Fourtyfive.

What the fuck is wrong with my body? I almost healed and now i'm hurting again. Fucked up both my ankles again at least a little bit and my toe is cracking again and my achilles is hurting and i think i bruised the bone in the ball of my foot and when i bend over my knee hurts and my shin goes numb then when i stand back up the bone that sticks out of the side of my knee hurts. What the hell? I'm still gunna dance on them. Otherwise i get no exercise and i'll get fat. I'm just starting to get smaller again. It's taken all week so far and i don't want to put weight back on again. I would go into a major depression. I'm only gunna skip the classes i really don't need to go to so that i can get as much exercise as i can without hurting myself that much more.

Fuck My Life. I'm going to be obese.

Fourtyfour.

My stomach is making noises like a beast.

Oh well gotta suck it up and go to school now....

Fourtythree.

Burning off so many calories at dance and gymnastics is just about the only way i can keep my net calorie intake so dang low. Even after having some cheesecake at dance and some coffeecake today at lunch, i still only had a net intake of 131 calories. And that's when i only count three hours of dancing even though i had class for four hours.

And i changed around my schedule for BBC. I can't get away with fasting so i took those days out and filled in the gaps. And i decided that i want to successfully complete as many days as i can on the first attempt, so i took calorie restrictions off on the weekends. This doesn't mean that i can binge, it just means i don't have to stay under 600 calories every weekend (even though i stay around there anyways). I did it mostly to keep me from becoming even more depressed. I'm still going to keep track of how many calories i eat on the weekend days of course, but i'm not going to say i can only eat this much because the weekends are when there's homecoming and hanging out with the boyfriend and family gatherings and all sorts of things where you have to publicly display that you have consumed something.

For example, i went to a sweet sixteen this weekend. I had a plate of salad and two scoops of beans so it appeared to the boyfriend that i was eating and i had a couple chocolate covered strawberries to partake in the whole dessert fiasco.

Don't judge me for this please. I'm not backing out of this challenge. I swear. I still have the same 50 day diet that i had before except all the days are on weekdays. If it doesn't get me down to 99 or lower, then it's my fault for not sticking to the original plan (but honestly, i was just going to end up blowing the weekends and adding them to the end anyways).

Let's see how this works out. Don't give up on me guys. I'm just starting this long journey, you can't let go of me now.

Stay strong <3

Fourtytwo.

I just tried on a size zero dress and it was too big !!

Fourtyone.

I know i mentioned that i made my own version of ABC. I am calling it BBC because my name starts with a B and even though it's easier than ABC, it will still be a boot camp for me. I'm prepared with foods i can eat to survive this week, but i think i'm just going to blow every weekend and end up adding those days onto the end. My boyfriend forces me to eat, so even though i don't eat that much, what i eat around him fills if not exceeds my calorie limit for the day.

I always have the drive to not eat on weekdays, but when it comes to the weekend i don't know what happens. I'm around my boyfriend and i feel like i don't have a strict schedule for the day, so i don't stay within limits. Granted i haven't gone way over the limit, it still counts as "i am a fatass add that day to the end of the diet."

I've only added one day to the end so far because i went to a sweet sixteen and i knew i couldn't not eat, so i embraced the day as an eating day and forgot about BBC. I hope i can start posting every day and tell you (whoever even reads this) whether i passed or failed each day. I'm going into this knowing that most people fail at least a few days of ABC, so if i do it's not something to kill myself over (unless i have some crazy huge binge). I will simply add the day to the end.

I am expecting many school weeks filled with BBC and many weekends filled with depression from overeating. meh.

I'm sorry about how much i just rambled about the same thing. I think all this food is getting to my head. I need to stop eating... now.

Fourty.

FUCK.

The batteries in my scale died and i don't think i have any to replace them.

and

I am pretty positive that i gained weight from last night even though i stayed under 600 calories. And i'm pretty positive because i currently look like a cow. Or more like a cow with huge tumors all over its body. I was even thinking about posting pictures on here cuz i was just about 99 pounds but then i looked in the mirror this morning and decided that it was an absolutely terrible idea to show people that i look like this. Nobody would be pleased to see those pictures because this is about what i look like right now:

Thirtynine.

Sorry for not posting in a while. I've really been meaning to.

So.... a few new things in my life.

1. I finally got my license. Now i have so much more freedom and i leave early for dance every day so that i'm away from all the food in the kitchen cuz that's where i end up everyday after school.

2. Only one more visit to the therapist until she tells the parents whether or not to have me keep going. I'm still lying a little to her so that maybe i won't have to go any more. The therapist is a complete waste of my time. She had nothing to talk about with me this week so we meditated. Seriously? My parents pay for me to meditate with this crazy woman for an hour.

3. Since i can't do ABC because it would be way to suspicious to my parents who check what i eat. I made my own boot camp diet that i can do without my parents finding out. 200 calories more than the ABC days and i moved some of the days around so that i fast every tuesday because that's the only day i can get away with it. I've only been doing it for 2 days not counting today and i was down to 100 this morning =] So i'm thinking that i need to stick to this. And if i mess up (overeat) any day i simply go to the next day, but add the day i messed up on to the end of the 50 days. That way i still have to go through all 50 days of the diet successfully.

4. I know i said i hurt myself before, but i fractured one of my ankles and i sprained the other one. The sprained one is pretty good now and the other one was just getting better and then i went to gymnastics and pointe this week and it's not ok any more. Fantastic.

I'm off to do situps now. adios.

Thirtyeight.

Shit just hit the fan ladies and gentlemen.

I was doing so well. Still loosing weight behind everyones backs. Until last night that is. Chips and dip kill me. I did eventually switch to carrots to try and save myself but i still went crazy over the chips. Then a cheeseburger. I didn't use a bun a bun to try and save myself but i still ate the whole patty. Then a five pound tub of cookie dough. I only had a few spoons to try and save myself but cookie dough is bad no matter how much you eat.

Notice a trend here?

I always give in and then realize how horrible it was and try to fix it but it never actually does anything. I still gain the weight as if i kept eating instead of stopping part way through. I also tried walking on a treadmill, but considering i have one fractured ankle and one sprained ankle, i only got to burn 100 calories.

So now i'm scared to weigh myself. I'm not going to step on until tomorrow morning.(not that dinner is really going to do me any good) I ate a decently small but very healthy breakfast to start up the metabolism, i plan on skipping lunch, but then i'm taking a trip to the melting pot for dinner and i already know that thats going to be bad. I'll have to do a bunch of situps today or something to go along with the laxative i plan on taking. Hopefully i can recover from yesterday because i'm worried. And guess who came to comfort me? You got it, a nice sharp knife. I really need to stop worrying and stressing about things cuz Mr. SK always seems to want to comfort me.

The other day someone asked me if it hurts and i said no without even thinking. But today i realized that it only doesn't hurt at all because i do it in the same place all the time. If you start a new area, it actually does hurt a little. I don't know. Just a little realization for the day.

Thirtyseven.

B I G S E C R E T S.

&

little secrets.

So many secrets in my life right now.

Oh, and i'm finally back down to 101. =]

Thirtysix.

I always looked in through your glasses

But all I could see

Is the specter of me reflected

The empty shell of me

What could you possibly love in me?

Is it the way I wear my smile

It hangs from the tip of my tongue you see

Oh this might take awhile...

Why is it that this song plays in my head so frequently? People tell me all day that they love me and are worried for me. Why do i constantly push their words aside. I rarely rest upon them to ease my mind. Most of the time those words sit silently in the back corners of my mind sparsely making an appearance in my trains of thought.

Why is it that i want all of this? Why can i not stray away from SI? Why do i always return to Ana? What about her voice draws me in every time? Why have i come crawling back for almost four years now? Why do i enjoy reading other peoples stories? Why do i like watching other peoples stories? Why do i participate in the stories my friends are creating in their own lives about ana or SI? Why would i want to support them in such a destructive path? Maybe because i don't want off the path myself? Is all of this worth it? Should i continue? (well i can't stop) Why do i insist upon secretly continuing this lifestyle behind the backs of everyone that i love? How can i consciously choose to hurt the people i love most? How can i go against the people i depend on? What would i do if they decided to leave me? Am i already all alone? Or am i just alone in my mind? Why did i stray from so many people? Why have i closed myself off from the people who are still in my life(thank god for them)? Why do i continue with all of this if i can't explain why i do it? Is it a legitimate addiction? Why hasn't my therapist helped? Is it because i have set my mind to the fact that i don't want help at all? Why the hell did i tell someone besides KT and MD about this in the first place?Why am i so full of regret for that? Is it because i immediately changed my mind? Why is school not my main focus? Why is dance not consuming more of my thoughts?What made me pick up that knife for the first time? What went through my mind before it touched my skin? How did i become obsessed with all of this? Why did i begin to hate my body? Why did i begin to hate myself? Why have i never planned to kill myself if i hate myself so much? Why have i never planned my suicide if i am so depressed? Why am i so depressed in the first place? Why did all of this happen to me?

My answer:

I don't know.

Thirtyfive.

Ok so good or bad first? I always like the bad first so here it goes:

Bad:

- I sprained my ankle for the third time.

- That means to exercise

- I fucked up my big toe on the other foot

- Once again, no exercise

- My mom thinks i'm cutting again

- Almost positive i saw my uncle staring at the two cuts on my leg this morning

- I have no money to buy all the books i want to buy

- I hate how my mind switches back and forth

- For a few hours i get self concious of my cuts and i wonder why i ever did it in the first place, then for a few hours all i want to do is cut or talk to my friend about it which i'm sure freaks her out if shes not just plain annoyed from listening to me

- I've been eating a shitload of food lately

Good:

- I figured out a way to weigh myself: wii fit (and in the past it's been pretty accurate)

- I only weighed 102 this morning

- No one will be home tomorrow morning so i can check again

- I only have one more week of being grounded

- I can only wear size 00/24 jeans right now. That means 00 in juniors/american sizes and a 24 in designer/european sizing

- Besides the reopenings on my leg i've refrained from cutting in obvious places

Honestly, i'm just really happy i have a way i can weigh myself. I was going crazy while not knowing. Now, i can weigh myself every morning ! That just means i have to stop eating so goddamn much. I guess i'm not doing too bad though if i still weigh 102. I've pretty much still always been under 1000, but it's not really that close to the 400-600 calories i used to restrict myself to. Everything's just a lot harder when you're being monitored. Oh well. Life will go on and hopefully in that time i will read more amazing books and get a lot more thin and ditch my stupid therapist =]

Thirtyfour.

Another Realization:

I don't exactly know why any of this started. I search through novels about EDs, cutting, suicide, and abuse to try and find some aspects of other people problems that i can relate to. Some emotion or thought that i think i should have felt. This is because i don't know how to feel, so i can't decipher what brought my problems upon me. I never could realize when things started to go wrong....

-Stressful day kind of

- Cracked my toe? idk some sort of bone issue.

- Rehurt my ankle

- Didn't cut today... yet

- Ate a couple unnecessary things =[

- But i'm starting to reshape my eating habits =]

(it's really hard when your eating is being monitored and you have to eating proteins and other regular foods. I have to find regular foods that i can eat that aren't too bad, and its roving to be difficult)

- I don't think my body will be able to move when i wake up in the morning

- I have to wake up early to finish homework.... ew.

Thirtythree.

Today's Realization:

I don't know how to / can't express how i / was never taught to / don't think i can feel.

The only thing i think i can feel is anger. That's at least the only recognizable feeling. I don't say anything when someone is making me mad because -as stated above- i can't express how i feel. Whenever something occurs that doesn't make me angry i don't know what kind of emotion i have because -as stated above- i don't know how and was never taught to feel. I was never taught to express my emotions as a child, so i bottled them not learning what emotions they were. Now under any circumstance when asked how i feel about something, i have no idea what to respond. I don't have labels or words to put with emotions. I don't even know if i actually feel any emotions that can be labeled. Except anger. And fear. I have definitely felt fear before.

-I realized this while sitting on my boat today while reading Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher. It's not about eating disorders or cutting, but i recommend this book very very highly. It is about suicide and not accepting oneself.

-I also don't feel my cutting anymore really. I don't feel the pain in it anymore at least.

-I had a cut-fest today