an apple, and to top it all off i finished the day with a waffle cone with a scoop of cookies and cream ice cream and a scoop of nestle tollhouse cookiedough ice cream. I woke up and my stomach was still round.

Then i went downstairs to discover that my father had made my absolute favorite type of cookies. But of course they made me eat breakfast. Yogurt and a muffin. Then black bean taquitos and a cookie for lunch. Now i'm only going to go to a christmas party later to eat more food i don't need. Oh and i had a fight with my boyfriend this morning. fantastic. And i am also sick now. Stupendous.

not.

The only good thing about today is that i have resisted the intense urge to cut. After i eat a lot i get in a really bad mood from like a food coma or something and then i look at myself and i have the desire to cut. I think because i deserve the pain and just seeing myself so fat just brings back all the feelings of when i started restricting or from when i started cutting. I don't really know but whatever it is i always want to cut after i become visually more heavy.

The other good thing? Pretty much no matter what is served for dinner and if i end up eating with my boyfriend later, i will still have eaten less than i did yesterday which is a step in the right direction. Too bad i'm depressed from eating so much that i don't feel good about the better aspects of today.

I hope you all are doing significantly better than i am and loosing weight and in good holiday spirits

-SW

Sixtyeight.

EPIC FAIL.

and tomorrow at Disneyland with my mother won't be any better. Or the christmas parties on saturday. Or going out to dinner with my boyfriend for my birthday. FML. I'm going to start the day massive tomorrow and end it a beached whale. I can already tell that even though i had 2 hours of dance today i didn't burn off what i ate.

-oranges

-kettle corn

-pudding

-ice cream

-vegan soup

-tortilla chips

-3 oreos

i feel disgusting and i'm only going to gain like 5 more pounds this weekend. fucking fantastic. way to enjoy my birthday tomorrow. I'll be walking around disneyland thinking that everyone is staring at how fat i am all day. great.

Sixtyseven.

"You look skinnier every time i see you"

haha not so much

"did you eat for the get fat weekend?"

i did a lot

"Well it looks like you didn't eat anything"

Sixtysix.

99 this morning but i didn't enjoy it. I've been tired and depressed all day. I've had no energy and i've been sleepy. I also don't look 99 pounds which is most of the reason why i didnt enjoy it. I honestly look like i weigh 105. at least. not 99. I have no idea how it hapened either. I haven't been eating that well to be honest. Only yesterday i ate decently but not anything to be proud of.

I can't really be proud of any eating day anymore. I count calories in my head for most of what i eat, but its not anywhere near when i ate a max of 400 or 600 a day. I've had about 500 already and i still need to have dinner. It's not that i eat that much its just that i have to eat every meal or else i get force fed so even though i pick pretty healthy things, i still have to eat the whole meal. Sucks.

Cuts are healing and apparently i'm losing weight so right on.

-SW

Sixtyfive.

I need help.

in more ways than one.

Sixtyfour.

Well.... I have a whole list of goods and bads about right now. Let's start with the bad so we can end with the good.

BAD:

- I look adipose

- I'm pretty sure i weigh 103

- I look disgusting

- I ate a bunch of fast food recently

- I look revolting

- I have no self control

- I look repulsive

- I eat horribly when my grandparents are here

- I look obese

- My grandparents will be here all week

- I don't get any of the clothes i just bought

- I look absolutely disgusting

- I was thinking about how gross my stomach looked while hooking up with my boyfriend

- I look repugnant

- My mom is going to start making me drink protein powder

- I look gargantuan

- I lost my slippers

- I look vile

- My teeth have moved

- I look corpulent

- My stomach is visibly larger

- I look hideous

GOOD:

- I went shopping today

- I got XS's

- All my jeans are kids 16 slim

- I tried on kids 16 regular and they were too big

- I got the new Hello Bombshell bra from Victoria's Secret

- My parents are gone all week

- It's still cold and i can still wear long sleeves everyday

- Got my hair cut

Clearly there are more bads than goods. That just explains my life. Fuck.... i'm fat and my life sucks

Sixtythree.

So as for going out to breakfast, i had a cheese omelette and fresh fruit which was good. We also didnt eat lunch together. Big plus. I thought so at least until today when i saw that i still looked disgusting. Good throughout the day and then i got home. EPIC FAIL. Huge thing of beans with cheese. plus a 60 calorie pudding, a handful of pretzels, 2 graham crackers, a homemade chai tea, and a package of blueberries. I can't believe i let myself do this. I wasn't even hungry. I just ate because i could. ugh. It's so frustrating. i do well during the day then i come home and i pig out. It happens everyday and it needs to stop. Because right now with my huge weight plus being bloated, i look like a huge bean bag chair.

Sixtytwo.

Today can't be good. Being with my boyfriend is bad news when it comes to eating. We're going out to breakfast today (kill me now) and the only semi good thing i can get is a cheese omelette. I also know that once i get there i'm going to be tempted to order the french toast or the belgian waffle or the banana nut pancakes. Then i'm staying with him until the late afternoon. Which will probably mean lunch at his house or something.

I better work this off at dance and gymnastics tonight and then starve tomorrow and friday or else something bad is gunna happen.

Oh yeah and i'm bloated beyond disgustingness right now.

Sixtyone.

Everything still sucks.

1. i'm consuming food like its oxygen

2. bloated cuz i'm supposed to be on my period

3. wrist still hurts

4. still have no self control

5. i feel like i'm gaining

(but i'm too embarrassed to weigh myself)

6. I've been eating really bad foods

The only thing keeping me going is that fact that i still fit in my childrens size 16 slim jeans.

And that its been cold enough to wear long sleeves so no ones seen my cuts.

I really need to pull it together. Not only because i'm a fat cow right now, but because i'm going shopping on saturday and i need to fit into small clothes. fuck me now. I gotta get my shit together. I'm blowing up.

Sixty.

Sorry i haven't posted in a while.

My life has been falling apart.

-Ankle and wrist injured

-up to 103

-no self control anymore

-i started cutting again

-i look disgusting at 103

Everything has just been spinning and i couldn't bring myself to share my ridiculous failures in front of you all when you're doing well.

Literally the only good thing is that i've been vegetarian for a month now.

My whole situation just sucks.

-SW

Fiftynine.

Like i predicted, i didn't still weigh 98 this morning. Up to 99. boo... And since i only burned 150 more than i ate today i doubt i'll be any lighter than 100 tomorrow. boo again. I'm on the road to being fat once more. And weight gain weekend (not this weekend in particular but every weekend) is here tomorrow. Fuckin fantastic. I'll have to start all over on monday. Like always.

Why can't people just accept that i'm just trying to lose weight?

Why must i be force fed every weekend?

Why can't they just let me starve?

I'll fuckin eat when i want to.

leave me alone.

Or how about everyone is just stick thin naturally. That way i don't have to look at fat people and i can eat whatever i want and still be skinny. It would be amazing to eat chocolate and candy and cheese and burritos and pizza and bread all the time and still be 90 pounds every morning.

Too bad i ate 600 calories today and i'm not going to be anything close to 90 pounds tomorrow morning.

Fiftyeight.

I feel about the same amount of gross as yesterday, but this time with less hope. I can't possibly be 98 pounds 2 days in a row. Also, i burned about 200 more calories than i ate once again so the same weight loss can't happen again and i know it. Especially when i eat right before i go to bed. That's horrible to do, but somehow i let myself do it most days. Hence why i can never maintain a low weight. I have no self control. Ahh. I'm just gunna be fat forever.

xo SW

Fiftyseven.

Didn't weigh myself yesterday because i woke up 15 minutes before i had to leave the house. Weighed myself this morning because i have an hour before i have to leave the house still and i've already weighed myself and taken a shower.

I'm really glad i woke up early today you know why? I WEIGH 98 POUNDS. holy shit. When i looked at the scale i was in total disbelief and i went back upstairs totally content. until i got undressed to take a shower and thought my body looks so far from 98 pounds right now i don't believe it. Then i realized, i probably lost 2 pounds from muscle turning into fat. That would make perfect sense. Two pounds of muscle is much smaller than 2 pounds of fat so when it turned to fat, i gained in size but lost in weight.

I know, way to ruin a fantastic moment right? Whatever.

I'm pretty sure i'm right because the mirror doesn't lie.

xoxo SW

Fiftysix.

I FEEL LIKE SHIT. no joke.

I ate waaaaay too much today. The only thing keeping me sane is the fact that i know i burned at least 200 more calories than i ate. I burned 2-300 more calories than i ate today which is impressive since i consumed so much goddamn food. Good thing i did situps at home and then had 4 hours straight of dance.

I can tell you right now that i know i'm not going to be 100 pounds when i weigh myself tomorrow. I can already tell. I feel heavy and fat and gross and that feeling can't leave in 8 hours before i wake up. Shoot me now. I can't eat this much when i come home from school tomorrow or else some shit will hit the fan, let me tell you that. I can't drink tea in the morning, i'll have to drink something more filling and maybe bring some celery to school. (yay for negative calories!)

Meh. Hopefully that will work cuz overall, the past few weeks i've done really well (minus of course this last saturday). I don't really even know though. My body seems to hate me more as i hate it more. I start to realize how fat i am and then my body refuses to loose more weight. It's yet another vicious cycle that i am stuck in. FML.

Why can't things just go alright for more than a few days at a time?

Fiftyfive.

Sorry to post twice in one day, but i need to share the compliments i got today at dance.

I was standing by the desk and my friends mom walked up to me and said, "You're disappearing! i need to feed you. I'll make you lots of truffles!"

And during class someone told me "You look skinnier than normal today. You always look skinny but you look especially skinny today."

ha ha! People are noticing my hard work even i'm not.

Think thin<3

Fiftyfour.

Wow. My mom just bribed me to not cut anymore. But i have to say, It worked.

Her conditions:

If i don't cut-

1. no more therapy

2. she's going to body check me instead

If i do-

1. go to a treatment facility

2. skip dance 3 days a week

Honestly i just really don't want to go to a treatment facility cuz i know i don't belong there and i can't afford to miss dance 3 days a week. Like not even because i want to be there, but because there are certain classes that i have to go to.

Whatever. 115 calories so far today. Plus the lentils and vegetables i have to eat for dinner. Which means another 115. So if i do that then ill have 230 by the end of the day but i'm going to say that i will most likely have at least 295. We'll see how well i can stick to that cuz i'm not promising anything.

and if i do fuck up, dance will burn off 270 of those calories. But let's hope that i don't fuck up and that neither do you =]

Stay Strong<3

Fiftythree.

I'm happy except for that little thought nagging me in the back of my mind.

I'm down to 100 pounds ! Woo !

Right? except that i know its just all the water weight i lost from the laxatives. Hopefully i won't gain too much of it back though. Scratch that. I know i'm going to gain it back because i drink a lot to avoid eating, so hopefully it'll just all make me skinnier in the long run. I am eating progressively less and less everyday. I just always have to start over on saturdays which sucks. But whatever. As for right now,

-I've eaten less than yesterday (not hard to do but whatever)

-I weigh 100 pounds

-I fixed my scale ! (yay for me, but now you all have to hear me whine about it more often)

Overall i can't really complain except that my body does not look like 100 pounds. I look a lot more like 105. And as long as i still look like 105, no one will ever know i've lost weight, i won't feel like i've lost weight, and it'll almost be as if none of it ever happened. Loosing weight is only good if you can tell. If the scale said 110 and i looked like the super skinny 85 pound models i wouldn't care what the scale said because i looked good. Too bad right now its the opposite. Let's fix that.

Stay strong<3

Fiftytwo.

Pretty sure i just ate the whole world in the form of wood ranch rolls.

Not that i had that much else, but i had at least 6 of them.

and a piece of carrot cake.

and peppermint ice cream.

But that's pretty much it besides some pretzels.

I can't list a ton of things i ate, but my body feels like i should have a two page list. I feel so incredibly disgusting right now its ridiculous. I have an extra almost two inches around my stomach right now from eating so goddamn much, but i just popped 2 laxatives. Hopefully that will help at least a little bit because i seriously need it too.

And once again i fuck up after a week of doing so well. I don't think i've ever done this well actually, so it sucks that i fucked up a day now. I ate one very very small meal a day all week. On monday i also had 100 calories of special k in the morning, but other than that i only had a couple hundred calories a day in my dinner and that was it. And i did that literally all week. Why the fuck do i do this? As soon as i start to feel good about what i'm doing i go and fuck shit up. Ugh. It just makes me hate myself more and more.

Fiftyone.

I am still the same weight.

Still.

It hasn't changed in at least 2 weeks.

But that bagel didn't help.......

Fifty.

This is a vicious cycle that is getting me nowhere.

Starve

eat

starve

eat

starve

eat

over and over. Starve during the week eat on the weekends. Allowing myself to eat on the weekends has lowered my self control and it's harder and harder to refrain from eating during the week. And when i am successful in my lack of eating it gets me pretty much nowhere which makes me want to give up. When i try, it does me no good. When i don't try is does about the same. What can i do to change that? Because i've been at the same weight for like three weeks now. Help.

Fourtynine.

I don't remember if i previously mentioned the fact that i was having a movie night on friday night and i knew it was going to be bad. I haven't gone through my previous posts and looked. But anyhow, it was disgusting. We didn't go to sleep. I was awake for 42 hours.

Woke up 530 on friday for school.

-a lollipop at school

-jamba juice after school

-veggie chips at dance

-noodles for dinner

-ice cream, a loaf of sourdough bread, and homemade brownies during movie night

-starbucks in the morning to be able to stay awake.

-no lunch

-2 pieces of pizza and frozen yogurt for dinner/dessert.

Then finally went to sleep at about 1130 on saturday night

Then today

-skipped breakfast

-a piece of pizza, grapes, 90 calorie special k bar, and frozen yogurt for lunch

I think that's the most disgusting list of food i've ever had to write. I'm almost too embarrassed to post this. In order to make up for this I would have skipped breakfast and lunch, but i have trapeze on sundays and i'm in the car with my mom for 2 hours which is when we eat breakfast and lunch so i'm constantly being watched.

I look 5 pounds heavier.

I feel 15 pounds heavier.

Not joking.

The worst part is that i was stuck back at the 101 plateau and i finally got to 100 on friday morning. Only to stuff my face and gain it all back plus some. I feel like i weigh about 103 right now. And i'm really good at guessing my weight. 103 is pretty bad. Not absolutely terrible, but it's pretty bad.

I'm disgusting.

Fourtyeight.

I can't say that i'm too disappointed, but i can't say that i'm impressed with myself either. I've had a few bad days, but i've had about an equal amount of days with my calories in the 500's. And if you take those days and subtract the calories that i burned, its even better. But there are also days where when you subtract the calories burned and the net is still 600 or 700 calories which is absolutely terrible.

Also, i can't be disapointed because i haven't gained any weight, but i can't be too happy because i haven't lost any weight either. I don't know. We'll see how it all turns out. Except for friday night when i know i'm going to blow my calories through the roof, i've been pretty good and i plan on staying that way.

Oh and i'm sick. Does that mean my body absorbs all the calories i eat or does it use them up because i have no energy?

Fourtyseven.

I'm so lost. Where do i go from here?

what to do, what to do...?

What am i saying? I know what to do. The only issue is, i've lost all the strength i had that i need to do it. Proof? Lunch today. Asiago bagel. I wasn't even hungry. Dessert last night. Pop tarts. I wasn't even hungry. Snack today. Pudding. I wasn't even hungry. Notice a trend? I'm fucked.

Oh and here since i said i would:

my fat ass at homecoming.

Fourtysix.

Homecoming game tonight & homecoming dance tomorrow. So excited except for the fact that i've been eating like a beast for the past two days. Maybe if i look okay i'll show you a picture of me in my dress =] doubt i will though so don't count on it. I really have been eating terribly. Why do i suck so much at life?

Fourtyfive.

What the fuck is wrong with my body? I almost healed and now i'm hurting again. Fucked up both my ankles again at least a little bit and my toe is cracking again and my achilles is hurting and i think i bruised the bone in the ball of my foot and when i bend over my knee hurts and my shin goes numb then when i stand back up the bone that sticks out of the side of my knee hurts. What the hell? I'm still gunna dance on them. Otherwise i get no exercise and i'll get fat. I'm just starting to get smaller again. It's taken all week so far and i don't want to put weight back on again. I would go into a major depression. I'm only gunna skip the classes i really don't need to go to so that i can get as much exercise as i can without hurting myself that much more.

Fuck My Life. I'm going to be obese.

Fourtyfour.

My stomach is making noises like a beast.

Oh well gotta suck it up and go to school now....

Fourtythree.

Burning off so many calories at dance and gymnastics is just about the only way i can keep my net calorie intake so dang low. Even after having some cheesecake at dance and some coffeecake today at lunch, i still only had a net intake of 131 calories. And that's when i only count three hours of dancing even though i had class for four hours.

And i changed around my schedule for BBC. I can't get away with fasting so i took those days out and filled in the gaps. And i decided that i want to successfully complete as many days as i can on the first attempt, so i took calorie restrictions off on the weekends. This doesn't mean that i can binge, it just means i don't have to stay under 600 calories every weekend (even though i stay around there anyways). I did it mostly to keep me from becoming even more depressed. I'm still going to keep track of how many calories i eat on the weekend days of course, but i'm not going to say i can only eat this much because the weekends are when there's homecoming and hanging out with the boyfriend and family gatherings and all sorts of things where you have to publicly display that you have consumed something.

For example, i went to a sweet sixteen this weekend. I had a plate of salad and two scoops of beans so it appeared to the boyfriend that i was eating and i had a couple chocolate covered strawberries to partake in the whole dessert fiasco.

Don't judge me for this please. I'm not backing out of this challenge. I swear. I still have the same 50 day diet that i had before except all the days are on weekdays. If it doesn't get me down to 99 or lower, then it's my fault for not sticking to the original plan (but honestly, i was just going to end up blowing the weekends and adding them to the end anyways).

Let's see how this works out. Don't give up on me guys. I'm just starting this long journey, you can't let go of me now.

Stay strong <3

Fourtytwo.

I just tried on a size zero dress and it was too big !!

Fourtyone.

I know i mentioned that i made my own version of ABC. I am calling it BBC because my name starts with a B and even though it's easier than ABC, it will still be a boot camp for me. I'm prepared with foods i can eat to survive this week, but i think i'm just going to blow every weekend and end up adding those days onto the end. My boyfriend forces me to eat, so even though i don't eat that much, what i eat around him fills if not exceeds my calorie limit for the day.

I always have the drive to not eat on weekdays, but when it comes to the weekend i don't know what happens. I'm around my boyfriend and i feel like i don't have a strict schedule for the day, so i don't stay within limits. Granted i haven't gone way over the limit, it still counts as "i am a fatass add that day to the end of the diet."

I've only added one day to the end so far because i went to a sweet sixteen and i knew i couldn't not eat, so i embraced the day as an eating day and forgot about BBC. I hope i can start posting every day and tell you (whoever even reads this) whether i passed or failed each day. I'm going into this knowing that most people fail at least a few days of ABC, so if i do it's not something to kill myself over (unless i have some crazy huge binge). I will simply add the day to the end.

I am expecting many school weeks filled with BBC and many weekends filled with depression from overeating. meh.

I'm sorry about how much i just rambled about the same thing. I think all this food is getting to my head. I need to stop eating... now.

Fourty.

FUCK.

The batteries in my scale died and i don't think i have any to replace them.

and

I am pretty positive that i gained weight from last night even though i stayed under 600 calories. And i'm pretty positive because i currently look like a cow. Or more like a cow with huge tumors all over its body. I was even thinking about posting pictures on here cuz i was just about 99 pounds but then i looked in the mirror this morning and decided that it was an absolutely terrible idea to show people that i look like this. Nobody would be pleased to see those pictures because this is about what i look like right now:

Thirtynine.

Sorry for not posting in a while. I've really been meaning to.

So.... a few new things in my life.

1. I finally got my license. Now i have so much more freedom and i leave early for dance every day so that i'm away from all the food in the kitchen cuz that's where i end up everyday after school.

2. Only one more visit to the therapist until she tells the parents whether or not to have me keep going. I'm still lying a little to her so that maybe i won't have to go any more. The therapist is a complete waste of my time. She had nothing to talk about with me this week so we meditated. Seriously? My parents pay for me to meditate with this crazy woman for an hour.

3. Since i can't do ABC because it would be way to suspicious to my parents who check what i eat. I made my own boot camp diet that i can do without my parents finding out. 200 calories more than the ABC days and i moved some of the days around so that i fast every tuesday because that's the only day i can get away with it. I've only been doing it for 2 days not counting today and i was down to 100 this morning =] So i'm thinking that i need to stick to this. And if i mess up (overeat) any day i simply go to the next day, but add the day i messed up on to the end of the 50 days. That way i still have to go through all 50 days of the diet successfully.

4. I know i said i hurt myself before, but i fractured one of my ankles and i sprained the other one. The sprained one is pretty good now and the other one was just getting better and then i went to gymnastics and pointe this week and it's not ok any more. Fantastic.

I'm off to do situps now. adios.

Thirtyeight.

Shit just hit the fan ladies and gentlemen.

I was doing so well. Still loosing weight behind everyones backs. Until last night that is. Chips and dip kill me. I did eventually switch to carrots to try and save myself but i still went crazy over the chips. Then a cheeseburger. I didn't use a bun a bun to try and save myself but i still ate the whole patty. Then a five pound tub of cookie dough. I only had a few spoons to try and save myself but cookie dough is bad no matter how much you eat.

Notice a trend here?

I always give in and then realize how horrible it was and try to fix it but it never actually does anything. I still gain the weight as if i kept eating instead of stopping part way through. I also tried walking on a treadmill, but considering i have one fractured ankle and one sprained ankle, i only got to burn 100 calories.

So now i'm scared to weigh myself. I'm not going to step on until tomorrow morning.(not that dinner is really going to do me any good) I ate a decently small but very healthy breakfast to start up the metabolism, i plan on skipping lunch, but then i'm taking a trip to the melting pot for dinner and i already know that thats going to be bad. I'll have to do a bunch of situps today or something to go along with the laxative i plan on taking. Hopefully i can recover from yesterday because i'm worried. And guess who came to comfort me? You got it, a nice sharp knife. I really need to stop worrying and stressing about things cuz Mr. SK always seems to want to comfort me.

The other day someone asked me if it hurts and i said no without even thinking. But today i realized that it only doesn't hurt at all because i do it in the same place all the time. If you start a new area, it actually does hurt a little. I don't know. Just a little realization for the day.

Thirtyseven.

B I G S E C R E T S.

&

little secrets.

So many secrets in my life right now.

Oh, and i'm finally back down to 101. =]

Thirtysix.

I always looked in through your glasses

But all I could see

Is the specter of me reflected

The empty shell of me

What could you possibly love in me?

Is it the way I wear my smile

It hangs from the tip of my tongue you see

Oh this might take awhile...

Why is it that this song plays in my head so frequently? People tell me all day that they love me and are worried for me. Why do i constantly push their words aside. I rarely rest upon them to ease my mind. Most of the time those words sit silently in the back corners of my mind sparsely making an appearance in my trains of thought.

Why is it that i want all of this? Why can i not stray away from SI? Why do i always return to Ana? What about her voice draws me in every time? Why have i come crawling back for almost four years now? Why do i enjoy reading other peoples stories? Why do i like watching other peoples stories? Why do i participate in the stories my friends are creating in their own lives about ana or SI? Why would i want to support them in such a destructive path? Maybe because i don't want off the path myself? Is all of this worth it? Should i continue? (well i can't stop) Why do i insist upon secretly continuing this lifestyle behind the backs of everyone that i love? How can i consciously choose to hurt the people i love most? How can i go against the people i depend on? What would i do if they decided to leave me? Am i already all alone? Or am i just alone in my mind? Why did i stray from so many people? Why have i closed myself off from the people who are still in my life(thank god for them)? Why do i continue with all of this if i can't explain why i do it? Is it a legitimate addiction? Why hasn't my therapist helped? Is it because i have set my mind to the fact that i don't want help at all? Why the hell did i tell someone besides KT and MD about this in the first place?Why am i so full of regret for that? Is it because i immediately changed my mind? Why is school not my main focus? Why is dance not consuming more of my thoughts?What made me pick up that knife for the first time? What went through my mind before it touched my skin? How did i become obsessed with all of this? Why did i begin to hate my body? Why did i begin to hate myself? Why have i never planned to kill myself if i hate myself so much? Why have i never planned my suicide if i am so depressed? Why am i so depressed in the first place? Why did all of this happen to me?

My answer:

I don't know.

Thirtyfive.

Ok so good or bad first? I always like the bad first so here it goes:

Bad:

- I sprained my ankle for the third time.

- That means to exercise

- I fucked up my big toe on the other foot

- Once again, no exercise

- My mom thinks i'm cutting again

- Almost positive i saw my uncle staring at the two cuts on my leg this morning

- I have no money to buy all the books i want to buy

- I hate how my mind switches back and forth

- For a few hours i get self concious of my cuts and i wonder why i ever did it in the first place, then for a few hours all i want to do is cut or talk to my friend about it which i'm sure freaks her out if shes not just plain annoyed from listening to me

- I've been eating a shitload of food lately

Good:

- I figured out a way to weigh myself: wii fit (and in the past it's been pretty accurate)

- I only weighed 102 this morning

- No one will be home tomorrow morning so i can check again

- I only have one more week of being grounded

- I can only wear size 00/24 jeans right now. That means 00 in juniors/american sizes and a 24 in designer/european sizing

- Besides the reopenings on my leg i've refrained from cutting in obvious places

Honestly, i'm just really happy i have a way i can weigh myself. I was going crazy while not knowing. Now, i can weigh myself every morning ! That just means i have to stop eating so goddamn much. I guess i'm not doing too bad though if i still weigh 102. I've pretty much still always been under 1000, but it's not really that close to the 400-600 calories i used to restrict myself to. Everything's just a lot harder when you're being monitored. Oh well. Life will go on and hopefully in that time i will read more amazing books and get a lot more thin and ditch my stupid therapist =]

Thirtyfour.

Another Realization:

I don't exactly know why any of this started. I search through novels about EDs, cutting, suicide, and abuse to try and find some aspects of other people problems that i can relate to. Some emotion or thought that i think i should have felt. This is because i don't know how to feel, so i can't decipher what brought my problems upon me. I never could realize when things started to go wrong....

-Stressful day kind of

- Cracked my toe? idk some sort of bone issue.

- Rehurt my ankle

- Didn't cut today... yet

- Ate a couple unnecessary things =[

- But i'm starting to reshape my eating habits =]

(it's really hard when your eating is being monitored and you have to eating proteins and other regular foods. I have to find regular foods that i can eat that aren't too bad, and its roving to be difficult)

- I don't think my body will be able to move when i wake up in the morning

- I have to wake up early to finish homework.... ew.

Thirtythree.

Today's Realization:

I don't know how to / can't express how i / was never taught to / don't think i can feel.

The only thing i think i can feel is anger. That's at least the only recognizable feeling. I don't say anything when someone is making me mad because -as stated above- i can't express how i feel. Whenever something occurs that doesn't make me angry i don't know what kind of emotion i have because -as stated above- i don't know how and was never taught to feel. I was never taught to express my emotions as a child, so i bottled them not learning what emotions they were. Now under any circumstance when asked how i feel about something, i have no idea what to respond. I don't have labels or words to put with emotions. I don't even know if i actually feel any emotions that can be labeled. Except anger. And fear. I have definitely felt fear before.

-I realized this while sitting on my boat today while reading Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher. It's not about eating disorders or cutting, but i recommend this book very very highly. It is about suicide and not accepting oneself.

-I also don't feel my cutting anymore really. I don't feel the pain in it anymore at least.

-I had a cut-fest today

Thirtytwo.

First day of school today. I can't even believe i have a whole year of this. I guess i looked fine today, but that was the least of my worries as the day started cuz my eating was fine during the school day only 168 calories. First period i have AP english and i was freaking out about it being first period, but it ended up being alright. Then US history was fine as well. My day got fucked as soon as i walked into 3rd period Precalculus. My teacher is the most ridiculous thing. Shes not even a person. She's a thing. Her voice drives me absolutely insane. She uses a valleygirl tone of voice for everything she says and it gets worse when shes mad. The valleygirl thing might be tolerable if she was young, but she's like 50. And all of her rules and policies are the opposite of what i do. I have OCD about school and everything she said was against all of it and i started freaking out. She also assigns a ridiculous amount of homework. I walked out her class completely stressed out and shaking and i've only had her for one day. Then, after that i had to go to AP Spanish 4 where i had to sign a contract saying i would never speak english inside the classroom. FML. Then 5th period i have Chemistry which is the most boring class because its so freaking easy compared to AP Biology. Then Dance Team where i had to go and get all sweaty. Then i came home in a horrible mood and all stressed out and i ate so much cuz of the stress. FML once again. Fantastic day........

Thirtyone.

Excuse the last post because that will never happen to me again. You want to know why? Alcohol equals a lot of calories and being high equals the munchies which happened to be on Pizza Hut. Not ok. I probably ate the most out of anyone there. And before that i was starting to pass out from it being really hot and me not eating so i got forced to eat and it ended up being Taco Bell. FML. I also have recently been forced to go to Hot Dog on a Stick. Not that these all didn't taste good. They just all made me feel like i was going to throw up after eating them and i feel like i'm also getting a lot fatter from this fast food.

Hopefully me wanting to eat was because it was the week before my period because i need to loose all this goddamn weight asap. I'm freaking out about it. Only two more days till school. thank the lord. and my mom is out of the country already. thank the lord. The only bad part about the situation? No dance at my studio, so only dance team for exercise (but were doing the craziest ridiculously fast dance right now that is an extreme cardio workout) and i can't see my boyfriend until friday.

Oh and also, i have to dance later. For three hours. Doing that ridiculous dance. On five hours of sleep and being drunk and high last night. Then i have to go to a birthday dinner at BJ's. I'm going to die.

Thirty.

I have to wear my super skinny jeans today because my 25s were feeling too big and the 24s were just a little too loose !!

Twentynine.

Intake:

Fast food - 625

Dinner - 180

clementine - 35

total - 840

Output:

Walking my dog - 52

Going for a walk - 330

Cleaning - 55

total - 437

Net: +403

It's really sad that my net intake of calories is the same as i could eat in a day. Fucking fast food. Why is it so terrible? Ah ! i hate my life. I'm going to be fat forever because food thats bad for you tastes so good and i get excited for it... so i eat it. Bad choice. Bad choice because doing that makes me even fatter which just causes more problems such as SI.

Well, i'm feeling rather short, so just gunna say a little about whats to come tomorrow. A few hours of driving, a hair appointment, many hours with my mom (fml), and then dance. Hopefully that'll burn off all the shit my mom will make me eat tomorrow. But then i might go to a party and all the alcohol i will have will make up for any calories i burned at dance. So tomorrow and the day after are screwed and i already screwed up today. fantastic.

Twentyeight.

Intake: 620

Output: 499 so far

Net: +121

Plan for tomorrow:  i will read a chapter, then do situps for a 5 minute song then read, then situps etc etc.  for i don't know how long, but i have all day =]

Going out to BJ's on saturday.... that's going to be a calorie bust. I can't eat that whole day until then and i have to restrict as much as i can tomorrow and friday. I don't know how well that's going to work, but oh well. I'll have to try and if the worst happens, school starts on monday =] Then i can restrict for reals =] And not to be a downer but i think the worst might happen. I might be able to get away with it tomorrow, but i'll have to eat dinner. As for friday, i'm going to be with my mom for breakfast and lunch i think so fml in that respect. Then i think i'm going to a party on friday night. Alcohol = tons of calories. Good thing it doesn't take a lot to get me drunk. Then saturday is BJ's. But i think i'll be alone the whole day before that unless i go to venice that day with my friends, but i don't know if venice would be that fun hungover.....

Let my hair soak in deep conditioning right now and i have nothing to do so sorry if anything was rambly. I'm just bored. I'm gunna get in the shower soon though. <3

Twentyseven.

Well, I ended up eating a more than i planned on. Big surprise... not. I was only planning on having 380, but i ended up having 555. Oh well. 555 is hundreds less then i have been eating and probably thousands less than i ate this past weekend. I'm disappointed that i ate more than i planned on, but am glad that i only had 555. I can't tell you the last time a day like this occurred. The past couple weeks have been pretty hard for me and mostly because of food. The over eating of food drives me to cut, then i have to talk about it, and the therapy reminds my parents that i was anorexic, so they force me to eat which starts the cycle all over the next week. Its a very unhealthy cycle, but it won't stop. Because it happens so much, its becoming more and more a part of me and i'm becoming more and more resistant to help.

I know that that goal i set at camp is unreachable now. Even if i'm reminded everyday of it, i still won't be able to attain it. When you're at camp you think you can do anything, then you return to reality when you step off the bus at the end of the week. I'm back to reality now, and the reality is that this is who i am.

I apologize if i've said the same thing in almost every post recently, but i'm just trying to get a grip on things, so i pour my mind out onto the keyboard. I don't think i could ever say out loud most of the things i think. About Ana, or cutting, or even just the things i want to yell at my therapist. I usually have this wall built up and so far there's only one person who's been able to knock off the first few layers of bricks. I don't think anyone will ever completely knock it down, but the fact that i am comfortable enough around at least one person is a good feeling i guess. It kind of scares me a little. Sharing my feelings makes me uncomfortable and nervous. I don't know why. Is that normal? and is 555 good? idk. You tell me. Goodnight lovlies<3

Twentysix.

Depending on what i do late i might be posting a lot today =]

Right now i'm feeling like a pro and con list is in order. Two of them actually. Here we go:

My Situation:

+: My parents aren't always home

+: School keeps me away from questioning

+:Only one of my friends knows

+:She is still my friend despite what i do

+:Being at dance all night on tuesdays means i don't have to eat

+:I dance enough to work off most of what i eat (unless i binge)

+:My mom is leaving for a week on friday !!!!! (no more bugging me about anything!!)

-:My parents currently question me all the time

-:I've had to talk to a doctor and a therapist

-:I'm pretty much back at my starting weight... (biggest disappointment)

-:My boyfriend knows

-:My therapist is trying to make me spiritual !! wtf ! (i'm atheist)

-:She also pisses me off now

-:I found out i have to go to therapy 6 times

Today

+:I'm not allowed to leave so i won't be eating out with my boyfriend

+:I've only had 190 calories so far today

+:I've burnt off 96 of that already

+:I haven't cut so far today

+:I wore a really cute outfit haha =]

+:Dinner is 190 calories if i eat all of it

+:380 is so much less than i've been eating

-:My bf is going to be mad when i tell him i can't leave

-:I still have to eat more

-:My therapist pissed me off today

-:Burnt myself twice

As for the fact that i've only had 190 calories today, i can't even begin to explain how amazing that is. I've been forced to eat during the week last week and then over the weekend (including friday night) I ate more than i think i've ever eaten in 3 days. And that includes even before i stopped eating the first time. I've been at family functions all weekend and have gone out to dinner every night. With dessert all 3 times. If it tells you anything i actually had to unbutton my pants and walk around slowly for about 15 minutes because i couldn't sit down, i ate so much. I honestly thought i was going to throw up if i sat down anywhere. That's how bad its been the past few days. Other than that it hasn't been terrible i guess... its obviously more than i was eating since i've been forced to eat something during all three meals of the day everyday whether i'm with my family or my boyfriend. But only 5 more days until school starts thank god! Once i'm at school not eating will be sooooo much easier its ridiculous. I get up earlier than my mom, so she can't check if i ate breakfast, i'm at school all day so she can't check if i ate lunch, and at least one day a week (well starting the second week of school because dance doesnt start again until then) i don't eat dinner at home so they can't check if i ate anything for dinner ! So basically, the only thing i have to eat everyday is dinner. And i walk to and from school everyday, so i get a shitload of exercise during the school year. It's over a mile there and back plus walking around at school and dance team 6th period and then dance at my studio after school. I'm excited for everything except the homework haha. Well, i guess i have to read now. Think thin and i will hopefully be joining up with Ana and you all again soon enough !

Twentyfive.

Well.... my therapist told my parents i needed to get a physical so i went today. I weigh 106 with clothes on and after eating. That means i weigh more like 104. That's not terrible, but i don't want to actually weigh 106. That would be terrible. And now that i've been eating, it'll be hard to stop eating again. I can't wait for school to start cuz my parents can't keep track of anything i eat all day long so i don't have to eat at all. Only one more week until school<3 I can't tell you how much a long to feel empty. I've been feeling so full lately and i can't wait until i can live on empty and have that high. I'd never thought i'd say i miss not eating, but it's true. I became so accustomed to that lifestyle and i think i actually enjoyed some aspects of it which is why it keeps drawing me back (besides the addiction to cutting portion of things). And as for that, i've been scavenging for sharp objects. how sad is that? So i've tried other forms of self harm... I don't know what's wrong with me. I really don't. I mean i wanted to stop cutting which is what got me into this mess in the first place, but now i realize it's become a part of me and i can't completely let go of something that consumed me and was a big part of my life even if it was only for a short period of time. And since i can't let go of it, i don't want anyone to help me with my "problems". All these people who want to help me, i don't know if i can accept their offers anymore. I thought i was strong enough to turn away from all of this, but i realized its not about strength for me. No one can give up a part of themselves. Cutting and starving are a part of me and i can choose to not display them, but i know i can never get rid of them. And i don't want to try either. I think without realizing it i accepted these things as a part of who i am, who i was going to end up being. Even with these things going on in my life, i still have people who love me and people i can depend on. So obviously there are some people who can see past all of that and recognize that i'm still the same person. There's just another side of me that has emerged. I've come to accept it and everyone else should too.

Twentyfour.

Why is it that when i'm having a bad day and am at home i feel i need to log into blogger? Today is going to be the second or third worst day of my life. I had already cried by 915 in the morning and i have to go to my first therapy appointment later. I have gotten 11 hours of sleep in the past two days and i spent the whole day at disneyland yesterday. Needless to say, my exhaustion doesn't help my mood at all. Oh yeah, and i'm pretty sure i at least fractured my wrist. I was excited for today, but now i'm not at all. I'm not excited and my boyfriend is playing me a song he wrote for me tonight. I should be at least a little excited for that. Whatever. My family is making me get fat and i have to go to therapy and i'm tired but can't fall asleep and i'm pissed off. Hence why today is the second or third worst day of my life.

Sorry for the downer post, but i'm in a terrible mood and need to vent.

Twentythree.

I'm back. But unfortunately, i've been caught. I was forced to call home from where i was and tell my parents against my will. They went through my entire room drawer by drawer and found everything and hid the scale and are now trying to get me to go see a phycologist. I only told one person because i wanted to make a goal to stop cutting. However, we discussed everything and now my parents are making sure that i eat. It doesn't look like i've gained too much so far, but who knows about the future. I was ok with going on the journey to try to stop the cutting because i know it's unhealthy, but i can't stop thinking about my weight. This will always be a part of me no matter how many people my parents make me go talk to and i don't think they realize that. I've already had to talk with a trained councilor and nothing in my mind has changed. I'm still the same girl who knows shes fat and is willing to starve to loose all that extra weight. My life is kind of on hiatus right now and have no idea what's coming. And to tell you the truth, i'm scared to death. If they make me gain weight, i will be even more depressed than i was before and that will only lead to more cutting which nobody wants. Why can't they just trust me to not cut? And how about not making up excuses to have me eat in front of them. That would be fantastic. I can see straight through their excuses. Why can't they just let me be. I think that would be the best therapy. Because honestly, i was the one who went to get help about my cutting. I think they're forgetting that. Obviously i want to make a change in my life. They think i'm completely against them and that there's something wrong with me. If they would just let me sort out my own life instead of throwing a ton of new things at me in a sad attempt to help i would be much better off. I can tell that my immediate future is going to be rough. sigh.

Twentytwo.

Ok well i feel absolutely disgusting. ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. Even after dinner i was feeling decent because i still looked relatively small. I ate mostly salad and refused the corn. However, then i had dessert. Apple pie and vanilla ice cream. FUCK. WHY THE FUCK DID I DO THAT?? i don't know what i was thinking. I feel massive right now. I'm currently discussing my situation with my friend who had been starving with me and who knows all about my cutting and everything else i've done. I tell her everything. She's the only one who doesn't judge me and who i can trust to tell everything to. We think that maybe this binge will help me get through next week at camp without really eating. After every binge (as i do right now) you feel like shit. Your body is filled with food and it's repulsive to look at. Then you don't want to weigh yourself in the morning because you know you gained, but it helps you to not eat the next day cuz you know you fucked up the day before. Hopefully that's the case and i can stay strong this coming week. I've gone so long without a binge this time. I was loosing weight so slowly that i knew i had to not binge, but once i got down lower i binged because i could see that i had lost weight and i wasn't loosing as slowly. Now i know that i'm probably up in weight and i need to not fuck up anymore if i want to loose the weight i just gained. Let's all hope that i can get through this week safely =]

And as for that friend that i have. Everyone should find a friend like that. It makes this journey so much easier. I know we all have supporters on here that comment us and encourage us, but having someone you actually know and can talk to in person makes a world of difference. I feel like it would be weird to tell her this in person, but i appreciate her talking to me so much more than she knows. Starving and cutting aren't things you can just discuss with anyone and you need an outlet. You can't just blog about these things. Sure it helps, but you'll start going crazy if you don't tell someone and i promise you'll make the same mistake i did and tell the wrong person at first. Find someone you know you can trust, who won't judge you, who won't try and change who you are/what you're doing, who accepts you, and who won't leave you when you tell them. I know that sounds like a lot, but they all go hand in hand and if someone has one they are very likely to have most of the other things. I need my friend so much it's ridiculous. I couldn't do this without her and she doesn't even take food from me or take my knives. She's just there to talk to. It seems like such a simple thing but i swear it makes a world of difference.

I apologize for this post. I feel like i rambled a lot. I don't know if it made sense or not. i'm sorry if it didn't. I'm a little flustered at the moment. i'm sorry.

Twentyone.

Woo ! down to 100.4 ! i can't believe it. I thought i ate more than i should have, but i guess i did ok if i still lost weight. On another good note, i'm still using the bathroom even though i stopped taking the laxatives. Only about every other day, but that's so much better than it was. I'm so glad my body is functioning =] However, not eating is starting to make me really tired especially because i went to the beach today. Not a good idea..... 

Unfortunately there's a few more bad notes to come. One, i know i ate too much today. about 600 calories, but about 100 at 8:30 pm which is a terrible time to eat. It's all going to be absorbed while i sleep and i know i'm going to wake up fatter. The best i can hope is that my stomach looks big now because i drank over a bottle of water since 8. Two, i've returned to cutting. I had been doing it randomly since the beginning of June, but now i know i'm addicted again. I get anxiety when i don't do it and i feel so much better while i'm doing it. I know that has nothing to do with the main theme of this blog (eating) but i started cutting because of my eating habits. and finally three, i'm not going to be here for the next week. I'll be here tomorrow and i'll post one last entry before i leave on saturday. I'll be gone until the following saturday. When i get back i'll catch up on everyone's blogs that i usually read i promise. leave me some comments while i'm gone too ;)

Alright, i feel like shit because i'm fucking obese right now so i'm going to go to bed so that i can wake up early and clean and pack all day. fan-fuckin-tastic.

Hope you all are doing better than me

stay strong xoxo

Twenty.

YES ! i skipped my second goal weight completely. I'm finally back down into 101. Hopefully i can maintain that tomorrow too. Today is proving to be a little difficult though. It's the first day after fasting and since i already had some fruit my body just wants more food. I think i'm going to have a little bit of chicken and half and apple. I have to try to not give in very much. Especially when my house is filled with a bunch of snack foods and things that aren't so healthy. Like the Frosted brown sugar cinnamon pop tarts that stare at me every time i open the pantry. So far i've been able to resist them this week, but who knows about later. I really need to not binge. I finally lost some weight and i can't let that go away. I can't let myself gain too much weight. If i'm 102 tomorrow just because i ate the day after a fast i might be ok, but anything else and i'll be pissed. I've had about 500 calories so far today and i plan on not eating anymore. I have 2 hours of dance to burn that off and i'm going to walk my dog after i finish this post.

Just to waste some time i stole a survey from Vee:

Age?

16
Height?

5'4"
Weight?

101
Lowest Weight?

99 from recent times but i really don't remember from before
Highest Weight?

109
What weight do you want to weigh?

99 before school but 95 would look a lot better
What eating disorder do you have?

Anorexia

How many calories do you eat in a day, on average?

It varies a lot, but right now i'd say 400-900 usually
Do you throw up your food on occasion?

No. believe me i've tried many times, but my body won't let me
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress?

Doesn't everyone
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track?

Dance. It actually has taken over my life haha
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight?

yes.
Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long?

yes. i fast once a week.
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories?

All the time.....
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses?

i guess.... some of them make good thinspo
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED?

nopee. i got stopped by friends before it got bad enough for that
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting?

no.
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder?

yes. and i did for about a year but then i returned to it.
Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not?

yes. I hate when my mom says "you can eat that you're skinny"
What part of your body would you change?

i would love to just be thinner all over, but i mainly focus on my thighs and my stomach
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body?

not solely, but it does affect how i view myself
Because of your body appearance/weight, have you become severely depressed?

unfortunately, yes.
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses? 

sometimes, but i usually compare mine to the people around me
Do you think you eat healthy enough? 

For the most part yes. Except for those god awful 
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs? 

occasionally yeah, but i give into the cravings
Fat grams? 

sometimes it plays a part in food selection, but not usually, no.
Calories? 

Very much so.
Are you often tired/fatigued? 

yeah.
Do you feel more energized after eating food? 

umm, sometimes yes. If its fast food i just feel sick though.
Do you eat meat? 

yes.
Do you eat your food in a certain way? 

Most of the time. I cut my food into tiny pieces and i count how many times i chew each bite.
Do people tell you you look sick or famished? 

yeah right. i wish. When i was 100 and 99 for a while my teacher kept asking me if i was eating and what was wrong with me.
Have you ever thrown up blood? 

nopee.
Is your heart bpm above 49? 

no idea.
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating? 

i wish i didn't eat enough to make myself faint, but no. I've only gotten lightheaded
Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders? 

I think the media is at fault for wanarexics. People who are actually anorexic or bulimic don't need the media to make them lose weight they just use the media for inspiration once they already have the disorder.
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana? 

i'm not against it. I think it could potentially make more people wanarexic or possibly make people realize that they have an ED. However, i feel that the Pro-Ana community is good for people with EDs because there is a lot of support there and people need other people who they can relate to on a certain level and you can't talk to your normal friends or other people about things like EDs.
Do you have any other mental disorders? 

Depression, terrible mood swings, and occasional anxiety.
What's your favorite food to eat? 

Wheat thins. Chocolate. Peanut butter. Cereal. Miso soup.
Favorite drink? zero calorie lifewater.
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED? 

That doesn't really bother me. I wish people didn't care if they knew that i had one or that i could weigh what i want to weigh without having an ED.
Do you want to recover? 

No, but i want to be at a place where i might be able to reach peace with my body and my mind.

Nineteen.

I feel like nothing i do works. I ate about 500 calories yesterday and i successfully fasted for my first tuesday fast like i said i would do a few entries ago. Yay me for eating anything today, but boo body for how it looks. It appears that i really haven't lost weight. I don't understand how that could happen. With 500 calories in 2 days, 6 hours of dance (ballet, contemporary and hip hop), 2 hours of swimming, and lots of walking around i should i have burned off those calories. Even though it was actually more than 500 because i don't know how many calories are in the alcohol i consumed. It wasn't much more though. I didn't have much. Either way i still should have burned it all off. And having burned it all of plus some i should have less fat and be skinnier which i visibly am not. This is all so frustrating for me. Why can't it just work out for me one more time?

Eighteen.

I'm convinced that my metabolism is completely shot. If i don't eat really well or exercise at least a little i don't loose anything or i gain. For example i went wakeboarding and wakesurfing on saturday and that should have burned a whole lot of calories. I ate very well that day i ate pretty much all fruits and vegetables and a burger with no bun or condiments but i had 2 drinks that night. The next morning i woke up with weight gain. It's the most frustrating thing. I'm trying so hard right now, but my body just won't let me and it's really discouraging. It's like i'm trying this hard for nothing. I've been eating well for a little less than 2 weeks and i've lost 3 pounds. What happened to when i could loose 7 pounds in a week?

It also makes it hard because this is my fourth attempt. What's worse is that the first three were at least relatively easy. I can tell you that attempts one and two took almost  no effort. Starving didn't seem to phase me and i lost a lot of weight both times. Try number three took only slightly longer because i had to hide it from people. It was my first attempt since telling anyone what i was doing, but none the less i got down to 99.8 pounds.

Now here i am at my fourth try. The third one in 3 months and my body isn't cooperating. I've never had this problem before nor have a i read about it on anyone else's blog. The only problems people run into are secrecy and bingeing. I don't know what to do with myself. All i know is that i want to be 99 pounds by school and i have determination right now to do that. I really hope i can accomplish it because just reading those numbers on the scale will erase all obstacles i had to overcome to get there.

how i feel right now:

"Shadow" - Maria Mena

give it a listen<3

Seventeen.

i was reading older posts from some of the blogs i follow and i found an entry on Kat's blog that i felt applied to me as well. She wrote that she is a PAFFW (a Post Anorexic Frustrated Fat Woman). I have lived with anorexia twice and now i feel like i am not truly Ana, i just try my hardest to be thin without going to those drastic measures. My life, like hers, since the anorexia has been binge, starve, binge, starve. I have been on so many random diets, then i gain weight, then i try a new diet. I cannot tell you how many times i've gone through that cycle.

I just thought i'd share that little moment of realization and relation i had =]

Sixteen.

I'm now paying for my poor eating habits. I thought i did a sufficient job at working off everything i ate, but apparently not. I walked 4 miles, went swimming, did situps, and had dance last night. However my eating yesterday wasn't up to par which is why i've only lost 0.2 pounds. I can't really be mad because it's still a loss but it's disappointing.

I am slowly getting back on track though ! that's exciting for me. I've only been loosing weight really slowly, but i haven't been gaining at all so i'm going in the right direction.

**New goal: be 100 or below when school starts(preferably 99)**

i have about a month before school starts, so i think that that's reasonable. I just can't mess up anymore. Maybe this goal will help me to stay on track. I've been faced with many situations involving food recently and i've only given in once, but i realized i did and stopped. I think with my boyfriend out of town this is easier for me. It will also probably be easier once school starts as well. School means:

-More time spent away from food

-the boyfriend not always with me (we go to different schools)

-less people to notice if i don't eat

-More time being occupied by schoolwork

My weekdays while i'm at school are more along the lines of: wake up at 6, walk to school, go through the school day, walk home, some homework(but mostly going on the computer), dance, then homework. Occasionally dinner is slipped in before dance, but my new schedule only allows that once a week. Mon-Wed i can skip dinner. I have all this week and my parents haven't noticed =]

**New Plan: Fast every Tuesday**

I met this woman recently and she just told me that she fasts every monday because it's like a healthy detox for her body. I figure that that's a good idea, but tuesday is a more realistic day in which i would be able to fast. Fasting one day a week will probably also help me loose weight.

I really hope i can stick to all of this because i think these plans/goals will really help me reach 99 again.