Thirtysix.

I always looked in through your glasses

But all I could see

Is the specter of me reflected

The empty shell of me

What could you possibly love in me?

Is it the way I wear my smile

It hangs from the tip of my tongue you see

Oh this might take awhile...

Why is it that this song plays in my head so frequently? People tell me all day that they love me and are worried for me. Why do i constantly push their words aside. I rarely rest upon them to ease my mind. Most of the time those words sit silently in the back corners of my mind sparsely making an appearance in my trains of thought.

Why is it that i want all of this? Why can i not stray away from SI? Why do i always return to Ana? What about her voice draws me in every time? Why have i come crawling back for almost four years now? Why do i enjoy reading other peoples stories? Why do i like watching other peoples stories? Why do i participate in the stories my friends are creating in their own lives about ana or SI? Why would i want to support them in such a destructive path? Maybe because i don't want off the path myself? Is all of this worth it? Should i continue? (well i can't stop) Why do i insist upon secretly continuing this lifestyle behind the backs of everyone that i love? How can i consciously choose to hurt the people i love most? How can i go against the people i depend on? What would i do if they decided to leave me? Am i already all alone? Or am i just alone in my mind? Why did i stray from so many people? Why have i closed myself off from the people who are still in my life(thank god for them)? Why do i continue with all of this if i can't explain why i do it? Is it a legitimate addiction? Why hasn't my therapist helped? Is it because i have set my mind to the fact that i don't want help at all? Why the hell did i tell someone besides KT and MD about this in the first place?Why am i so full of regret for that? Is it because i immediately changed my mind? Why is school not my main focus? Why is dance not consuming more of my thoughts?What made me pick up that knife for the first time? What went through my mind before it touched my skin? How did i become obsessed with all of this? Why did i begin to hate my body? Why did i begin to hate myself? Why have i never planned to kill myself if i hate myself so much? Why have i never planned my suicide if i am so depressed? Why am i so depressed in the first place? Why did all of this happen to me?

My answer:

I don't know.