101.3
Lost the about 3 pounds i gained over the weekend.
I know it's completely my fault, but i'm still glad i was able to lose it.
Hopefully this weekend i won't put it back on.
I'll try.
xo
-SW
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Ninetysix.
*Me in the kitchen stirfrying vegetables*
*Mom walks in and peers over the pan*
Me: "What?"
Mom: "Just seeing what you are making?"
Me: "ok..."
*Mom still hangs around*
Can you please go away now?
Mom: "You should put some cheese on that. You're not getting enough calcium."
Me: "Ok."
Mom: "You need to eat more dairy. You don't eat enough from what i can see."
Me:"ok"
you can leave any time. I've heard this shpeel like 100 times.
*a few seconds go by*
Mom: "What do you eat that has calcium?"
Me: "I have cereal in the morning."
with no milk. but you don't need to know that =]
Mom: "Ok, so that's about 25% of your daily calcium. What else?"
Me: "I don't know.."
Mom: "Ok, so that's not enough. You should put some cheese on that or eat a yogurt or something"
*a few moments pass*
Mom: "Ok?"
Me: "ok."
*a few more seconds pass*
Mom: "What if we try that frying cheese?"
Me: "Ew"
Mom: "What?"
Me: "That sounds disgusting"
Mom: "It's just like grilled cheese. You like grilled cheese don't you?"
a couple seconds pass and then i slowly nod my head
Mom: "So it's just like grilled cheese. I don't see why that sounds so disgusting."
Me: "Ok."
*Mom peers over at the pan again*
Mom: "You should put some cheese on that"
Me: "ok."
THANK GOD! she finally left the room !
Do you see how annoying this is? I clearly don't want to talk about it. Something about talking about how i eat makes me really pissed off every time. Yet she brings it up at least every other day. I can't stand it.
Other news: I was good on monday and really good on tuesday until the epic fail that was wednesday. Today i'm doing better though. Not fantastic but a lot less than yesterday so thats good. However, i burn less today than i do on wednesdays. I only have 2 hours of dance. that only burns 4-500 calories.
I honestly don't think that i will be a reasonable weight by tomorrow. We'll just have to wait and see how poorly i've been treating my body.
I hope everyone is better than me
-SW
*Mom walks in and peers over the pan*
Me: "What?"
Mom: "Just seeing what you are making?"
Me: "ok..."
*Mom still hangs around*
Can you please go away now?
Mom: "You should put some cheese on that. You're not getting enough calcium."
Me: "Ok."
Mom: "You need to eat more dairy. You don't eat enough from what i can see."
Me:"ok"
you can leave any time. I've heard this shpeel like 100 times.
*a few seconds go by*
Mom: "What do you eat that has calcium?"
Me: "I have cereal in the morning."
with no milk. but you don't need to know that =]
Mom: "Ok, so that's about 25% of your daily calcium. What else?"
Me: "I don't know.."
Mom: "Ok, so that's not enough. You should put some cheese on that or eat a yogurt or something"
*a few moments pass*
Mom: "Ok?"
Me: "ok."
*a few more seconds pass*
Mom: "What if we try that frying cheese?"
Me: "Ew"
Mom: "What?"
Me: "That sounds disgusting"
Mom: "It's just like grilled cheese. You like grilled cheese don't you?"
a couple seconds pass and then i slowly nod my head
Mom: "So it's just like grilled cheese. I don't see why that sounds so disgusting."
Me: "Ok."
*Mom peers over at the pan again*
Mom: "You should put some cheese on that"
Me: "ok."
THANK GOD! she finally left the room !
Do you see how annoying this is? I clearly don't want to talk about it. Something about talking about how i eat makes me really pissed off every time. Yet she brings it up at least every other day. I can't stand it.
Other news: I was good on monday and really good on tuesday until the epic fail that was wednesday. Today i'm doing better though. Not fantastic but a lot less than yesterday so thats good. However, i burn less today than i do on wednesdays. I only have 2 hours of dance. that only burns 4-500 calories.
I honestly don't think that i will be a reasonable weight by tomorrow. We'll just have to wait and see how poorly i've been treating my body.
I hope everyone is better than me
-SW
Friday, January 22, 2010
Ninetyfive.
So i didn't post all week because i gained a massive amount of weight over the weekend (monday included). However, in three days i managed to get it all off. Literally 0.1 pound away from being in the 100 range. Then i broke down.
See, I have finals at school this week and we get out at 11:50 in the morning. So i come home right after school to escape the rain and put on warm clothes. The down side of being home at noon? All you do is eat. All my friends leave school and go to in n out or panda express or some other fast food and i go home thinking i'll be better than them but i definitely wasn't today. I mean i'm sure that the burger they consumed has more than 812 calories and it took them 5 minutes to eat it when it took me 2 hours to eat that much. See, vegan things down have that many calories because you eat fruits and veggies all the time, except that now i always crave carbs. So of course i went back to my downfall of cereal. 110 calories per serving. That is where about half of those calories came from. And the sad part is that i know i'm not going to burn it off. I only have an hour of dance which burns about 220 calories and i know the bf is going to make me eat dinner with him. FML.
I know next week will be better. I will try not to weigh myself until next friday. That's seven days without knowing how much i weigh, but i can do it. I'm not going to weigh myself tomorrow and fret about all the weight i know i've gained from my 812 calories binge. (please don't judge me for that repulsive number of calories. I really didn't even want to share it all because it's so embarrassing) I'm just going to get through tomorrow. I'm taking the SAT for the first time and then i'm going to a dance rehearsal. At least the test will keep me away from food and the rehearsal will help me burn calories. I need to push the idea of my weight out of my head or else i'll end up with a knife to my skin.
Oh and minor detail. I found the food journal i kept when i was in 8th grade where i wrote down what i ate, how many calories, how much i weighed, and whether or not i pooped that day. I've taken to using it again. And i'm writing the same information that i wrote back then. It makes me realize how much i've eaten which i really need right now.
I desperately hope that you all are doing much better than I.
xo
-SW
See, I have finals at school this week and we get out at 11:50 in the morning. So i come home right after school to escape the rain and put on warm clothes. The down side of being home at noon? All you do is eat. All my friends leave school and go to in n out or panda express or some other fast food and i go home thinking i'll be better than them but i definitely wasn't today. I mean i'm sure that the burger they consumed has more than 812 calories and it took them 5 minutes to eat it when it took me 2 hours to eat that much. See, vegan things down have that many calories because you eat fruits and veggies all the time, except that now i always crave carbs. So of course i went back to my downfall of cereal. 110 calories per serving. That is where about half of those calories came from. And the sad part is that i know i'm not going to burn it off. I only have an hour of dance which burns about 220 calories and i know the bf is going to make me eat dinner with him. FML.
I know next week will be better. I will try not to weigh myself until next friday. That's seven days without knowing how much i weigh, but i can do it. I'm not going to weigh myself tomorrow and fret about all the weight i know i've gained from my 812 calories binge. (please don't judge me for that repulsive number of calories. I really didn't even want to share it all because it's so embarrassing) I'm just going to get through tomorrow. I'm taking the SAT for the first time and then i'm going to a dance rehearsal. At least the test will keep me away from food and the rehearsal will help me burn calories. I need to push the idea of my weight out of my head or else i'll end up with a knife to my skin.
Oh and minor detail. I found the food journal i kept when i was in 8th grade where i wrote down what i ate, how many calories, how much i weighed, and whether or not i pooped that day. I've taken to using it again. And i'm writing the same information that i wrote back then. It makes me realize how much i've eaten which i really need right now.
I desperately hope that you all are doing much better than I.
xo
-SW
Monday, January 18, 2010
Ninetyfour.
Well that was an epic fail of a day. Binge much?
At least it was vegan i guess.....
oh and suicidal thoughts have trickled my way again. Maybe its because i'm so fucking fat.
I'm pushing them away though...
At least it was vegan i guess.....
oh and suicidal thoughts have trickled my way again. Maybe its because i'm so fucking fat.
I'm pushing them away though...
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Ninetyone.
So i went to this mansion to meet and take pictures before senior ball. The ENTIRE dining room table was ABSOLUTELY COVERED in food and i stayed completely vegan. I'm talking tacone rolls, homemade mac and cheese, jersey mike's, sushi, chinese food, brownies, cookies spinach dip, ceasar salad, honeybaked ham, chips, bread, cheese, pigs in a blanket, plain salad, fruit, bean dip, and probably about 6 other things. Then we went to senior ball and there was a dessert/ice cream bar. Cheesecakes, chocolate cakes, ice cream, m &ms, chocolate frozen yogurt, whipped cream, nuts, cherries, strawberries, mini cakes, and a bunch of other little mini dessert things.
Guess what i ate all night? Fruit, plain salad, and regular chips at the house. Strawberries, cherries, and plain nuts at the ball. Granted i had like 3 plates of fruit at that house and i was stuffed, i needed to keep the illusion that i was eating everything there. Mostly since my bf (who ONCE AGAIN forgot i'm even a vegetarian) was telling me that if i didn't eat he was going to force feed a tacone wrap down my throat. (and that has meat in it) So i obliged. but barely.
I followed all that up with about 2 hours worth of dancing maybe 2 1/2 since we were only there for like 3 1/2.
I definitely felt disgusting, but i thought since by the end of the night when my dress was falling off of me again i had burned off about what i ate. I might have except umm......
well. let's just say that throughout the day (before i left the house/when i got home/this morning/for lunch) i have said good bye to 100 pounds and hello to vegan brownies.
I know what your thinking. I don't want to read anymore about this girl, she has no self control, she's gunna be fat, and she will never be an inspiration to anybody. However i gave about 1/2 the tray to my friend "for letting me borrow your shoes" and about 1/4 of it to my boyfriend "because i think you're good looking." So there's not that much left and i figured that since
The only things i asked my dad for from the grocery store were: broccoli, red bell pepper, orange bell pepper, zucchini, apples, and no more yogurt
that if i eat the final fourth of them this weekend (as in for breakfast and lunch today) then by the time tuesday rolls around since we don't have school monday that if i can stay in control tonight, tomorrow, and monday that i'll be back on track. I need them out of the house and my dad didn't really like them and i think they're so good. They're bad but they're not horrible in the way of calories. Really all the calories in it are from the vegetable oil, and i gave most of the brownies away.
We'll see how this week goes. I'll weigh myself next time i have the opportunity to do so. Probably tuesday.
Stay Stronger Than Me xo
-SW
Guess what i ate all night? Fruit, plain salad, and regular chips at the house. Strawberries, cherries, and plain nuts at the ball. Granted i had like 3 plates of fruit at that house and i was stuffed, i needed to keep the illusion that i was eating everything there. Mostly since my bf (who ONCE AGAIN forgot i'm even a vegetarian) was telling me that if i didn't eat he was going to force feed a tacone wrap down my throat. (and that has meat in it) So i obliged. but barely.
I followed all that up with about 2 hours worth of dancing maybe 2 1/2 since we were only there for like 3 1/2.
I definitely felt disgusting, but i thought since by the end of the night when my dress was falling off of me again i had burned off about what i ate. I might have except umm......
well. let's just say that throughout the day (before i left the house/when i got home/this morning/for lunch) i have said good bye to 100 pounds and hello to vegan brownies.
I know what your thinking. I don't want to read anymore about this girl, she has no self control, she's gunna be fat, and she will never be an inspiration to anybody. However i gave about 1/2 the tray to my friend "for letting me borrow your shoes" and about 1/4 of it to my boyfriend "because i think you're good looking." So there's not that much left and i figured that since
The only things i asked my dad for from the grocery store were: broccoli, red bell pepper, orange bell pepper, zucchini, apples, and no more yogurt
that if i eat the final fourth of them this weekend (as in for breakfast and lunch today) then by the time tuesday rolls around since we don't have school monday that if i can stay in control tonight, tomorrow, and monday that i'll be back on track. I need them out of the house and my dad didn't really like them and i think they're so good. They're bad but they're not horrible in the way of calories. Really all the calories in it are from the vegetable oil, and i gave most of the brownies away.
We'll see how this week goes. I'll weigh myself next time i have the opportunity to do so. Probably tuesday.
Stay Stronger Than Me xo
-SW
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Ninety.
I kind of have a lot to post about. I know it's only been 2 days, but quite a few things have happened.
So after being a vegetarian for almost 6 months i want to be vegan. The only catch is that i know my mom won't let me. My plan is to be vegan without her knowing on all the days that i don't eat with her, and only eat dairy during dinner on mondays if what she chooses to make has dairy in it. However, i'm going to try and suggest dinners to her that don't have dairy in them like soups and salads or chili or even leftovers because then i can eat whatever i want. I have managed to stay vegan for 2 whole days now (today is the third day) but i'm worried about tonight. Tonight is senior ball and a bunch of us are eating at someone's house, so i don't know what kind of food is going to be there and if there will even be anything for me to eat. If every main dish has meat i can just say i'm vegetarian because people already know that i am, but i don't know saying you're vegan after 2 days would be kind of sketchy to my boyfriend who last night said "you feel so small, have you been eating?", so i don't know if i want to risk it.
That brings me to the next thing. My eating habits. Thursday was really healthy, but i still gained weight and i was up to about 102. Friday i thought i did pretty bad. Luckily, even if i binge in my house, a vegan binge is still pretty healthy. I started the day out fine. 100 calories of cereal with water for breakfast, (i know that sounds weird, but i met someone who was lactose intolerant who did that so i tried it and it's totally fine) 35 calories of carrots for a snack, and then 60 calories of apple for snack. Then i got a maybe 200 calorie drink at lunch. I know bad choice. Even worse though was that as soon as i got home i couldn't control myself. I had a big bowl of blueberry Special K, kettle corn, lentils, 2 forks of natural peanut butter, and like 10-12 ritz with peanut butter. I was pissed and disgusted with myself for eating so much, but i was pissed enough to not eat dinner.
I guess not eating dinner worked out for me since i've eaten some blueberries and strawberries this morning and then i weighed myself and i was 100.5. 100 was my first goal weight =] Who knows whether i can stay at this weight or not considering i've been to 100 and back up multiple times, but i really want to stay down this time. I want to try to get to 97. I don't know why that number sounds so good to me, but it always has.
In other news, (the most important news) the boyfriend found out about my cutting again. He says he's worried but not mad, however i think he's a little bit mad. The worst part is that i don't even know how to explain myself.
Me: "It's like the first time in about 6 months and i did it two weeks ago"
Him: "Well how can i trust you to not do it when we fight because you said thats the way you deal with stress"
Me: "Because i didn't do it when we were fighting. I did it before."
Him:"But you still told me you would tell me when you did it and you didn't"
Me: "But i didn't lie about it. When you asked i told you the truth"
Him: "Yeah but i shouldn't have to ask. You told me you would tell me when you did it"
Me: "Why would i do that? why would i want to make you worry about it?"
Him: "Why are you acting like this isn't a big deal?"
Me: "It's not a big deal to me"
Him: "Cutting yourself with knives for punishment and to relieve stress is a big deal! So if i told your parents right now they wouldn't care"
Me: "Of course they would care. It's a big deal to other people, it's just not a big deal to me. if i went crazy with it then it would be a big deal to me, but i did it once so it's not"
You can see how that conversation went. I was pissed off when i left because he was kind of yelling at me and i had to leave to be home on time so that i wouldn't get in trouble. I also didn't want to talk about it. I don't really see what there is to talk about. I did it a few weeks ago. It's over. i haven't done it again. and that's basically the first time i've done it in months. end of story. but then when i got home (five minutes late) he sent me this nice text about how he's not mad, he's just worried because he wants me stop and that he loves me. I don't even know what to say to him about now.
Any suggestions on what to say to your boyfriend in my situation would be more than welcome. Other than that, I'm very sorry that this post was so long. I'll try to update more frequently if i'm doing well so that they aren't as long in the future.
love you all. hope you're doing better than me.
Stay Strong xo
-SW
So after being a vegetarian for almost 6 months i want to be vegan. The only catch is that i know my mom won't let me. My plan is to be vegan without her knowing on all the days that i don't eat with her, and only eat dairy during dinner on mondays if what she chooses to make has dairy in it. However, i'm going to try and suggest dinners to her that don't have dairy in them like soups and salads or chili or even leftovers because then i can eat whatever i want. I have managed to stay vegan for 2 whole days now (today is the third day) but i'm worried about tonight. Tonight is senior ball and a bunch of us are eating at someone's house, so i don't know what kind of food is going to be there and if there will even be anything for me to eat. If every main dish has meat i can just say i'm vegetarian because people already know that i am, but i don't know saying you're vegan after 2 days would be kind of sketchy to my boyfriend who last night said "you feel so small, have you been eating?", so i don't know if i want to risk it.
That brings me to the next thing. My eating habits. Thursday was really healthy, but i still gained weight and i was up to about 102. Friday i thought i did pretty bad. Luckily, even if i binge in my house, a vegan binge is still pretty healthy. I started the day out fine. 100 calories of cereal with water for breakfast, (i know that sounds weird, but i met someone who was lactose intolerant who did that so i tried it and it's totally fine) 35 calories of carrots for a snack, and then 60 calories of apple for snack. Then i got a maybe 200 calorie drink at lunch. I know bad choice. Even worse though was that as soon as i got home i couldn't control myself. I had a big bowl of blueberry Special K, kettle corn, lentils, 2 forks of natural peanut butter, and like 10-12 ritz with peanut butter. I was pissed and disgusted with myself for eating so much, but i was pissed enough to not eat dinner.
I guess not eating dinner worked out for me since i've eaten some blueberries and strawberries this morning and then i weighed myself and i was 100.5. 100 was my first goal weight =] Who knows whether i can stay at this weight or not considering i've been to 100 and back up multiple times, but i really want to stay down this time. I want to try to get to 97. I don't know why that number sounds so good to me, but it always has.
In other news, (the most important news) the boyfriend found out about my cutting again. He says he's worried but not mad, however i think he's a little bit mad. The worst part is that i don't even know how to explain myself.
Me: "It's like the first time in about 6 months and i did it two weeks ago"
Him: "Well how can i trust you to not do it when we fight because you said thats the way you deal with stress"
Me: "Because i didn't do it when we were fighting. I did it before."
Him:"But you still told me you would tell me when you did it and you didn't"
Me: "But i didn't lie about it. When you asked i told you the truth"
Him: "Yeah but i shouldn't have to ask. You told me you would tell me when you did it"
Me: "Why would i do that? why would i want to make you worry about it?"
Him: "Why are you acting like this isn't a big deal?"
Me: "It's not a big deal to me"
Him: "Cutting yourself with knives for punishment and to relieve stress is a big deal! So if i told your parents right now they wouldn't care"
Me: "Of course they would care. It's a big deal to other people, it's just not a big deal to me. if i went crazy with it then it would be a big deal to me, but i did it once so it's not"
You can see how that conversation went. I was pissed off when i left because he was kind of yelling at me and i had to leave to be home on time so that i wouldn't get in trouble. I also didn't want to talk about it. I don't really see what there is to talk about. I did it a few weeks ago. It's over. i haven't done it again. and that's basically the first time i've done it in months. end of story. but then when i got home (five minutes late) he sent me this nice text about how he's not mad, he's just worried because he wants me stop and that he loves me. I don't even know what to say to him about now.
Any suggestions on what to say to your boyfriend in my situation would be more than welcome. Other than that, I'm very sorry that this post was so long. I'll try to update more frequently if i'm doing well so that they aren't as long in the future.
love you all. hope you're doing better than me.
Stay Strong xo
-SW
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Eightynine.
After reading lulu's post about the movie "Earthling" i decided to watch it. Now i've seen videos such as "meet your meat" and the documentary "Food, Inc." which made me glad i was a vegetarian, but this movie made me cringe so many times. I also cried while watching it. You can easily find it on Google videos here.
I think all of you should take the time to watch this video. I'm pretty sure it has the power to turn vegetarians vegan and meat eaters at least to vegetarians. I promise you it's not a waste of your time.
I think all of you should take the time to watch this video. I'm pretty sure it has the power to turn vegetarians vegan and meat eaters at least to vegetarians. I promise you it's not a waste of your time.
Eightyeight.
It's raining and i have to give my 3 and a half minute spanish speech today by memory ! i'm so nervous, but sticking mostly to my plan yesterday helped immensely.
I went from about 104.7 to 101 exactly ! i lost three pounds in a day and it's slightly visible.
Not much, but when you're as critical as me you notice.
I'm going to try to stick to the same plan today and i have 2 hours of dance and gymnastics tonight which should burn it all off. I don't think i will be loosing 3 pounds again by tomorrow, but if i lose 1 i'll be back to 100 pounds again which i want sooo badly.
And 30 followers? Thank you all so much for listening to me rant mostly about my failures and depressing days. I know i get strength from some of the people i follow, but i would never think that i could help someone else. And for those of you who comment, i appreciate it so much. I login as frequently as i can to update everyone, get things off my chest, but most of all to see what you have to say, so thank you<3
Stay Strong xo
SW
I went from about 104.7 to 101 exactly ! i lost three pounds in a day and it's slightly visible.
Not much, but when you're as critical as me you notice.
I'm going to try to stick to the same plan today and i have 2 hours of dance and gymnastics tonight which should burn it all off. I don't think i will be loosing 3 pounds again by tomorrow, but if i lose 1 i'll be back to 100 pounds again which i want sooo badly.
And 30 followers? Thank you all so much for listening to me rant mostly about my failures and depressing days. I know i get strength from some of the people i follow, but i would never think that i could help someone else. And for those of you who comment, i appreciate it so much. I login as frequently as i can to update everyone, get things off my chest, but most of all to see what you have to say, so thank you<3
Stay Strong xo
SW
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Eightyseven.
Well, its the end of the section of my day where i can eat and i stuck to my plan for the most part. I still couldn't resist the fucking chocolate and i had 4 tortilla chips but thats it.
Off to burn about 1200 calories dancing.
If i'm not closer to 104 tomorrow than i was this morning, shit is going to hit the fan. If i'm not I don't think i'll be able to keep a knife off my skin.
Off to burn about 1200 calories dancing.
If i'm not closer to 104 tomorrow than i was this morning, shit is going to hit the fan. If i'm not I don't think i'll be able to keep a knife off my skin.
Eightysix.
Holy fuck. what the hell is going on with my life right now?
Super stressed, more homework than i've ever had in my life, but those are not even the worst parts.
Why can i not resist chocolate? I didn't binge or anything i had like 30 m&ms but still. i resisted a ton of sweets yesterday, but i couldn't resist the chocolate. Hopefully today will be a different story.
Oh yeah and what the fuck. i finally didn't eat lunch for the first time in a week, or breakfast for that matter, and i gained a pound. SERIOUSLY?! I haven't weighed myself in four days, so i hope to dear fucking christ thats it's a combination of the past four days because i know i was bad over the weekend.
As for today i plan to have:
yogurt - 75
Zucchini - 2
Apple - 60
Popcorn - 30
total = 167
Hopefully that will work. I can get out of lunch again i'm pretty sure, and i have a photo shoot after school so i can't go home and eat. I also have no money to buy any food today anyways. That always puts a damper on things. I should probably only be home for about an hour before i leave for dance and then i get home just in time to go to bed.
Let's see how today works out and lets hope that i don't gain another fucking pound because i'm becoming obviously heavier and i really don't want other people to start commenting on it.
Super stressed, more homework than i've ever had in my life, but those are not even the worst parts.
Why can i not resist chocolate? I didn't binge or anything i had like 30 m&ms but still. i resisted a ton of sweets yesterday, but i couldn't resist the chocolate. Hopefully today will be a different story.
Oh yeah and what the fuck. i finally didn't eat lunch for the first time in a week, or breakfast for that matter, and i gained a pound. SERIOUSLY?! I haven't weighed myself in four days, so i hope to dear fucking christ thats it's a combination of the past four days because i know i was bad over the weekend.
As for today i plan to have:
yogurt - 75
Zucchini - 2
Apple - 60
Popcorn - 30
total = 167
Hopefully that will work. I can get out of lunch again i'm pretty sure, and i have a photo shoot after school so i can't go home and eat. I also have no money to buy any food today anyways. That always puts a damper on things. I should probably only be home for about an hour before i leave for dance and then i get home just in time to go to bed.
Let's see how today works out and lets hope that i don't gain another fucking pound because i'm becoming obviously heavier and i really don't want other people to start commenting on it.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Eightyfive.
Not much major has happened the past two days except an epic fail of myself. Was good all day saturday until i went to my friend's birthday party. Absolutely horrible. I can't believe i consumed that much. Then today started out fine until there was pizza ordered by my friend's mom and communal cookies followed by a dinner of a bunch of leftovers. As in a veggie "chicken" patty, broccoli with cheese, and potato and squash a gratin.
School tomorrow. Maybe i'll try to just eat some raw squash. (It tastes like pumpkin) considering i have to eat dinner with my family tomorrow. Ew. family dinner mondays, sundays, and occasionally fridays. And then i'm usually out for dinner with the bf on saturdays. I only skip dinner 3 days a week. I wish i could change that.
*sigh* so many things i wish i could change about myself and my life. The only good things that have happened recently are that i nailed a turns combo on pointe for the first time ever and the back of my door now has a huge poster of johnny depp as jack sparrow. Hopefully more good things to come, but that all depends on me and i'm not one to count on. Oh damn. I guess that means everything is just going to get worse. I need to learn how to take control of my life and my body or else shit is going to hit the fan.
Got to go finish my homework and the spanish final that's due wednesday that i've barely started. (see what i mean about taking control of my life?)
-SW
School tomorrow. Maybe i'll try to just eat some raw squash. (It tastes like pumpkin) considering i have to eat dinner with my family tomorrow. Ew. family dinner mondays, sundays, and occasionally fridays. And then i'm usually out for dinner with the bf on saturdays. I only skip dinner 3 days a week. I wish i could change that.
*sigh* so many things i wish i could change about myself and my life. The only good things that have happened recently are that i nailed a turns combo on pointe for the first time ever and the back of my door now has a huge poster of johnny depp as jack sparrow. Hopefully more good things to come, but that all depends on me and i'm not one to count on. Oh damn. I guess that means everything is just going to get worse. I need to learn how to take control of my life and my body or else shit is going to hit the fan.
Got to go finish my homework and the spanish final that's due wednesday that i've barely started. (see what i mean about taking control of my life?)
-SW
Friday, January 8, 2010
Eightyfour.
I don't even know what to explain. My boyfriend just pissed me off twice tonight. I was only with him for 3 hours though so i guess thats good. Didn't get too stressed out. However it's a good thing there were no sharp objects around after our conversation on the phone before i left the house or else i would have a few more scratches. That's how pissed i was. ugh.
everything is just going to shit.
- cutting
- gaining weight
- fighting with the bf
- lots of homework
- SAT this month
- really depressed
- really tired
ALL THE TIME / IN EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS
New things to strive for:
- No cutting until after the dance convention/competition
- i need to be 85 pounds to have a BMI of 15 and be considered emaciated.
everything is just going to shit.
- cutting
- gaining weight
- fighting with the bf
- lots of homework
- SAT this month
- really depressed
- really tired
ALL THE TIME / IN EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS
New things to strive for:
- No cutting until after the dance convention/competition
- i need to be 85 pounds to have a BMI of 15 and be considered emaciated.
Eightytwo.
Still alive...... but everything still sucks.
I've gone to great lengths to make sure that i wear long sleeves everyday. More and more cuts.
I've started to avoid mirrors and other people. More and more weight.
I've gone to great lengths to make sure that i wear long sleeves everyday. More and more cuts.
I've started to avoid mirrors and other people. More and more weight.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Eightyone.
I don't think i have ever been this depressed in my life. i seriously considered asking my mom if i could go on medication, but then i know she would ask to see my arms and i can't let her do that right now. not everything is healed.....
**edit** and i've actually looked up how to effectively commit suicide by means of cutting
**edit** and i've actually looked up how to effectively commit suicide by means of cutting
Friday, January 1, 2010
Eighty.
FUCK.
so much eating and so much drinking led to so much gaining which led to so much cutting.
I can already tell i'm going to wake up multiple pounds heavier tomorrow.
Let's break the "ice" for the new year. I already got the knife.
oh yeah. happy fuckin new years.
so much eating and so much drinking led to so much gaining which led to so much cutting.
I can already tell i'm going to wake up multiple pounds heavier tomorrow.
Let's break the "ice" for the new year. I already got the knife.
oh yeah. happy fuckin new years.
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