Twentytwo.

Ok well i feel absolutely disgusting. ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. Even after dinner i was feeling decent because i still looked relatively small. I ate mostly salad and refused the corn. However, then i had dessert. Apple pie and vanilla ice cream. FUCK. WHY THE FUCK DID I DO THAT?? i don't know what i was thinking. I feel massive right now. I'm currently discussing my situation with my friend who had been starving with me and who knows all about my cutting and everything else i've done. I tell her everything. She's the only one who doesn't judge me and who i can trust to tell everything to. We think that maybe this binge will help me get through next week at camp without really eating. After every binge (as i do right now) you feel like shit. Your body is filled with food and it's repulsive to look at. Then you don't want to weigh yourself in the morning because you know you gained, but it helps you to not eat the next day cuz you know you fucked up the day before. Hopefully that's the case and i can stay strong this coming week. I've gone so long without a binge this time. I was loosing weight so slowly that i knew i had to not binge, but once i got down lower i binged because i could see that i had lost weight and i wasn't loosing as slowly. Now i know that i'm probably up in weight and i need to not fuck up anymore if i want to loose the weight i just gained. Let's all hope that i can get through this week safely =]

And as for that friend that i have. Everyone should find a friend like that. It makes this journey so much easier. I know we all have supporters on here that comment us and encourage us, but having someone you actually know and can talk to in person makes a world of difference. I feel like it would be weird to tell her this in person, but i appreciate her talking to me so much more than she knows. Starving and cutting aren't things you can just discuss with anyone and you need an outlet. You can't just blog about these things. Sure it helps, but you'll start going crazy if you don't tell someone and i promise you'll make the same mistake i did and tell the wrong person at first. Find someone you know you can trust, who won't judge you, who won't try and change who you are/what you're doing, who accepts you, and who won't leave you when you tell them. I know that sounds like a lot, but they all go hand in hand and if someone has one they are very likely to have most of the other things. I need my friend so much it's ridiculous. I couldn't do this without her and she doesn't even take food from me or take my knives. She's just there to talk to. It seems like such a simple thing but i swear it makes a world of difference.

I apologize for this post. I feel like i rambled a lot. I don't know if it made sense or not. i'm sorry if it didn't. I'm a little flustered at the moment. i'm sorry.

Twentyone.

Woo ! down to 100.4 ! i can't believe it. I thought i ate more than i should have, but i guess i did ok if i still lost weight. On another good note, i'm still using the bathroom even though i stopped taking the laxatives. Only about every other day, but that's so much better than it was. I'm so glad my body is functioning =] However, not eating is starting to make me really tired especially because i went to the beach today. Not a good idea..... 

Unfortunately there's a few more bad notes to come. One, i know i ate too much today. about 600 calories, but about 100 at 8:30 pm which is a terrible time to eat. It's all going to be absorbed while i sleep and i know i'm going to wake up fatter. The best i can hope is that my stomach looks big now because i drank over a bottle of water since 8. Two, i've returned to cutting. I had been doing it randomly since the beginning of June, but now i know i'm addicted again. I get anxiety when i don't do it and i feel so much better while i'm doing it. I know that has nothing to do with the main theme of this blog (eating) but i started cutting because of my eating habits. and finally three, i'm not going to be here for the next week. I'll be here tomorrow and i'll post one last entry before i leave on saturday. I'll be gone until the following saturday. When i get back i'll catch up on everyone's blogs that i usually read i promise. leave me some comments while i'm gone too ;)

Alright, i feel like shit because i'm fucking obese right now so i'm going to go to bed so that i can wake up early and clean and pack all day. fan-fuckin-tastic.

Hope you all are doing better than me

stay strong xoxo

Twenty.

YES ! i skipped my second goal weight completely. I'm finally back down into 101. Hopefully i can maintain that tomorrow too. Today is proving to be a little difficult though. It's the first day after fasting and since i already had some fruit my body just wants more food. I think i'm going to have a little bit of chicken and half and apple. I have to try to not give in very much. Especially when my house is filled with a bunch of snack foods and things that aren't so healthy. Like the Frosted brown sugar cinnamon pop tarts that stare at me every time i open the pantry. So far i've been able to resist them this week, but who knows about later. I really need to not binge. I finally lost some weight and i can't let that go away. I can't let myself gain too much weight. If i'm 102 tomorrow just because i ate the day after a fast i might be ok, but anything else and i'll be pissed. I've had about 500 calories so far today and i plan on not eating anymore. I have 2 hours of dance to burn that off and i'm going to walk my dog after i finish this post.

Just to waste some time i stole a survey from Vee:

Age?

16
Height?

5'4"
Weight?

101
Lowest Weight?

99 from recent times but i really don't remember from before
Highest Weight?

109
What weight do you want to weigh?

99 before school but 95 would look a lot better
What eating disorder do you have?

Anorexia

How many calories do you eat in a day, on average?

It varies a lot, but right now i'd say 400-900 usually
Do you throw up your food on occasion?

No. believe me i've tried many times, but my body won't let me
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress?

Doesn't everyone
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track?

Dance. It actually has taken over my life haha
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight?

yes.
Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long?

yes. i fast once a week.
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories?

All the time.....
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses?

i guess.... some of them make good thinspo
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED?

nopee. i got stopped by friends before it got bad enough for that
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting?

no.
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder?

yes. and i did for about a year but then i returned to it.
Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not?

yes. I hate when my mom says "you can eat that you're skinny"
What part of your body would you change?

i would love to just be thinner all over, but i mainly focus on my thighs and my stomach
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body?

not solely, but it does affect how i view myself
Because of your body appearance/weight, have you become severely depressed?

unfortunately, yes.
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses? 

sometimes, but i usually compare mine to the people around me
Do you think you eat healthy enough? 

For the most part yes. Except for those god awful 
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs? 

occasionally yeah, but i give into the cravings
Fat grams? 

sometimes it plays a part in food selection, but not usually, no.
Calories? 

Very much so.
Are you often tired/fatigued? 

yeah.
Do you feel more energized after eating food? 

umm, sometimes yes. If its fast food i just feel sick though.
Do you eat meat? 

yes.
Do you eat your food in a certain way? 

Most of the time. I cut my food into tiny pieces and i count how many times i chew each bite.
Do people tell you you look sick or famished? 

yeah right. i wish. When i was 100 and 99 for a while my teacher kept asking me if i was eating and what was wrong with me.
Have you ever thrown up blood? 

nopee.
Is your heart bpm above 49? 

no idea.
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating? 

i wish i didn't eat enough to make myself faint, but no. I've only gotten lightheaded
Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders? 

I think the media is at fault for wanarexics. People who are actually anorexic or bulimic don't need the media to make them lose weight they just use the media for inspiration once they already have the disorder.
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana? 

i'm not against it. I think it could potentially make more people wanarexic or possibly make people realize that they have an ED. However, i feel that the Pro-Ana community is good for people with EDs because there is a lot of support there and people need other people who they can relate to on a certain level and you can't talk to your normal friends or other people about things like EDs.
Do you have any other mental disorders? 

Depression, terrible mood swings, and occasional anxiety.
What's your favorite food to eat? 

Wheat thins. Chocolate. Peanut butter. Cereal. Miso soup.
Favorite drink? zero calorie lifewater.
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED? 

That doesn't really bother me. I wish people didn't care if they knew that i had one or that i could weigh what i want to weigh without having an ED.
Do you want to recover? 

No, but i want to be at a place where i might be able to reach peace with my body and my mind.

Nineteen.

I feel like nothing i do works. I ate about 500 calories yesterday and i successfully fasted for my first tuesday fast like i said i would do a few entries ago. Yay me for eating anything today, but boo body for how it looks. It appears that i really haven't lost weight. I don't understand how that could happen. With 500 calories in 2 days, 6 hours of dance (ballet, contemporary and hip hop), 2 hours of swimming, and lots of walking around i should i have burned off those calories. Even though it was actually more than 500 because i don't know how many calories are in the alcohol i consumed. It wasn't much more though. I didn't have much. Either way i still should have burned it all off. And having burned it all of plus some i should have less fat and be skinnier which i visibly am not. This is all so frustrating for me. Why can't it just work out for me one more time?

Eighteen.

I'm convinced that my metabolism is completely shot. If i don't eat really well or exercise at least a little i don't loose anything or i gain. For example i went wakeboarding and wakesurfing on saturday and that should have burned a whole lot of calories. I ate very well that day i ate pretty much all fruits and vegetables and a burger with no bun or condiments but i had 2 drinks that night. The next morning i woke up with weight gain. It's the most frustrating thing. I'm trying so hard right now, but my body just won't let me and it's really discouraging. It's like i'm trying this hard for nothing. I've been eating well for a little less than 2 weeks and i've lost 3 pounds. What happened to when i could loose 7 pounds in a week?

It also makes it hard because this is my fourth attempt. What's worse is that the first three were at least relatively easy. I can tell you that attempts one and two took almost  no effort. Starving didn't seem to phase me and i lost a lot of weight both times. Try number three took only slightly longer because i had to hide it from people. It was my first attempt since telling anyone what i was doing, but none the less i got down to 99.8 pounds.

Now here i am at my fourth try. The third one in 3 months and my body isn't cooperating. I've never had this problem before nor have a i read about it on anyone else's blog. The only problems people run into are secrecy and bingeing. I don't know what to do with myself. All i know is that i want to be 99 pounds by school and i have determination right now to do that. I really hope i can accomplish it because just reading those numbers on the scale will erase all obstacles i had to overcome to get there.

how i feel right now:

"Shadow" - Maria Mena

give it a listen<3

Seventeen.

i was reading older posts from some of the blogs i follow and i found an entry on Kat's blog that i felt applied to me as well. She wrote that she is a PAFFW (a Post Anorexic Frustrated Fat Woman). I have lived with anorexia twice and now i feel like i am not truly Ana, i just try my hardest to be thin without going to those drastic measures. My life, like hers, since the anorexia has been binge, starve, binge, starve. I have been on so many random diets, then i gain weight, then i try a new diet. I cannot tell you how many times i've gone through that cycle.

I just thought i'd share that little moment of realization and relation i had =]

Sixteen.

I'm now paying for my poor eating habits. I thought i did a sufficient job at working off everything i ate, but apparently not. I walked 4 miles, went swimming, did situps, and had dance last night. However my eating yesterday wasn't up to par which is why i've only lost 0.2 pounds. I can't really be mad because it's still a loss but it's disappointing.

I am slowly getting back on track though ! that's exciting for me. I've only been loosing weight really slowly, but i haven't been gaining at all so i'm going in the right direction.

**New goal: be 100 or below when school starts(preferably 99)**

i have about a month before school starts, so i think that that's reasonable. I just can't mess up anymore. Maybe this goal will help me to stay on track. I've been faced with many situations involving food recently and i've only given in once, but i realized i did and stopped. I think with my boyfriend out of town this is easier for me. It will also probably be easier once school starts as well. School means:

-More time spent away from food

-the boyfriend not always with me (we go to different schools)

-less people to notice if i don't eat

-More time being occupied by schoolwork

My weekdays while i'm at school are more along the lines of: wake up at 6, walk to school, go through the school day, walk home, some homework(but mostly going on the computer), dance, then homework. Occasionally dinner is slipped in before dance, but my new schedule only allows that once a week. Mon-Wed i can skip dinner. I have all this week and my parents haven't noticed =]

**New Plan: Fast every Tuesday**

I met this woman recently and she just told me that she fasts every monday because it's like a healthy detox for her body. I figure that that's a good idea, but tuesday is a more realistic day in which i would be able to fast. Fasting one day a week will probably also help me loose weight.

I really hope i can stick to all of this because i think these plans/goals will really help me reach 99 again.

Fifteen.

I guess its going better since my last post. Back down to 104 now. Not that 104 is good at all, but its better than the 106 i had going for me the other day. I had a cupcake today unfortunately. It's basically the only thing i've eaten all day though. I had some strawberry slices this morning and a banana but thats about it.

I was strong enough to go to Baja Fresh with my boyfriend, not order anything, watch him eat his food, and not take a single bite of it !!! I was impressed with myself. Baja is really good. But that cupcake was in the back of my mind and i knew i couldn't especially since i know i'm not taking another laxative until tomorrow. So i can't fuck up my eating today. I'm going to be at dance from 515 until 930 though. With no breaks. 4 straight hours of class. No time for eating. and i don't plan on eating before i leave. Maybe some celery so that im not running on complete emptiness, but nothing major hopefully (you never know what'll happen when i wander into the kitchen). But i'm not hungry anyways. That's my problem. I eat when i'm not hungry. That's why i'm fat.

Fourteen.

God help me. I need some serious help right now. The past two weeks have been terrible. I'm legitimately embarrassed about my weight right now. I went on a vacation to oahu, maui, and hawaii for almost the whole two weeks. Unfortunately, i gained weight before i left. I wasn't doing absolutely terrible, but i will admit i wasn't doing very well in the way of eating beforehand. It doesn't help that i have been bloated for a little over a week now. I don't know why i haven't just gotten my period already. I went through some cramps, the exremely huge appetite and the worst mood swings i've ever had already. It's not like i'm even close to a weight where i wouldn't get my period. I still got my period when i was 99. i'm obviously still going to get it at my ridiculous weight. I finally found a friend to do this with me though. So hopefully we can reverse this soon.