Monday, March 29, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
OneTen.
Last week i was the huge whale in the back. This week i am the smaller whale.
Note that i am still a whale. Just a little bit of smaller one.
Baby steps. I'm starting that climb to the top of the mountain VV
Sunday, March 21, 2010
OneOhNine.
Good friend's mother collapsed of a brain aneurism during the softball game on saturday. She was brain dead by the time they reached the hospital and they pulled her off life support this afternoon. I don't even know what to do.
I've been so depressed that i've eaten soo much.
depression=eating
eating= more depression
so it becomes one big circle. There's so much sadness, grief, and tragedy going around my city right now.
Two days before my friends mother collapsed, a freshman on varsity football at my school died in his sleep of an enlarged heart. That tore my whole school apart and then my friend's mom passed and everyone is just even worse.
I sat in the dark by myself and ate cake. That's how depressed i've been recently.
I don't know what else to say really except pray that these families will heal somehow and that everything will turn out ok.
I've been so depressed that i've eaten soo much.
depression=eating
eating= more depression
so it becomes one big circle. There's so much sadness, grief, and tragedy going around my city right now.
Two days before my friends mother collapsed, a freshman on varsity football at my school died in his sleep of an enlarged heart. That tore my whole school apart and then my friend's mom passed and everyone is just even worse.
I sat in the dark by myself and ate cake. That's how depressed i've been recently.
I don't know what else to say really except pray that these families will heal somehow and that everything will turn out ok.
Monday, March 15, 2010
OneOhEight.
Everything will turn back around
v e r y s l o w l y
but it will. i know it will. It is always harder than the last time, but it's always possible.
"They take pictures of the mountain climbers at the top of the mountain. They are smiling, ecstatic, triumphant. They don’t take pictures along the way cause who wants to remember the rest of it? We push ourselves because we have to, not because we like it. The relentless climb, the pain and anguish of taking it to the next level – nobody takes pictures of that, nobody wants to remember, we just want to remember the view from the top, the breathtaking moment at the edge of the world. That’s what keeps us climbing and it’s worth the pain, that’s the crazy part. It’s worth anything."
v e r y s l o w l y
but it will. i know it will. It is always harder than the last time, but it's always possible.
"They take pictures of the mountain climbers at the top of the mountain. They are smiling, ecstatic, triumphant. They don’t take pictures along the way cause who wants to remember the rest of it? We push ourselves because we have to, not because we like it. The relentless climb, the pain and anguish of taking it to the next level – nobody takes pictures of that, nobody wants to remember, we just want to remember the view from the top, the breathtaking moment at the edge of the world. That’s what keeps us climbing and it’s worth the pain, that’s the crazy part. It’s worth anything."
Sunday, March 7, 2010
OneOhSeven.
OH
MY
GOD.
First of all, thank you heather for mentioning me in your blog =]
however, that's about the only good thing that's happened to me recently. The boyfriend thing is kind of out of control.
I told him that i was willing to get back together with him if we just took it slowly at first just to see if it could still work between us. I told him that if it ended up being weird we would break up and if it wasn't then we could just work on it and go from there. A pretty reasonable plan in my opinion. That way i wasn't committing myself to anything. So he invites to go out to dinner with his family for his grandma's birthday. I went just because i knew i would feel bad if i didn't. So i go and it's kind of weird but not too much since we were in a restaurant. Unfortunately, things went downhill once we got back home. It was so weird for me to kiss him because i knew he had kissed C last week and that bothered me but he kept kissing me anyways. (even though he knew i didn't want to) Then he tells me that he needs to go on a break. WHAT THE HELL?! he says that he knows he HAS to do it. He said that because he loves me so much he has to do it and why not now since we're already weird with each other. I told him that now would be a bad time and that we should get our footing with each other again before we go on any break so that we realize how much we miss each other and not still think about how weird it is. But he said it's not weird for him between us and now would be a perfect time.... So now we're on a break. I don't really know if the break is going to last or what, but not having the stress of having to make the decision to stay with him or not is already making a huge difference on my mood.
But before i went to that dinner yesterday, I had gone into this spiral of depression where i turned into the stereotypical dumpee and ate ice cream by the carton. Every. single. day. Not to mention a copious amount of other junk/dessert food items. Very, very bad.
I've gained a lot of weight. It's very much visible.
I went to the doctor because i have a stress fracture in my ankle (goddammit) and i heard people talking in the hall and someone said "well, she's really jumped up in weight." Although i don't know if it was about me, i'm pretty sure it was because i look absolutely disgusting. I actually gained enough weight to induce the first period i've had in six months. How horrible and ridiculous is that?
Despite my insane depressed weight gain, i've been getting more comments about how "skinny" i am. What the hell? I have to agree with heather now. People seem to compliment you when your heavier than normal which is sooo strange. I just don't understand it. Last Friday was 50s day and i dressed up as sandy from Grease, except the sandy at the end in the black outfit. I wore all black spandex, black heels, and i black leather vest with zippers and a buckle. Now i was honestly uncomfortable with this, but i got attacked by people on dance team with all of them grabbing my stomach, telling me i'm super skinny and asking me if i've "lost like twenty pounds."
However, i now plan tot ry and fight what is happening to me. I need to be stronger than everyone and everything that is opressing me. I need to forget about the boy this week, stop feeling sorry for myself, pull myself out of this depression, stop cutting, and lose some fuckin weight.
Here it goes.
(P.S. sorry if the post was choppy. I'm still kind of scattered from everything that's happened)
MY
GOD.
First of all, thank you heather for mentioning me in your blog =]
however, that's about the only good thing that's happened to me recently. The boyfriend thing is kind of out of control.
I told him that i was willing to get back together with him if we just took it slowly at first just to see if it could still work between us. I told him that if it ended up being weird we would break up and if it wasn't then we could just work on it and go from there. A pretty reasonable plan in my opinion. That way i wasn't committing myself to anything. So he invites to go out to dinner with his family for his grandma's birthday. I went just because i knew i would feel bad if i didn't. So i go and it's kind of weird but not too much since we were in a restaurant. Unfortunately, things went downhill once we got back home. It was so weird for me to kiss him because i knew he had kissed C last week and that bothered me but he kept kissing me anyways. (even though he knew i didn't want to) Then he tells me that he needs to go on a break. WHAT THE HELL?! he says that he knows he HAS to do it. He said that because he loves me so much he has to do it and why not now since we're already weird with each other. I told him that now would be a bad time and that we should get our footing with each other again before we go on any break so that we realize how much we miss each other and not still think about how weird it is. But he said it's not weird for him between us and now would be a perfect time.... So now we're on a break. I don't really know if the break is going to last or what, but not having the stress of having to make the decision to stay with him or not is already making a huge difference on my mood.
But before i went to that dinner yesterday, I had gone into this spiral of depression where i turned into the stereotypical dumpee and ate ice cream by the carton. Every. single. day. Not to mention a copious amount of other junk/dessert food items. Very, very bad.
I've gained a lot of weight. It's very much visible.
I went to the doctor because i have a stress fracture in my ankle (goddammit) and i heard people talking in the hall and someone said "well, she's really jumped up in weight." Although i don't know if it was about me, i'm pretty sure it was because i look absolutely disgusting. I actually gained enough weight to induce the first period i've had in six months. How horrible and ridiculous is that?
Despite my insane depressed weight gain, i've been getting more comments about how "skinny" i am. What the hell? I have to agree with heather now. People seem to compliment you when your heavier than normal which is sooo strange. I just don't understand it. Last Friday was 50s day and i dressed up as sandy from Grease, except the sandy at the end in the black outfit. I wore all black spandex, black heels, and i black leather vest with zippers and a buckle. Now i was honestly uncomfortable with this, but i got attacked by people on dance team with all of them grabbing my stomach, telling me i'm super skinny and asking me if i've "lost like twenty pounds."
However, i now plan tot ry and fight what is happening to me. I need to be stronger than everyone and everything that is opressing me. I need to forget about the boy this week, stop feeling sorry for myself, pull myself out of this depression, stop cutting, and lose some fuckin weight.
Here it goes.
(P.S. sorry if the post was choppy. I'm still kind of scattered from everything that's happened)
Monday, March 1, 2010
OneOhSix
So..... What do you do when your boyfriend cheats on you?
I have no idea what to do with myself. We've been together for over a year and a half.
And after many therapist visits I know I can't handle my own emotions. I can't even say right now that I'm angry at him or sad about it or literally any emotion. My emotional slate is fuzzy and I can't pick anything distinct out of it.
Any advice from experience or not. I'm really at a loss....
P.s. I called my friend crying instead of cutting for the first time ever. I have cried in front of other people less than ten times in my entire life and I did that instead of cut. A step in the right direction?
I have no idea what to do with myself. We've been together for over a year and a half.
And after many therapist visits I know I can't handle my own emotions. I can't even say right now that I'm angry at him or sad about it or literally any emotion. My emotional slate is fuzzy and I can't pick anything distinct out of it.
Any advice from experience or not. I'm really at a loss....
P.s. I called my friend crying instead of cutting for the first time ever. I have cried in front of other people less than ten times in my entire life and I did that instead of cut. A step in the right direction?
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