OneEighteen.

My mom made me meet with a nutritionist and she wants me to eat 1500 calories a day.

Too bad i'm always at dance and my mom can't enforce it =]


it's also too bad that i'm still disgusting. I did fit myself into a size 00 dress for party last night, but i have no idea how. I barely fit into 00 jeans.

I feel like i never give up on trying to restrict, but i'm not trying hard enough either. I still eat more than i used to and probably more than most of you, but i haven't binged in a very long time and i don't eat horribly on a day to day basis. I eat a little bit of unhealthy food at lunch, but it's never my food. I don't bring much and i don't ever buy anything. Last week wasn't horrible though. I think the only extra stuff i got was a few french fries and 2 1/2 oreos for the week. That's much better than some previous weeks.

I can never stick to my plans anymore. It's getting easier with protein bars though. I know that they're a lot of calories. 140-200 each, but my mom makes sure i eat them. And if i just eat a bar for lunch and dinner, it's like 400 for day. Unfortunately i can't stick to that. There's usually fruit and cereal involved. But at least it's healthy i guess.

idk. i just hate being this big. Especially when people tell me that this is small. Don't tell me i am when i'm not.

OneSeventeen.

I've lost 5 pounds since switching birth controls, but i'm still a disgusting weight. Ugh.

OneSixteen.

Once upon a time i was this size(disregard these outfits):

OneFifteen.

So much fucking shit i don't want to deal with.

The bf i broke up with continuously calls my cell and my house despite me telling him i don't want to talk.
Plus, why the hell would he want to talk to me after i ended our 2 year relationship?

I also got a lot more than sucked into the drama of my friends breakup. Let me tell you that its not fun to have everyone hate you and be called slash blamed for being the reason why they broke up.
That whole situation is still settling.

I'm still a gargantuan beast. My mom told me that she noticed it too. Although she added "but you were SO skinny before that you're still skinny now"

That seems to be everyones response. That now I'm just normal skinny. They all noticed but they thought i was really skinny before anyways.


I DON'T WANT TO BE JUST NORMAL SKINNY. I DON'T WANT TO JUST BE AVERAGE. I WANT TO FUCKING STAND OUT. I WANT TO CATCH PEOPLES EYE AND I WANT TO BE A LOT MORE THAN NORMAL SKINNY. I NEED TO BE ABNORMALLY SKINNY AND THEN SOME.

I'm switching birth controls today. I hope it makes me fucking nauseous so that i won't ever eat. Then i'll tell the doctor that i fucking love this birth control. Then i'll be a skinny little bitch. Fucking finally.