Sixtyseven.

"You look skinnier every time i see you"

haha not so much

"did you eat for the get fat weekend?"

i did a lot

"Well it looks like you didn't eat anything"

Sixtysix.

99 this morning but i didn't enjoy it. I've been tired and depressed all day. I've had no energy and i've been sleepy. I also don't look 99 pounds which is most of the reason why i didnt enjoy it. I honestly look like i weigh 105. at least. not 99. I have no idea how it hapened either. I haven't been eating that well to be honest. Only yesterday i ate decently but not anything to be proud of.

I can't really be proud of any eating day anymore. I count calories in my head for most of what i eat, but its not anywhere near when i ate a max of 400 or 600 a day. I've had about 500 already and i still need to have dinner. It's not that i eat that much its just that i have to eat every meal or else i get force fed so even though i pick pretty healthy things, i still have to eat the whole meal. Sucks.

Cuts are healing and apparently i'm losing weight so right on.

-SW

Sixtyfive.

I need help.

in more ways than one.

Sixtyfour.

Well.... I have a whole list of goods and bads about right now. Let's start with the bad so we can end with the good.

BAD:

- I look adipose

- I'm pretty sure i weigh 103

- I look disgusting

- I ate a bunch of fast food recently

- I look revolting

- I have no self control

- I look repulsive

- I eat horribly when my grandparents are here

- I look obese

- My grandparents will be here all week

- I don't get any of the clothes i just bought

- I look absolutely disgusting

- I was thinking about how gross my stomach looked while hooking up with my boyfriend

- I look repugnant

- My mom is going to start making me drink protein powder

- I look gargantuan

- I lost my slippers

- I look vile

- My teeth have moved

- I look corpulent

- My stomach is visibly larger

- I look hideous

GOOD:

- I went shopping today

- I got XS's

- All my jeans are kids 16 slim

- I tried on kids 16 regular and they were too big

- I got the new Hello Bombshell bra from Victoria's Secret

- My parents are gone all week

- It's still cold and i can still wear long sleeves everyday

- Got my hair cut

Clearly there are more bads than goods. That just explains my life. Fuck.... i'm fat and my life sucks

Sixtythree.

So as for going out to breakfast, i had a cheese omelette and fresh fruit which was good. We also didnt eat lunch together. Big plus. I thought so at least until today when i saw that i still looked disgusting. Good throughout the day and then i got home. EPIC FAIL. Huge thing of beans with cheese. plus a 60 calorie pudding, a handful of pretzels, 2 graham crackers, a homemade chai tea, and a package of blueberries. I can't believe i let myself do this. I wasn't even hungry. I just ate because i could. ugh. It's so frustrating. i do well during the day then i come home and i pig out. It happens everyday and it needs to stop. Because right now with my huge weight plus being bloated, i look like a huge bean bag chair.

Sixtytwo.

Today can't be good. Being with my boyfriend is bad news when it comes to eating. We're going out to breakfast today (kill me now) and the only semi good thing i can get is a cheese omelette. I also know that once i get there i'm going to be tempted to order the french toast or the belgian waffle or the banana nut pancakes. Then i'm staying with him until the late afternoon. Which will probably mean lunch at his house or something.

I better work this off at dance and gymnastics tonight and then starve tomorrow and friday or else something bad is gunna happen.

Oh yeah and i'm bloated beyond disgustingness right now.

Sixtyone.

Everything still sucks.

1. i'm consuming food like its oxygen

2. bloated cuz i'm supposed to be on my period

3. wrist still hurts

4. still have no self control

5. i feel like i'm gaining

(but i'm too embarrassed to weigh myself)

6. I've been eating really bad foods

The only thing keeping me going is that fact that i still fit in my childrens size 16 slim jeans.

And that its been cold enough to wear long sleeves so no ones seen my cuts.

I really need to pull it together. Not only because i'm a fat cow right now, but because i'm going shopping on saturday and i need to fit into small clothes. fuck me now. I gotta get my shit together. I'm blowing up.

Sixty.

Sorry i haven't posted in a while.

My life has been falling apart.

-Ankle and wrist injured

-up to 103

-no self control anymore

-i started cutting again

-i look disgusting at 103

Everything has just been spinning and i couldn't bring myself to share my ridiculous failures in front of you all when you're doing well.

Literally the only good thing is that i've been vegetarian for a month now.

My whole situation just sucks.

-SW