Twentyseven.

Well, I ended up eating a more than i planned on. Big surprise... not. I was only planning on having 380, but i ended up having 555. Oh well. 555 is hundreds less then i have been eating and probably thousands less than i ate this past weekend. I'm disappointed that i ate more than i planned on, but am glad that i only had 555. I can't tell you the last time a day like this occurred. The past couple weeks have been pretty hard for me and mostly because of food. The over eating of food drives me to cut, then i have to talk about it, and the therapy reminds my parents that i was anorexic, so they force me to eat which starts the cycle all over the next week. Its a very unhealthy cycle, but it won't stop. Because it happens so much, its becoming more and more a part of me and i'm becoming more and more resistant to help.

I know that that goal i set at camp is unreachable now. Even if i'm reminded everyday of it, i still won't be able to attain it. When you're at camp you think you can do anything, then you return to reality when you step off the bus at the end of the week. I'm back to reality now, and the reality is that this is who i am.

I apologize if i've said the same thing in almost every post recently, but i'm just trying to get a grip on things, so i pour my mind out onto the keyboard. I don't think i could ever say out loud most of the things i think. About Ana, or cutting, or even just the things i want to yell at my therapist. I usually have this wall built up and so far there's only one person who's been able to knock off the first few layers of bricks. I don't think anyone will ever completely knock it down, but the fact that i am comfortable enough around at least one person is a good feeling i guess. It kind of scares me a little. Sharing my feelings makes me uncomfortable and nervous. I don't know why. Is that normal? and is 555 good? idk. You tell me. Goodnight lovlies<3