Thirtythree.

Today's Realization:

I don't know how to / can't express how i / was never taught to / don't think i can feel.

The only thing i think i can feel is anger. That's at least the only recognizable feeling. I don't say anything when someone is making me mad because -as stated above- i can't express how i feel. Whenever something occurs that doesn't make me angry i don't know what kind of emotion i have because -as stated above- i don't know how and was never taught to feel. I was never taught to express my emotions as a child, so i bottled them not learning what emotions they were. Now under any circumstance when asked how i feel about something, i have no idea what to respond. I don't have labels or words to put with emotions. I don't even know if i actually feel any emotions that can be labeled. Except anger. And fear. I have definitely felt fear before.

-I realized this while sitting on my boat today while reading Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher. It's not about eating disorders or cutting, but i recommend this book very very highly. It is about suicide and not accepting oneself.

-I also don't feel my cutting anymore really. I don't feel the pain in it anymore at least.

-I had a cut-fest today