Thirtytwo.

First day of school today. I can't even believe i have a whole year of this. I guess i looked fine today, but that was the least of my worries as the day started cuz my eating was fine during the school day only 168 calories. First period i have AP english and i was freaking out about it being first period, but it ended up being alright. Then US history was fine as well. My day got fucked as soon as i walked into 3rd period Precalculus. My teacher is the most ridiculous thing. Shes not even a person. She's a thing. Her voice drives me absolutely insane. She uses a valleygirl tone of voice for everything she says and it gets worse when shes mad. The valleygirl thing might be tolerable if she was young, but she's like 50. And all of her rules and policies are the opposite of what i do. I have OCD about school and everything she said was against all of it and i started freaking out. She also assigns a ridiculous amount of homework. I walked out her class completely stressed out and shaking and i've only had her for one day. Then, after that i had to go to AP Spanish 4 where i had to sign a contract saying i would never speak english inside the classroom. FML. Then 5th period i have Chemistry which is the most boring class because its so freaking easy compared to AP Biology. Then Dance Team where i had to go and get all sweaty. Then i came home in a horrible mood and all stressed out and i ate so much cuz of the stress. FML once again. Fantastic day........

Thirtyone.

Excuse the last post because that will never happen to me again. You want to know why? Alcohol equals a lot of calories and being high equals the munchies which happened to be on Pizza Hut. Not ok. I probably ate the most out of anyone there. And before that i was starting to pass out from it being really hot and me not eating so i got forced to eat and it ended up being Taco Bell. FML. I also have recently been forced to go to Hot Dog on a Stick. Not that these all didn't taste good. They just all made me feel like i was going to throw up after eating them and i feel like i'm also getting a lot fatter from this fast food.

Hopefully me wanting to eat was because it was the week before my period because i need to loose all this goddamn weight asap. I'm freaking out about it. Only two more days till school. thank the lord. and my mom is out of the country already. thank the lord. The only bad part about the situation? No dance at my studio, so only dance team for exercise (but were doing the craziest ridiculously fast dance right now that is an extreme cardio workout) and i can't see my boyfriend until friday.

Oh and also, i have to dance later. For three hours. Doing that ridiculous dance. On five hours of sleep and being drunk and high last night. Then i have to go to a birthday dinner at BJ's. I'm going to die.

Thirty.

I have to wear my super skinny jeans today because my 25s were feeling too big and the 24s were just a little too loose !!

Twentynine.

Intake:

Fast food - 625

Dinner - 180

clementine - 35

total - 840

Output:

Walking my dog - 52

Going for a walk - 330

Cleaning - 55

total - 437

Net: +403

It's really sad that my net intake of calories is the same as i could eat in a day. Fucking fast food. Why is it so terrible? Ah ! i hate my life. I'm going to be fat forever because food thats bad for you tastes so good and i get excited for it... so i eat it. Bad choice. Bad choice because doing that makes me even fatter which just causes more problems such as SI.

Well, i'm feeling rather short, so just gunna say a little about whats to come tomorrow. A few hours of driving, a hair appointment, many hours with my mom (fml), and then dance. Hopefully that'll burn off all the shit my mom will make me eat tomorrow. But then i might go to a party and all the alcohol i will have will make up for any calories i burned at dance. So tomorrow and the day after are screwed and i already screwed up today. fantastic.

Twentyeight.

Intake: 620

Output: 499 so far

Net: +121

Plan for tomorrow:  i will read a chapter, then do situps for a 5 minute song then read, then situps etc etc.  for i don't know how long, but i have all day =]

Going out to BJ's on saturday.... that's going to be a calorie bust. I can't eat that whole day until then and i have to restrict as much as i can tomorrow and friday. I don't know how well that's going to work, but oh well. I'll have to try and if the worst happens, school starts on monday =] Then i can restrict for reals =] And not to be a downer but i think the worst might happen. I might be able to get away with it tomorrow, but i'll have to eat dinner. As for friday, i'm going to be with my mom for breakfast and lunch i think so fml in that respect. Then i think i'm going to a party on friday night. Alcohol = tons of calories. Good thing it doesn't take a lot to get me drunk. Then saturday is BJ's. But i think i'll be alone the whole day before that unless i go to venice that day with my friends, but i don't know if venice would be that fun hungover.....

Let my hair soak in deep conditioning right now and i have nothing to do so sorry if anything was rambly. I'm just bored. I'm gunna get in the shower soon though. <3

Twentyseven.

Well, I ended up eating a more than i planned on. Big surprise... not. I was only planning on having 380, but i ended up having 555. Oh well. 555 is hundreds less then i have been eating and probably thousands less than i ate this past weekend. I'm disappointed that i ate more than i planned on, but am glad that i only had 555. I can't tell you the last time a day like this occurred. The past couple weeks have been pretty hard for me and mostly because of food. The over eating of food drives me to cut, then i have to talk about it, and the therapy reminds my parents that i was anorexic, so they force me to eat which starts the cycle all over the next week. Its a very unhealthy cycle, but it won't stop. Because it happens so much, its becoming more and more a part of me and i'm becoming more and more resistant to help.

I know that that goal i set at camp is unreachable now. Even if i'm reminded everyday of it, i still won't be able to attain it. When you're at camp you think you can do anything, then you return to reality when you step off the bus at the end of the week. I'm back to reality now, and the reality is that this is who i am.

I apologize if i've said the same thing in almost every post recently, but i'm just trying to get a grip on things, so i pour my mind out onto the keyboard. I don't think i could ever say out loud most of the things i think. About Ana, or cutting, or even just the things i want to yell at my therapist. I usually have this wall built up and so far there's only one person who's been able to knock off the first few layers of bricks. I don't think anyone will ever completely knock it down, but the fact that i am comfortable enough around at least one person is a good feeling i guess. It kind of scares me a little. Sharing my feelings makes me uncomfortable and nervous. I don't know why. Is that normal? and is 555 good? idk. You tell me. Goodnight lovlies<3

Twentysix.

Depending on what i do late i might be posting a lot today =]

Right now i'm feeling like a pro and con list is in order. Two of them actually. Here we go:

My Situation:

+: My parents aren't always home

+: School keeps me away from questioning

+:Only one of my friends knows

+:She is still my friend despite what i do

+:Being at dance all night on tuesdays means i don't have to eat

+:I dance enough to work off most of what i eat (unless i binge)

+:My mom is leaving for a week on friday !!!!! (no more bugging me about anything!!)

-:My parents currently question me all the time

-:I've had to talk to a doctor and a therapist

-:I'm pretty much back at my starting weight... (biggest disappointment)

-:My boyfriend knows

-:My therapist is trying to make me spiritual !! wtf ! (i'm atheist)

-:She also pisses me off now

-:I found out i have to go to therapy 6 times

Today

+:I'm not allowed to leave so i won't be eating out with my boyfriend

+:I've only had 190 calories so far today

+:I've burnt off 96 of that already

+:I haven't cut so far today

+:I wore a really cute outfit haha =]

+:Dinner is 190 calories if i eat all of it

+:380 is so much less than i've been eating

-:My bf is going to be mad when i tell him i can't leave

-:I still have to eat more

-:My therapist pissed me off today

-:Burnt myself twice

As for the fact that i've only had 190 calories today, i can't even begin to explain how amazing that is. I've been forced to eat during the week last week and then over the weekend (including friday night) I ate more than i think i've ever eaten in 3 days. And that includes even before i stopped eating the first time. I've been at family functions all weekend and have gone out to dinner every night. With dessert all 3 times. If it tells you anything i actually had to unbutton my pants and walk around slowly for about 15 minutes because i couldn't sit down, i ate so much. I honestly thought i was going to throw up if i sat down anywhere. That's how bad its been the past few days. Other than that it hasn't been terrible i guess... its obviously more than i was eating since i've been forced to eat something during all three meals of the day everyday whether i'm with my family or my boyfriend. But only 5 more days until school starts thank god! Once i'm at school not eating will be sooooo much easier its ridiculous. I get up earlier than my mom, so she can't check if i ate breakfast, i'm at school all day so she can't check if i ate lunch, and at least one day a week (well starting the second week of school because dance doesnt start again until then) i don't eat dinner at home so they can't check if i ate anything for dinner ! So basically, the only thing i have to eat everyday is dinner. And i walk to and from school everyday, so i get a shitload of exercise during the school year. It's over a mile there and back plus walking around at school and dance team 6th period and then dance at my studio after school. I'm excited for everything except the homework haha. Well, i guess i have to read now. Think thin and i will hopefully be joining up with Ana and you all again soon enough !

Twentyfive.

Well.... my therapist told my parents i needed to get a physical so i went today. I weigh 106 with clothes on and after eating. That means i weigh more like 104. That's not terrible, but i don't want to actually weigh 106. That would be terrible. And now that i've been eating, it'll be hard to stop eating again. I can't wait for school to start cuz my parents can't keep track of anything i eat all day long so i don't have to eat at all. Only one more week until school<3 I can't tell you how much a long to feel empty. I've been feeling so full lately and i can't wait until i can live on empty and have that high. I'd never thought i'd say i miss not eating, but it's true. I became so accustomed to that lifestyle and i think i actually enjoyed some aspects of it which is why it keeps drawing me back (besides the addiction to cutting portion of things). And as for that, i've been scavenging for sharp objects. how sad is that? So i've tried other forms of self harm... I don't know what's wrong with me. I really don't. I mean i wanted to stop cutting which is what got me into this mess in the first place, but now i realize it's become a part of me and i can't completely let go of something that consumed me and was a big part of my life even if it was only for a short period of time. And since i can't let go of it, i don't want anyone to help me with my "problems". All these people who want to help me, i don't know if i can accept their offers anymore. I thought i was strong enough to turn away from all of this, but i realized its not about strength for me. No one can give up a part of themselves. Cutting and starving are a part of me and i can choose to not display them, but i know i can never get rid of them. And i don't want to try either. I think without realizing it i accepted these things as a part of who i am, who i was going to end up being. Even with these things going on in my life, i still have people who love me and people i can depend on. So obviously there are some people who can see past all of that and recognize that i'm still the same person. There's just another side of me that has emerged. I've come to accept it and everyone else should too.

Twentyfour.

Why is it that when i'm having a bad day and am at home i feel i need to log into blogger? Today is going to be the second or third worst day of my life. I had already cried by 915 in the morning and i have to go to my first therapy appointment later. I have gotten 11 hours of sleep in the past two days and i spent the whole day at disneyland yesterday. Needless to say, my exhaustion doesn't help my mood at all. Oh yeah, and i'm pretty sure i at least fractured my wrist. I was excited for today, but now i'm not at all. I'm not excited and my boyfriend is playing me a song he wrote for me tonight. I should be at least a little excited for that. Whatever. My family is making me get fat and i have to go to therapy and i'm tired but can't fall asleep and i'm pissed off. Hence why today is the second or third worst day of my life.

Sorry for the downer post, but i'm in a terrible mood and need to vent.

Twentythree.

I'm back. But unfortunately, i've been caught. I was forced to call home from where i was and tell my parents against my will. They went through my entire room drawer by drawer and found everything and hid the scale and are now trying to get me to go see a phycologist. I only told one person because i wanted to make a goal to stop cutting. However, we discussed everything and now my parents are making sure that i eat. It doesn't look like i've gained too much so far, but who knows about the future. I was ok with going on the journey to try to stop the cutting because i know it's unhealthy, but i can't stop thinking about my weight. This will always be a part of me no matter how many people my parents make me go talk to and i don't think they realize that. I've already had to talk with a trained councilor and nothing in my mind has changed. I'm still the same girl who knows shes fat and is willing to starve to loose all that extra weight. My life is kind of on hiatus right now and have no idea what's coming. And to tell you the truth, i'm scared to death. If they make me gain weight, i will be even more depressed than i was before and that will only lead to more cutting which nobody wants. Why can't they just trust me to not cut? And how about not making up excuses to have me eat in front of them. That would be fantastic. I can see straight through their excuses. Why can't they just let me be. I think that would be the best therapy. Because honestly, i was the one who went to get help about my cutting. I think they're forgetting that. Obviously i want to make a change in my life. They think i'm completely against them and that there's something wrong with me. If they would just let me sort out my own life instead of throwing a ton of new things at me in a sad attempt to help i would be much better off. I can tell that my immediate future is going to be rough. sigh.