I moved all the candy and all the cookies i got for christmas downstairs and in public places so that i won't mindlessly eat while in my room. hopefully this will help me a lot because snacking is what really fucks me over. All the tiny little handfuls that you think "oh i'm only taking a tiny bit" add up throughout the day when you don't realize it.
I think i'm slowly gaining back some control. I walked away from things at christmas, i didn't add anything to my lunch yesterday despite my mom yelling at me "You have to start eating better and getting more protein or i'm gunna come down on your ass", i pretty much stuck to just vegetables for dinner last night, i went for a run yesterday, i've opened the banana bread and then walked away 3 times without eating any, i walked away from the coffee cake this morning, and today i had coffee for breakfast and my 30 calorie popcorn for lunch.
While typing that i felt pretty good, but then i looked down at my stomach. I dont see how if i can do good things like that my body doesn't get any smaller. I keep replaying in my mind the day when my dance teacher asked me if i was eating and told me that i look like im not eating enough and i'm getting really thin. I was about 98 pounds that day and i felt fantastic. All i want is that body, that control, and those feelings. However with that control i can get the other two (hopefully).
Sorry if my posts have been kind of downers lately. I've been depressed for some reason and i lost control of everything for a while which means i gained weight. I look disgusting right now. Cassy wants me to post a picture of my new corset. I will post a picture when i'm small enough to wear it all the way tightened. i promise. but that might be a while. the tie up the back is out like an inch.
I'm sorry (if you've read this far in this post) that you've had to listen to me rant about how fat i am in all of my recent posts. I'm sure it doesn't help any of you in what you're trying to do. Unfortunately, (especially when theres no school) its all i think about. all the time.
In other news, the urge to cut is back so strongly it's taking all of me not to get the blade out of my paper cutter as i sit in my bed right now. I'm holding off because i'm seeing my boyfriend almost everyday and i also don't know if i'm going to go get lasered tomorrow. (of which i have to take my pants off in front of my mother for) I sit and look at my scars and i want more. I don't know why. It seems strange to want to be marked for some very socially unacceptable thing, but i guess most of my life is socially unacceptable anyways.
the wind is blowing outside. i wish i was light enough to blow away.
2 comments:
The snacking is a huge problem with me aswell, I've started to convert my family to healthier food so that if I ever feel the urge to snack it cant do too much damage.
Stay strong
xx
my family eats pretty healthy but its the holidays so all of that unhealthy food that comes once a year is ALL here. and there's a lot of it.....
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