Seventyeight.

Why is it that other people must force me to eat throughout the day?
(that means my mother and my boyfriend)

I wasn't hungry and i was doing so well today too.
Lied to the bf and told him i already ate lunch before he picked me up so i skipped lunch after having coffee for breakfast. Said no when he told me to eat his french fries. Went home and wanted to eat but didn't. Go into the kitchen so he can get water and my mother brings out chips and dip, tells us (me in particular) to eat it, and stays in the kitchen watching to make sure i ate some before she left the room. No joke. She stayed for a long time too. Picked everything up after she left the room and put it all away.
Next time she comes downstairs she tells me to eat a cookie, tells me where they are, and tells me that i need to start eating them fast before they go bad. So i'm forced to go get one. I take the smaller one, have my bf take a bite and make my mom take a bite. But still. A cookie. fuck me. Then my mothers only solution to feeding a vegetarian is chili or pasta so she decides to makes pasta and rolls. I took one small scoop and spread it out over my plate so that it looked like it was full. Didn't put any cheese on it. Managed to not get caught not eating any rolls. And i ate one or two noodles at a time and counted how many times i chewed each bite. It took me longer to finish my scoop than it did for my mom to eat her plate and roll. Then i folded and had a peppermint.

I did my best with what i forced to do minus the peppermint after dinner.
God i just want to be positive about something. And things were starting to get better. There was almost something to be positive about. Now i'm just even more mad at myself and my body.

***(five minutes later)

Just cut a little bit for the first time in a while. Why does it feel so good. Im so much more relaxed even though it was just a small one. Not even deep.

it's an addiction. That's why.

I started doing it as a release so now thats the only thing i know that works as a release. I don't know anything else that will make me relax or make worries go away for a while and aren't regrettable.

-Most people eat when they're depressed.
eating makes me more depressed
-Other people drink when they're depressed
i regret all of those calories later and become even more depressed
-Other people do drugs
the only thing i can get is weed which makes me eat a lot
-Some people hang out with friends to cheer up
i just make other people uncomfortable if i'm depressed
-Some people go shopping
i already did this week so now i have no money
-Some people listen to happy music
happy music gives me a headache when i'm depressed.
it also makes me angry for some reason
-Some people go to the gym to relax
i have no gym membership
-Some people need to vent to someone about their problems
i don't really have a problem i'm just depressed and i can't talk to anyone about this anyways

That leaves me with the only option i know that helps me feel better -- cutting.
and it works. i did it again while writing that last section.
even when they're insignificant little cuts, they still help me to feel better or relax. I don't know why.
I wish i didn't have to hide them. Then life would be so much easier.
but then again, nothing about this life is easy.......