Taking vitamins b6 and b12 speed up your metabolism.
You will poop even if you haven't eaten a lot. Fabulous stuff here. And it's good for you! you have to have it anyways. It's not like a laxative which takes all the water out of your body and all you lose is water weight. Your body can also become addicted to laxatives and you will end up unable to poop without taking them. That's just bad news.
TRY VITAMINS!! so good =]
xoxoSW
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
OneThirtyone.
Good progress right now =]
Tumblr is keeping me inspired. Plus i knew i was going shopping and i didn't want to buy huge sized clothes so i tried to lose some for that and then i said i would participate in NO BINGE NOVEMBER.
Its a fantastic idea and you should do it! Just because the holiday season is approaching doesn't mean you have to be bad. If you're going to eat the couple cookies, make that your breakfast and lunch.
As for me, i'm decently depressed again but im down in the 106 range for the first time since like march or earlier which is great. I'm cold all the time and i'm starting to love it. I've also become a fan of chewing and spitting because for some reason my body will convince itself that its eaten and my hunger disappears. Which it shouldn't because i don't ever swallow and i rinse my mouth out with water multiple times after. But whatever, i will definitely take it. No complaining here!
Thats about it
xoxoSW
Tumblr is keeping me inspired. Plus i knew i was going shopping and i didn't want to buy huge sized clothes so i tried to lose some for that and then i said i would participate in NO BINGE NOVEMBER.
Its a fantastic idea and you should do it! Just because the holiday season is approaching doesn't mean you have to be bad. If you're going to eat the couple cookies, make that your breakfast and lunch.
As for me, i'm decently depressed again but im down in the 106 range for the first time since like march or earlier which is great. I'm cold all the time and i'm starting to love it. I've also become a fan of chewing and spitting because for some reason my body will convince itself that its eaten and my hunger disappears. Which it shouldn't because i don't ever swallow and i rinse my mouth out with water multiple times after. But whatever, i will definitely take it. No complaining here!
Thats about it
xoxoSW
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
OneTwentyNine.
First i just want to say that i am now addicted to tumblr so follow me =]
But as for my progress: not so hot.
Last week i stayed strong and lost 3 pounds in three days but i gained it back over the weekend. Completely my fault and i hate myself for it. I've lost one of those pounds again the past 2 days but i can tell that this is going to be way harder than before. Not that i didn't already know that. Birth control has made it almost impossible for me to lose weight ever since i started it.
My friend keeps telling me that the birth control itself doesn't make you gain weight, it just increases your appetite. I beg to differ. If i'm only eating an apple, one handful of almonds, and a 35 calorie coffee one day; The same coffee and 30 calories of popcorn the next day; And only tea and water another day; And i'm still not small then it is definitely not my appetite. I'm not even normally very hungry except for the week before my period. So don't believe that it increases your appetite. You just gain weight from it.
Whatever. I'm doing fine this week and i plan to keep trying as much as possible. Except for things like my moms birthday dinner and other such festivities. Although i'm already getting away with only eating a salad =]
Hope all is well
xoSW
But as for my progress: not so hot.
Last week i stayed strong and lost 3 pounds in three days but i gained it back over the weekend. Completely my fault and i hate myself for it. I've lost one of those pounds again the past 2 days but i can tell that this is going to be way harder than before. Not that i didn't already know that. Birth control has made it almost impossible for me to lose weight ever since i started it.
My friend keeps telling me that the birth control itself doesn't make you gain weight, it just increases your appetite. I beg to differ. If i'm only eating an apple, one handful of almonds, and a 35 calorie coffee one day; The same coffee and 30 calories of popcorn the next day; And only tea and water another day; And i'm still not small then it is definitely not my appetite. I'm not even normally very hungry except for the week before my period. So don't believe that it increases your appetite. You just gain weight from it.
Whatever. I'm doing fine this week and i plan to keep trying as much as possible. Except for things like my moms birthday dinner and other such festivities. Although i'm already getting away with only eating a salad =]
Hope all is well
xoSW
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
OneTwentyEight.
Heavy eyelids slowly sink
Our hearts begin to slow,
The pitter-patter of your heart
is now all that I know.
Hands caressing up and down
like an endless sea of comfort,
Its waves are crashing on my back
and I’ll never forget the moment.
We begin to sink into each other
connected heart to heart,
Our breathing becomes intertwined
as if we’ll never part.
I can feel your warm embrace
It paints my face with a smile.
All I want is to be with you
and sit here for a while.
Lying there I feel so safe
completely blocked from harm,
Because right then I know I’m home
sitting in your arms.
I wrote that a year ago for my one year anniversary. I wish life was like this all the time.
Our hearts begin to slow,
The pitter-patter of your heart
is now all that I know.
Hands caressing up and down
like an endless sea of comfort,
Its waves are crashing on my back
and I’ll never forget the moment.
We begin to sink into each other
connected heart to heart,
Our breathing becomes intertwined
as if we’ll never part.
I can feel your warm embrace
It paints my face with a smile.
All I want is to be with you
and sit here for a while.
Lying there I feel so safe
completely blocked from harm,
Because right then I know I’m home
sitting in your arms.
I wrote that a year ago for my one year anniversary. I wish life was like this all the time.
Monday, October 18, 2010
OneTwentySeven.
"I don't know what to say really.
Three minutes, to the biggest battle of our professional lives
all comes down to today.
Either, we heal as a team
or we are going to crumble.
Inch by inch, play by play
till we're finished.
We are in hell right now, gentlemen
believe me. And we can stay here
and get the shit kicked out of us
or
we can fight our way
back into the light.
We can climb out of hell.
One inch, at a time.
Now I can't do it for you.
I'm too old.
I look around and I see these young faces
and I think
I mean
I made every wrong choice a middle age man could make.
I uh....
I pissed away all my money, believe it or not.
I chased off anyone who has ever loved me.
And lately, I can't even stand the face I see in the mirror.
You know when you get old in life
things get taken from you.
That's, that's part of life.
But,
you only learn that when you start losing stuff.
You find out that life is just a game of inches.
So is football.
Because in either game
life or football
the margin for error is so small.
I mean
one half step too late or to early
you don't quite make it.
One half second too slow or too fast
and you don't quite catch it.
The inches we need are everywhere around us.
They are in ever break of the game
every minute, every second.
On this team, we fight for that inch
On this team, we tear ourselves, and everyone around us
to pieces for that inch.
We CLAW with our finger nails for that inch.
Cause we know, when we add up all those inches
that's going to make the fucking difference
between WINNING and LOSING
between LIVING and DYING.
I'll tell you this:
in any fight, it's the guy who is willing to die
who is going to win that inch.
And I know
if I am going to have any life anymore
it is because, I am still willing to fight, and die for that inch
because that is what LIVING is.
The six inches in front of your face.
Now I can't make you do it.
You gotta look at the guy next to you. Look into his eyes.
Now I think you are going to see a guy who will go that inch with you.
You are going to see a guy
who will sacrifice himself for this team
because he knows when it comes down to it,
you are gonna do the same thing for him.
That's a team, gentlemen
and either we heal now, as a team,
or we will die as individuals.
That's football guys.
That's all it is.
Now, whattaya gonna do?"
I never really realized why this speech struck a chord with me until now. This weight loss, these addictions. These are the biggest battles of our lives. They really are. Living through these battles or fighting your way back is going to be the biggest battle of your life. These diseases and addictions usually have us ending up like Al Pacino.
We spend all our money on diet pills or knives or band-aids or huge clothes that cover us up. And although inadvertently, we push away the people who love us. Even when they tell us that our problems won't change anything, there is still some sort of invisible wall between you. You struggled through something that they will never understand and it will never leave you so the wall remains. And well not being able to stand the face you see in the mirror, i believe that that's a daily occurrence for us. That's what drives our lives.
We do start losin' stuff. We lose friends and laughs and good times. We lose pounds and skin and blood. And because of that we usually miss or ignore those inches that could pull us towards the light (whichever direction that may be). And all of us do "claw with our fingernails for that inch." We put ourselves through so much pain and depression for an inch. And we really do "tear ourselves and everyone around us to pieces" for it. I know my family and the people close to me suffered when they found out about what i do. And what i do does tear me to pieces. I've developed addictions and started to destroy my body willingly because i wanted that inch. I wanted to be one less pound everyday. I always want that inch.
He's also right about the one's that are willing to die, they really are the one's who win the inch. To really win the inch you put everything else aside and it can turn into a life and death situation. Those of you who have been hospitalized know that you were willing to die for that inch. We don't live if we're not fighting for the inch, he's right. It's become so a part of who we are that we're not living, we're not ourselves if we're not fighting for that inch, that pound.
And as for a team - I know that some people on this website have developed close relations with others and they support each other through this. They fight for that inch together even if they've been a half second too late or too early before. I also know people around me who are fighting for the same inch I am. Not they would die for me to get my inch, but we are some sort of a team I guess.
But no can MAKE us do this. We do this for ourselves. And as for healing as a team, i think we just need to smooth things out with the ones we love. They might come to understand or they might change us for the better. Either way we can go the direction we choose and make our own team who will stick by us no matter what and we don't have to die alone.
Here's the speech in it's best form:
Inch By Inch
Three minutes, to the biggest battle of our professional lives
all comes down to today.
Either, we heal as a team
or we are going to crumble.
Inch by inch, play by play
till we're finished.
We are in hell right now, gentlemen
believe me. And we can stay here
and get the shit kicked out of us
or
we can fight our way
back into the light.
We can climb out of hell.
One inch, at a time.
Now I can't do it for you.
I'm too old.
I look around and I see these young faces
and I think
I mean
I made every wrong choice a middle age man could make.
I uh....
I pissed away all my money, believe it or not.
I chased off anyone who has ever loved me.
And lately, I can't even stand the face I see in the mirror.
You know when you get old in life
things get taken from you.
That's, that's part of life.
But,
you only learn that when you start losing stuff.
You find out that life is just a game of inches.
So is football.
Because in either game
life or football
the margin for error is so small.
I mean
one half step too late or to early
you don't quite make it.
One half second too slow or too fast
and you don't quite catch it.
The inches we need are everywhere around us.
They are in ever break of the game
every minute, every second.
On this team, we fight for that inch
On this team, we tear ourselves, and everyone around us
to pieces for that inch.
We CLAW with our finger nails for that inch.
Cause we know, when we add up all those inches
that's going to make the fucking difference
between WINNING and LOSING
between LIVING and DYING.
I'll tell you this:
in any fight, it's the guy who is willing to die
who is going to win that inch.
And I know
if I am going to have any life anymore
it is because, I am still willing to fight, and die for that inch
because that is what LIVING is.
The six inches in front of your face.
Now I can't make you do it.
You gotta look at the guy next to you. Look into his eyes.
Now I think you are going to see a guy who will go that inch with you.
You are going to see a guy
who will sacrifice himself for this team
because he knows when it comes down to it,
you are gonna do the same thing for him.
That's a team, gentlemen
and either we heal now, as a team,
or we will die as individuals.
That's football guys.
That's all it is.
Now, whattaya gonna do?"
I never really realized why this speech struck a chord with me until now. This weight loss, these addictions. These are the biggest battles of our lives. They really are. Living through these battles or fighting your way back is going to be the biggest battle of your life. These diseases and addictions usually have us ending up like Al Pacino.
We spend all our money on diet pills or knives or band-aids or huge clothes that cover us up. And although inadvertently, we push away the people who love us. Even when they tell us that our problems won't change anything, there is still some sort of invisible wall between you. You struggled through something that they will never understand and it will never leave you so the wall remains. And well not being able to stand the face you see in the mirror, i believe that that's a daily occurrence for us. That's what drives our lives.
We do start losin' stuff. We lose friends and laughs and good times. We lose pounds and skin and blood. And because of that we usually miss or ignore those inches that could pull us towards the light (whichever direction that may be). And all of us do "claw with our fingernails for that inch." We put ourselves through so much pain and depression for an inch. And we really do "tear ourselves and everyone around us to pieces" for it. I know my family and the people close to me suffered when they found out about what i do. And what i do does tear me to pieces. I've developed addictions and started to destroy my body willingly because i wanted that inch. I wanted to be one less pound everyday. I always want that inch.
He's also right about the one's that are willing to die, they really are the one's who win the inch. To really win the inch you put everything else aside and it can turn into a life and death situation. Those of you who have been hospitalized know that you were willing to die for that inch. We don't live if we're not fighting for the inch, he's right. It's become so a part of who we are that we're not living, we're not ourselves if we're not fighting for that inch, that pound.
And as for a team - I know that some people on this website have developed close relations with others and they support each other through this. They fight for that inch together even if they've been a half second too late or too early before. I also know people around me who are fighting for the same inch I am. Not they would die for me to get my inch, but we are some sort of a team I guess.
But no can MAKE us do this. We do this for ourselves. And as for healing as a team, i think we just need to smooth things out with the ones we love. They might come to understand or they might change us for the better. Either way we can go the direction we choose and make our own team who will stick by us no matter what and we don't have to die alone.
Here's the speech in it's best form:
Inch By Inch
Sunday, October 17, 2010
OneTwentySix.
So just out of curiosity, how much weight do you gain when you're on your period?
My friend(who is a little thicker) gains 6 pounds and then loses it when she's off her period and i just gained 3 pounds and then went back to the same weight afterwards. Strange.
xoxo
SW
My friend(who is a little thicker) gains 6 pounds and then loses it when she's off her period and i just gained 3 pounds and then went back to the same weight afterwards. Strange.
xoxo
SW
Monday, October 11, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
OneTwentyFour.
No one probably reads this anymore but I'm going to write this anyway.
I feel like shit. Mentally. That's just it. I play it off fine at school. Laughing, joking, talking to people. But then i come home and realize that i feel like shit.
I knew that i wasn't really happy about the way I look now, but i thought i was just going to be OK with it. Just accept it. No one has seriously told me that I'm fat and people have been telling me that i look healthy now and that it makes me look better. I thought i could just listen to that and just think that i look good to other people so it shouldn't matter if I'm a little disappointed.
I realize now that i've been forcing myself into trying to believe that thought. But I don't. I just can't. I can't just accept what everyone else thinks. I have to be at least partially satisfied. I know that my personality will always allow me to find something wrong with my body but if i can feel good or at least OK about a weight loss amount and how it looks i'll feel a lot better.
The most i've lost is 7 pounds recently. and i've already put back on 3 of those. I never wrote what my weight went up to on here. I weighed 115. and i was and still am appalled. I know it's not entirely my fault and that i instantly put on weight when i started taking birth control but i still hate that i ended up that fat. I got down to 108 like 2 weeks ago then held on at 109 for almost week and now I'm 111 and feel like shit. It's so hard to lose weight on this pill. And i tried restricting and that's how i got to 108 but it was so hard for me and it affected my mood a lot. And i know if someone was reading this that they would probably tell me that it's hard for everyone and it's been hard for me before and if i want it then i should just stick it out. It just affects me in so many ways. I start having a worse memory so i do worse in school. It makes me more tired so i don't stay up to get all my school work done. It puts me in a bad mood and then i end up fighting with my boyfriend. And i never have energy so it's hard to dance as much as i do. It just affects every aspect of my life in a negative way. But it's what i want. But i want all those other things too. So it's harder for me in those other aspects then just the fact of not eating. Sure its decently difficult to restrict but i know i can do that. Its everything else that i don't know if i want to sacrifice. But i think i have to sacrifice a little bit on both sides.
I need to continue to eat the same amount as i do now but make it a lot healthier. Healthier snacks and bringing my own lunch and less junk. That way i'll feel at least a little bit better in both aspects. I know it will come down to choosing one eventually and i will probably choose one and then change my mind a shitload of times. It's going to go back and forth and it's never going to stop and maybe knowing this is what drove me to my incident with suicide and my return to cutting.
Everything is just too goddamn hard.
-SW
I feel like shit. Mentally. That's just it. I play it off fine at school. Laughing, joking, talking to people. But then i come home and realize that i feel like shit.
I knew that i wasn't really happy about the way I look now, but i thought i was just going to be OK with it. Just accept it. No one has seriously told me that I'm fat and people have been telling me that i look healthy now and that it makes me look better. I thought i could just listen to that and just think that i look good to other people so it shouldn't matter if I'm a little disappointed.
I realize now that i've been forcing myself into trying to believe that thought. But I don't. I just can't. I can't just accept what everyone else thinks. I have to be at least partially satisfied. I know that my personality will always allow me to find something wrong with my body but if i can feel good or at least OK about a weight loss amount and how it looks i'll feel a lot better.
The most i've lost is 7 pounds recently. and i've already put back on 3 of those. I never wrote what my weight went up to on here. I weighed 115. and i was and still am appalled. I know it's not entirely my fault and that i instantly put on weight when i started taking birth control but i still hate that i ended up that fat. I got down to 108 like 2 weeks ago then held on at 109 for almost week and now I'm 111 and feel like shit. It's so hard to lose weight on this pill. And i tried restricting and that's how i got to 108 but it was so hard for me and it affected my mood a lot. And i know if someone was reading this that they would probably tell me that it's hard for everyone and it's been hard for me before and if i want it then i should just stick it out. It just affects me in so many ways. I start having a worse memory so i do worse in school. It makes me more tired so i don't stay up to get all my school work done. It puts me in a bad mood and then i end up fighting with my boyfriend. And i never have energy so it's hard to dance as much as i do. It just affects every aspect of my life in a negative way. But it's what i want. But i want all those other things too. So it's harder for me in those other aspects then just the fact of not eating. Sure its decently difficult to restrict but i know i can do that. Its everything else that i don't know if i want to sacrifice. But i think i have to sacrifice a little bit on both sides.
I need to continue to eat the same amount as i do now but make it a lot healthier. Healthier snacks and bringing my own lunch and less junk. That way i'll feel at least a little bit better in both aspects. I know it will come down to choosing one eventually and i will probably choose one and then change my mind a shitload of times. It's going to go back and forth and it's never going to stop and maybe knowing this is what drove me to my incident with suicide and my return to cutting.
Everything is just too goddamn hard.
-SW
Monday, August 30, 2010
OneTwentyThree.
I got semi excited that i'd lost weight since dancing again and now my diet is slowly being restricted and i was ready to go hardcore on tuesday until i realized last night that i don't have dance this week.
Next week i guess.
So glad my life is going fantastic and makes so much sense right now.....
Next week i guess.
So glad my life is going fantastic and makes so much sense right now.....
Saturday, August 28, 2010
OneTwentyTwo.
Cutting
Suicidal
Fat
School
Stress
Anxiety
Eating
Starving
Dancing
Fainting
Hiding
Conversations
Anxiety
Depression
Stress
Anxiety
Conversation
Depression
Stress
Depression
Suicidal
Cutting
Conversation
Anxiety
Eating
Cutting
Stress
Fat
Depression
It all comes and goes. Then comes and goes again.
And Again.
And Again.
And Again.
And those conversation^^ are conversations with the BF about cutting and suicide and him wanting me to tell my parents. Hence why they lead to everything else.
I lost four pounds. That's the only positive thing right now besides how much my boyfriend loves me. Although i don't know how he could love someone like me. I can't love me.
Suicidal
Fat
School
Stress
Anxiety
Eating
Starving
Dancing
Fainting
Hiding
Conversations
Anxiety
Depression
Stress
Anxiety
Conversation
Depression
Stress
Depression
Suicidal
Cutting
Conversation
Anxiety
Eating
Cutting
Stress
Fat
Depression
It all comes and goes. Then comes and goes again.
And Again.
And Again.
And Again.
And those conversation^^ are conversations with the BF about cutting and suicide and him wanting me to tell my parents. Hence why they lead to everything else.
I lost four pounds. That's the only positive thing right now besides how much my boyfriend loves me. Although i don't know how he could love someone like me. I can't love me.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
OneTwentyOne.
Two more weeks until dance starts again and six more weeks until school.
I CANNOT FUCKING WAIT.
Honestly, so many things have happened since my last legitimate post that i might have to write a long one later that you can choose to read or not. But just to cut things short, i'm getting back on track. I haven't felt so light headed that i can't stand up or eat in waaaay too long, but i felt it this morning.
It's hard to lose weight right now though because i'm not dancing. It starts the monday after next and i'm taking 10-12 hours a week so that will help immensely. Even though i know for sure i wont be doing twelve until at least the middle of August.
It's also hard because when i'm at home (because i have no dance) my mom consistently walks by and asks what i've eaten and then checks later to make sure i've had more food and more protein. So to avoid this, the clear solution would be to go hang out with people. However, my boyfriend (long story) knows and consistently tells me i need to eat (but i finally got out of it the other day !!!) and i hang out with him more than anyone else.
Oh well. I will get through it. Just checking in for now. I didn't want to post until i had lost more than i currently have, but it's been so long and i'm finally headed in the right direction again.
Slowly counting down the days until dance and school when i can have a little help from my busy schedule to loose this fuckin weight. Probably won't post again until then. hasta luego !
-SW
I CANNOT FUCKING WAIT.
Honestly, so many things have happened since my last legitimate post that i might have to write a long one later that you can choose to read or not. But just to cut things short, i'm getting back on track. I haven't felt so light headed that i can't stand up or eat in waaaay too long, but i felt it this morning.
It's hard to lose weight right now though because i'm not dancing. It starts the monday after next and i'm taking 10-12 hours a week so that will help immensely. Even though i know for sure i wont be doing twelve until at least the middle of August.
It's also hard because when i'm at home (because i have no dance) my mom consistently walks by and asks what i've eaten and then checks later to make sure i've had more food and more protein. So to avoid this, the clear solution would be to go hang out with people. However, my boyfriend (long story) knows and consistently tells me i need to eat (but i finally got out of it the other day !!!) and i hang out with him more than anyone else.
Oh well. I will get through it. Just checking in for now. I didn't want to post until i had lost more than i currently have, but it's been so long and i'm finally headed in the right direction again.
Slowly counting down the days until dance and school when i can have a little help from my busy schedule to loose this fuckin weight. Probably won't post again until then. hasta luego !
-SW
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
OneNineteen.
Still stuck at the same gross weight.. i feel disgusting every time i change or go to the spa.
But my life is so good right now that i'm not trying very hard to change that. I don't think i've ever been this happy<3
But my life is so good right now that i'm not trying very hard to change that. I don't think i've ever been this happy<3
Saturday, May 22, 2010
OneEighteen.
My mom made me meet with a nutritionist and she wants me to eat 1500 calories a day.
Too bad i'm always at dance and my mom can't enforce it =]
it's also too bad that i'm still disgusting. I did fit myself into a size 00 dress for party last night, but i have no idea how. I barely fit into 00 jeans.
I feel like i never give up on trying to restrict, but i'm not trying hard enough either. I still eat more than i used to and probably more than most of you, but i haven't binged in a very long time and i don't eat horribly on a day to day basis. I eat a little bit of unhealthy food at lunch, but it's never my food. I don't bring much and i don't ever buy anything. Last week wasn't horrible though. I think the only extra stuff i got was a few french fries and 2 1/2 oreos for the week. That's much better than some previous weeks.
I can never stick to my plans anymore. It's getting easier with protein bars though. I know that they're a lot of calories. 140-200 each, but my mom makes sure i eat them. And if i just eat a bar for lunch and dinner, it's like 400 for day. Unfortunately i can't stick to that. There's usually fruit and cereal involved. But at least it's healthy i guess.
idk. i just hate being this big. Especially when people tell me that this is small. Don't tell me i am when i'm not.
Too bad i'm always at dance and my mom can't enforce it =]
it's also too bad that i'm still disgusting. I did fit myself into a size 00 dress for party last night, but i have no idea how. I barely fit into 00 jeans.
I feel like i never give up on trying to restrict, but i'm not trying hard enough either. I still eat more than i used to and probably more than most of you, but i haven't binged in a very long time and i don't eat horribly on a day to day basis. I eat a little bit of unhealthy food at lunch, but it's never my food. I don't bring much and i don't ever buy anything. Last week wasn't horrible though. I think the only extra stuff i got was a few french fries and 2 1/2 oreos for the week. That's much better than some previous weeks.
I can never stick to my plans anymore. It's getting easier with protein bars though. I know that they're a lot of calories. 140-200 each, but my mom makes sure i eat them. And if i just eat a bar for lunch and dinner, it's like 400 for day. Unfortunately i can't stick to that. There's usually fruit and cereal involved. But at least it's healthy i guess.
idk. i just hate being this big. Especially when people tell me that this is small. Don't tell me i am when i'm not.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
OneSeventeen.
I've lost 5 pounds since switching birth controls, but i'm still a disgusting weight. Ugh.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
OneFifteen.
So much fucking shit i don't want to deal with.
The bf i broke up with continuously calls my cell and my house despite me telling him i don't want to talk.
Plus, why the hell would he want to talk to me after i ended our 2 year relationship?
I also got a lot more than sucked into the drama of my friends breakup. Let me tell you that its not fun to have everyone hate you and be called slash blamed for being the reason why they broke up.
That whole situation is still settling.
I'm still a gargantuan beast. My mom told me that she noticed it too. Although she added "but you were SO skinny before that you're still skinny now"
That seems to be everyones response. That now I'm just normal skinny. They all noticed but they thought i was really skinny before anyways.
I DON'T WANT TO BE JUST NORMAL SKINNY. I DON'T WANT TO JUST BE AVERAGE. I WANT TO FUCKING STAND OUT. I WANT TO CATCH PEOPLES EYE AND I WANT TO BE A LOT MORE THAN NORMAL SKINNY. I NEED TO BE ABNORMALLY SKINNY AND THEN SOME.
I'm switching birth controls today. I hope it makes me fucking nauseous so that i won't ever eat. Then i'll tell the doctor that i fucking love this birth control. Then i'll be a skinny little bitch. Fucking finally.
The bf i broke up with continuously calls my cell and my house despite me telling him i don't want to talk.
Plus, why the hell would he want to talk to me after i ended our 2 year relationship?
I also got a lot more than sucked into the drama of my friends breakup. Let me tell you that its not fun to have everyone hate you and be called slash blamed for being the reason why they broke up.
That whole situation is still settling.
I'm still a gargantuan beast. My mom told me that she noticed it too. Although she added "but you were SO skinny before that you're still skinny now"
That seems to be everyones response. That now I'm just normal skinny. They all noticed but they thought i was really skinny before anyways.
I DON'T WANT TO BE JUST NORMAL SKINNY. I DON'T WANT TO JUST BE AVERAGE. I WANT TO FUCKING STAND OUT. I WANT TO CATCH PEOPLES EYE AND I WANT TO BE A LOT MORE THAN NORMAL SKINNY. I NEED TO BE ABNORMALLY SKINNY AND THEN SOME.
I'm switching birth controls today. I hope it makes me fucking nauseous so that i won't ever eat. Then i'll tell the doctor that i fucking love this birth control. Then i'll be a skinny little bitch. Fucking finally.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
OneFourteen.
My BMI is in the 19's and i've lost a little if that tells you anything about how gross i am right now.
I'm still depressed and disgusted with myself and i can't even bring myself to read the blogs about successes. However, two good things have happened to me in all this.
1. I broke up with my bf and i almost feel liberated
2. i found the scale my parents hid after they found out about my ED (hence how i know my BMI)
-SW
I'm still depressed and disgusted with myself and i can't even bring myself to read the blogs about successes. However, two good things have happened to me in all this.
1. I broke up with my bf and i almost feel liberated
2. i found the scale my parents hid after they found out about my ED (hence how i know my BMI)
-SW
Friday, April 23, 2010
OneThirteen
I'm switching birth control as soon as my mom takes the prescription to the pharmacy.
hopefully the doctor was right and it will help me lose weight and not have extremely rapid mood swings all the time.
I don't know if any of you have read my blog long enough to remember the first time i thought about suicide and looked up the proper way to do it, but i had just gotten over the thought of it being a good idea a few weeks ago. I began to think that i could start it but i would realize half way through that i couldn't do it and it wouldn't be worth it. Then the progesterone in the birth control started to kick in and the ideas are back.
But what i didn't tell you last time was that i started writing notes to certain people. Like suicide notes. Like how you would expect someone to write one that explains why they did it except i wrote multiple letters to multiple people. Not a lot of people but about 5. I told them why they were important to me/how they drove me to do what i did. (i wrote them in the past tense thinking the people would read them after i'm gone)
It feels really weird to publicly say that. I never thought i would be able to just put that out there.
Whatever. I'm feeling like a huge( in more ways than one) failure who's too scared to break up with her boyfriend again because i'm scared of what i'll do without a boyfriend and i feel bad breaking his heart.
SOOO many things re just going terribly wrong right now.
Sorry if i've been too down for you all, but there really has been no good thing happen to me. I'm feeling like shit.
-SW
hopefully the doctor was right and it will help me lose weight and not have extremely rapid mood swings all the time.
I don't know if any of you have read my blog long enough to remember the first time i thought about suicide and looked up the proper way to do it, but i had just gotten over the thought of it being a good idea a few weeks ago. I began to think that i could start it but i would realize half way through that i couldn't do it and it wouldn't be worth it. Then the progesterone in the birth control started to kick in and the ideas are back.
But what i didn't tell you last time was that i started writing notes to certain people. Like suicide notes. Like how you would expect someone to write one that explains why they did it except i wrote multiple letters to multiple people. Not a lot of people but about 5. I told them why they were important to me/how they drove me to do what i did. (i wrote them in the past tense thinking the people would read them after i'm gone)
It feels really weird to publicly say that. I never thought i would be able to just put that out there.
Whatever. I'm feeling like a huge( in more ways than one) failure who's too scared to break up with her boyfriend again because i'm scared of what i'll do without a boyfriend and i feel bad breaking his heart.
SOOO many things re just going terribly wrong right now.
Sorry if i've been too down for you all, but there really has been no good thing happen to me. I'm feeling like shit.
-SW
Thursday, April 22, 2010
OneTwelve.
Hey. Sorry it's been so long. Life has been one big hectic stress ball.
So since my bf cheated on me and that Disneyland weekend, i've been horrible up until recently. But part of the gain is because i started taking birth control. So summary:
1. Stressed out about my bf
2. Gained a bunch of stress weight
3. Got back together with him
4. Only saw him once cuz i'm so busy all the time
5. Started birth control and gained even more weight
6. He got frustrated and we decided to break up
7. I started cutting again
8. Went on vacation to St. Kitts and Nevis (Caribbean) and South Beach Florida
9. Gained vacation/ being around family weight
10. Bf tells me he wants to get back together
11. Then he tells me he had sex with the same girl he cheated on me with
12. Stressed out more
13. stayed the same weight
14. Stressed out about how fat i am
15. Tell the bf i'll give him one more chance
16. Its really uncomfortable between us and we argue all the time
17. I cut some more
18. I try to break up with him, but i feel too bad about it so we end up still together
19. Stress about the Bf
20. Stress because i have some finals this week
21. Stress more about AP tests in a week
22. Cut some more
23. Write this post
I've lost a little bit since around number 15 but not a huge amount. I'm not going to say how much i am until i go back down.
I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to talk about how the BC is working for me, but i don't think i like it. It makes me even more moody and sometimes even more depressed and maybe if i get off it i can lose some weight. Is it even possible to lose the weight you gain from BC? Have anyone of you guys done it?
Sorry if that was boring but i figured i needed to at least list out everything thats happened before i start coming back and posting semi regularly.
-SW
So since my bf cheated on me and that Disneyland weekend, i've been horrible up until recently. But part of the gain is because i started taking birth control. So summary:
1. Stressed out about my bf
2. Gained a bunch of stress weight
3. Got back together with him
4. Only saw him once cuz i'm so busy all the time
5. Started birth control and gained even more weight
6. He got frustrated and we decided to break up
7. I started cutting again
8. Went on vacation to St. Kitts and Nevis (Caribbean) and South Beach Florida
9. Gained vacation/ being around family weight
10. Bf tells me he wants to get back together
11. Then he tells me he had sex with the same girl he cheated on me with
12. Stressed out more
13. stayed the same weight
14. Stressed out about how fat i am
15. Tell the bf i'll give him one more chance
16. Its really uncomfortable between us and we argue all the time
17. I cut some more
18. I try to break up with him, but i feel too bad about it so we end up still together
19. Stress about the Bf
20. Stress because i have some finals this week
21. Stress more about AP tests in a week
22. Cut some more
23. Write this post
I've lost a little bit since around number 15 but not a huge amount. I'm not going to say how much i am until i go back down.
I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to talk about how the BC is working for me, but i don't think i like it. It makes me even more moody and sometimes even more depressed and maybe if i get off it i can lose some weight. Is it even possible to lose the weight you gain from BC? Have anyone of you guys done it?
Sorry if that was boring but i figured i needed to at least list out everything thats happened before i start coming back and posting semi regularly.
-SW
Monday, March 29, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
OneTen.
Last week i was the huge whale in the back. This week i am the smaller whale.
Note that i am still a whale. Just a little bit of smaller one.
Baby steps. I'm starting that climb to the top of the mountain VV
Sunday, March 21, 2010
OneOhNine.
Good friend's mother collapsed of a brain aneurism during the softball game on saturday. She was brain dead by the time they reached the hospital and they pulled her off life support this afternoon. I don't even know what to do.
I've been so depressed that i've eaten soo much.
depression=eating
eating= more depression
so it becomes one big circle. There's so much sadness, grief, and tragedy going around my city right now.
Two days before my friends mother collapsed, a freshman on varsity football at my school died in his sleep of an enlarged heart. That tore my whole school apart and then my friend's mom passed and everyone is just even worse.
I sat in the dark by myself and ate cake. That's how depressed i've been recently.
I don't know what else to say really except pray that these families will heal somehow and that everything will turn out ok.
I've been so depressed that i've eaten soo much.
depression=eating
eating= more depression
so it becomes one big circle. There's so much sadness, grief, and tragedy going around my city right now.
Two days before my friends mother collapsed, a freshman on varsity football at my school died in his sleep of an enlarged heart. That tore my whole school apart and then my friend's mom passed and everyone is just even worse.
I sat in the dark by myself and ate cake. That's how depressed i've been recently.
I don't know what else to say really except pray that these families will heal somehow and that everything will turn out ok.
Monday, March 15, 2010
OneOhEight.
Everything will turn back around
v e r y s l o w l y
but it will. i know it will. It is always harder than the last time, but it's always possible.
"They take pictures of the mountain climbers at the top of the mountain. They are smiling, ecstatic, triumphant. They don’t take pictures along the way cause who wants to remember the rest of it? We push ourselves because we have to, not because we like it. The relentless climb, the pain and anguish of taking it to the next level – nobody takes pictures of that, nobody wants to remember, we just want to remember the view from the top, the breathtaking moment at the edge of the world. That’s what keeps us climbing and it’s worth the pain, that’s the crazy part. It’s worth anything."
v e r y s l o w l y
but it will. i know it will. It is always harder than the last time, but it's always possible.
"They take pictures of the mountain climbers at the top of the mountain. They are smiling, ecstatic, triumphant. They don’t take pictures along the way cause who wants to remember the rest of it? We push ourselves because we have to, not because we like it. The relentless climb, the pain and anguish of taking it to the next level – nobody takes pictures of that, nobody wants to remember, we just want to remember the view from the top, the breathtaking moment at the edge of the world. That’s what keeps us climbing and it’s worth the pain, that’s the crazy part. It’s worth anything."
Sunday, March 7, 2010
OneOhSeven.
OH
MY
GOD.
First of all, thank you heather for mentioning me in your blog =]
however, that's about the only good thing that's happened to me recently. The boyfriend thing is kind of out of control.
I told him that i was willing to get back together with him if we just took it slowly at first just to see if it could still work between us. I told him that if it ended up being weird we would break up and if it wasn't then we could just work on it and go from there. A pretty reasonable plan in my opinion. That way i wasn't committing myself to anything. So he invites to go out to dinner with his family for his grandma's birthday. I went just because i knew i would feel bad if i didn't. So i go and it's kind of weird but not too much since we were in a restaurant. Unfortunately, things went downhill once we got back home. It was so weird for me to kiss him because i knew he had kissed C last week and that bothered me but he kept kissing me anyways. (even though he knew i didn't want to) Then he tells me that he needs to go on a break. WHAT THE HELL?! he says that he knows he HAS to do it. He said that because he loves me so much he has to do it and why not now since we're already weird with each other. I told him that now would be a bad time and that we should get our footing with each other again before we go on any break so that we realize how much we miss each other and not still think about how weird it is. But he said it's not weird for him between us and now would be a perfect time.... So now we're on a break. I don't really know if the break is going to last or what, but not having the stress of having to make the decision to stay with him or not is already making a huge difference on my mood.
But before i went to that dinner yesterday, I had gone into this spiral of depression where i turned into the stereotypical dumpee and ate ice cream by the carton. Every. single. day. Not to mention a copious amount of other junk/dessert food items. Very, very bad.
I've gained a lot of weight. It's very much visible.
I went to the doctor because i have a stress fracture in my ankle (goddammit) and i heard people talking in the hall and someone said "well, she's really jumped up in weight." Although i don't know if it was about me, i'm pretty sure it was because i look absolutely disgusting. I actually gained enough weight to induce the first period i've had in six months. How horrible and ridiculous is that?
Despite my insane depressed weight gain, i've been getting more comments about how "skinny" i am. What the hell? I have to agree with heather now. People seem to compliment you when your heavier than normal which is sooo strange. I just don't understand it. Last Friday was 50s day and i dressed up as sandy from Grease, except the sandy at the end in the black outfit. I wore all black spandex, black heels, and i black leather vest with zippers and a buckle. Now i was honestly uncomfortable with this, but i got attacked by people on dance team with all of them grabbing my stomach, telling me i'm super skinny and asking me if i've "lost like twenty pounds."
However, i now plan tot ry and fight what is happening to me. I need to be stronger than everyone and everything that is opressing me. I need to forget about the boy this week, stop feeling sorry for myself, pull myself out of this depression, stop cutting, and lose some fuckin weight.
Here it goes.
(P.S. sorry if the post was choppy. I'm still kind of scattered from everything that's happened)
MY
GOD.
First of all, thank you heather for mentioning me in your blog =]
however, that's about the only good thing that's happened to me recently. The boyfriend thing is kind of out of control.
I told him that i was willing to get back together with him if we just took it slowly at first just to see if it could still work between us. I told him that if it ended up being weird we would break up and if it wasn't then we could just work on it and go from there. A pretty reasonable plan in my opinion. That way i wasn't committing myself to anything. So he invites to go out to dinner with his family for his grandma's birthday. I went just because i knew i would feel bad if i didn't. So i go and it's kind of weird but not too much since we were in a restaurant. Unfortunately, things went downhill once we got back home. It was so weird for me to kiss him because i knew he had kissed C last week and that bothered me but he kept kissing me anyways. (even though he knew i didn't want to) Then he tells me that he needs to go on a break. WHAT THE HELL?! he says that he knows he HAS to do it. He said that because he loves me so much he has to do it and why not now since we're already weird with each other. I told him that now would be a bad time and that we should get our footing with each other again before we go on any break so that we realize how much we miss each other and not still think about how weird it is. But he said it's not weird for him between us and now would be a perfect time.... So now we're on a break. I don't really know if the break is going to last or what, but not having the stress of having to make the decision to stay with him or not is already making a huge difference on my mood.
But before i went to that dinner yesterday, I had gone into this spiral of depression where i turned into the stereotypical dumpee and ate ice cream by the carton. Every. single. day. Not to mention a copious amount of other junk/dessert food items. Very, very bad.
I've gained a lot of weight. It's very much visible.
I went to the doctor because i have a stress fracture in my ankle (goddammit) and i heard people talking in the hall and someone said "well, she's really jumped up in weight." Although i don't know if it was about me, i'm pretty sure it was because i look absolutely disgusting. I actually gained enough weight to induce the first period i've had in six months. How horrible and ridiculous is that?
Despite my insane depressed weight gain, i've been getting more comments about how "skinny" i am. What the hell? I have to agree with heather now. People seem to compliment you when your heavier than normal which is sooo strange. I just don't understand it. Last Friday was 50s day and i dressed up as sandy from Grease, except the sandy at the end in the black outfit. I wore all black spandex, black heels, and i black leather vest with zippers and a buckle. Now i was honestly uncomfortable with this, but i got attacked by people on dance team with all of them grabbing my stomach, telling me i'm super skinny and asking me if i've "lost like twenty pounds."
However, i now plan tot ry and fight what is happening to me. I need to be stronger than everyone and everything that is opressing me. I need to forget about the boy this week, stop feeling sorry for myself, pull myself out of this depression, stop cutting, and lose some fuckin weight.
Here it goes.
(P.S. sorry if the post was choppy. I'm still kind of scattered from everything that's happened)
Monday, March 1, 2010
OneOhSix
So..... What do you do when your boyfriend cheats on you?
I have no idea what to do with myself. We've been together for over a year and a half.
And after many therapist visits I know I can't handle my own emotions. I can't even say right now that I'm angry at him or sad about it or literally any emotion. My emotional slate is fuzzy and I can't pick anything distinct out of it.
Any advice from experience or not. I'm really at a loss....
P.s. I called my friend crying instead of cutting for the first time ever. I have cried in front of other people less than ten times in my entire life and I did that instead of cut. A step in the right direction?
I have no idea what to do with myself. We've been together for over a year and a half.
And after many therapist visits I know I can't handle my own emotions. I can't even say right now that I'm angry at him or sad about it or literally any emotion. My emotional slate is fuzzy and I can't pick anything distinct out of it.
Any advice from experience or not. I'm really at a loss....
P.s. I called my friend crying instead of cutting for the first time ever. I have cried in front of other people less than ten times in my entire life and I did that instead of cut. A step in the right direction?
Saturday, February 27, 2010
OneOhFive.
"with how much you eat you should be 500 pounds"
"yeah you should be out to here"
***walks halfway to the other side of the kitchen***
"but you're not"
***touches my stomach***
**I flinch
"you're skinny"
"yeah you're so small"
They have no idea what skinny is. I'm currently a beast and probably 3-5 pounds above my normal high weight.
They do have one thing right though- I have been eating way too much. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm getting my period for the first time since September or maybe I'm just freaking out about my boyfriend wanting to "take a break from each other so we can end up staying together later." whatever it is - fuck it. It needs to stop making me want sugary and dessertlike foods.
I'm so big right now. I might've even gone up to 105 or 106 for a few days. Whatever weight I am, I didn't fit into my childs jeans last week and barely fit into them this week. That's so embarrassing. I'm like just fitting my double zeros. I'm going to have to wear sweats to school for like two weeks until I'm suitable to even wear jeans.
ugh. i'm so disgusted with myself. and guess what that leads to... oh yeah cutting.
fuck this shit. I need to stay on track for once. I'm always on and off, on and off, but never just on. That only happened once. But when it did, i shrunk ever so nicely. I need that. I crave that. Let me have that please.
"yeah you should be out to here"
***walks halfway to the other side of the kitchen***
"but you're not"
***touches my stomach***
**I flinch
"you're skinny"
"yeah you're so small"
They have no idea what skinny is. I'm currently a beast and probably 3-5 pounds above my normal high weight.
They do have one thing right though- I have been eating way too much. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm getting my period for the first time since September or maybe I'm just freaking out about my boyfriend wanting to "take a break from each other so we can end up staying together later." whatever it is - fuck it. It needs to stop making me want sugary and dessertlike foods.
I'm so big right now. I might've even gone up to 105 or 106 for a few days. Whatever weight I am, I didn't fit into my childs jeans last week and barely fit into them this week. That's so embarrassing. I'm like just fitting my double zeros. I'm going to have to wear sweats to school for like two weeks until I'm suitable to even wear jeans.
ugh. i'm so disgusted with myself. and guess what that leads to... oh yeah cutting.
fuck this shit. I need to stay on track for once. I'm always on and off, on and off, but never just on. That only happened once. But when it did, i shrunk ever so nicely. I need that. I crave that. Let me have that please.
OneOhFour.
FFFFFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
OneOhThree.
Alright. What the fuck?
I need some goddamn laxatives or something. I ate less and only burned a little less yesterday than I did before and my net was in the fucking negative five hundreds each day. How the he'll did I not lose weight? I'm totally serious though. Like in two days of that kind of calorie burn plus bmr I burnt 3500 calories which is a pound. So in two days I shouldve lost a pound. But no. Of course not. When I'm doing the best I've ever done I weigh EXACTLY the same for two days straight.
I don't understand how it is physically possible for my body not to lose weight. It makes no sense. Now I'm just mad fat and confused.
Having said that, I've decided to try something new since physically starving myself clearly doesn't work. I'm going to try and only eat fruit and vegetables. I know that sounds dumb and I've done it before when it wasn't a plan but I'm making an effort to not eat anything that's processed at all with the idea that my body will more easily digest it/break it down quicker and I will lose weight. And hopefully poop from eating fruit. So if I choose to post my calorie count just know that it will be higher than the 115 I've been staying around cuz fruits natural sugars have more calories than some of the processed foods I eat.
Sorry if that was more of a rant. I just don't see how having a negative 500 net consecutively doesn't allow me to loose weight
hope you all are having more luck than me
SW
I need some goddamn laxatives or something. I ate less and only burned a little less yesterday than I did before and my net was in the fucking negative five hundreds each day. How the he'll did I not lose weight? I'm totally serious though. Like in two days of that kind of calorie burn plus bmr I burnt 3500 calories which is a pound. So in two days I shouldve lost a pound. But no. Of course not. When I'm doing the best I've ever done I weigh EXACTLY the same for two days straight.
I don't understand how it is physically possible for my body not to lose weight. It makes no sense. Now I'm just mad fat and confused.
Having said that, I've decided to try something new since physically starving myself clearly doesn't work. I'm going to try and only eat fruit and vegetables. I know that sounds dumb and I've done it before when it wasn't a plan but I'm making an effort to not eat anything that's processed at all with the idea that my body will more easily digest it/break it down quicker and I will lose weight. And hopefully poop from eating fruit. So if I choose to post my calorie count just know that it will be higher than the 115 I've been staying around cuz fruits natural sugars have more calories than some of the processed foods I eat.
Sorry if that was more of a rant. I just don't see how having a negative 500 net consecutively doesn't allow me to loose weight
hope you all are having more luck than me
SW
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
OneOhTwo.
Ok well I'm already in bed so I'm gunna make this short (sorry that they all have been recently)
so I did pretty well today
totals:
Input: 122
Output: 701
Net: -579
If I keep this up I might be in pretty good shape :)
xoxo SW
so I did pretty well today
totals:
Input: 122
Output: 701
Net: -579
If I keep this up I might be in pretty good shape :)
xoxo SW
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
OneHundred.
yay for 100 posts =]
and this post won't be depressing so that's good for my 100th post. however it won't be long either.
i just wanted to share that today i had 177 calories and i burnt 771 for a net of:
negative 594
i don't think i've ever had a net that low.
All i have to say is that i better wake up smaller tomorrow or some bad things are going to happen.
oh and anyone want someone to talk to maybe a little more personally or just more frequently than on here please email me. my email is thesevencalories@aol.com
i like having people to talk to
xoxo SW
and this post won't be depressing so that's good for my 100th post. however it won't be long either.
i just wanted to share that today i had 177 calories and i burnt 771 for a net of:
negative 594
i don't think i've ever had a net that low.
All i have to say is that i better wake up smaller tomorrow or some bad things are going to happen.
oh and anyone want someone to talk to maybe a little more personally or just more frequently than on here please email me. my email is thesevencalories@aol.com
i like having people to talk to
xoxo SW
Monday, February 22, 2010
Ninetynine.
Well....
since Tuesday when i said i would start controlling myself i've actually done pretty well. It's been almost a week and except for one bad day (where i still managed to stay under 1200 calories) yeah i know that's still a lot, but not really for a binge i've had a net under 700 every day.
I know that you're thinking 700 is really high, but that day was still under the 700 point and it was only one day. Every other day was about 2-400.
So far i've had about 200 calories today. Too bad i still have to eat dinner with my family. If i eat like this tomorrow i will have between 1 and 200 calories for the whole day and i burn around 1000 calories on tuesdays.
Someone get in touch with me and keep me strong because after my 2 weeks of vacation to fat-town i need support for the road trip down to skinnyland.
since Tuesday when i said i would start controlling myself i've actually done pretty well. It's been almost a week and except for one bad day (where i still managed to stay under 1200 calories) yeah i know that's still a lot, but not really for a binge i've had a net under 700 every day.
I know that you're thinking 700 is really high, but that day was still under the 700 point and it was only one day. Every other day was about 2-400.
So far i've had about 200 calories today. Too bad i still have to eat dinner with my family. If i eat like this tomorrow i will have between 1 and 200 calories for the whole day and i burn around 1000 calories on tuesdays.
Someone get in touch with me and keep me strong because after my 2 weeks of vacation to fat-town i need support for the road trip down to skinnyland.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Ninetyeight.
I look and feel like I've gone to a fat camp
that's why I've been gone so long...
I've let you down (anyone who even reads this blog) and I've let myself down big time.
I will reverse this. Starting Tuesday. I promise.
that's why I've been gone so long...
I've let you down (anyone who even reads this blog) and I've let myself down big time.
I will reverse this. Starting Tuesday. I promise.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Ninetyseven.
101.3
Lost the about 3 pounds i gained over the weekend.
I know it's completely my fault, but i'm still glad i was able to lose it.
Hopefully this weekend i won't put it back on.
I'll try.
xo
-SW
Lost the about 3 pounds i gained over the weekend.
I know it's completely my fault, but i'm still glad i was able to lose it.
Hopefully this weekend i won't put it back on.
I'll try.
xo
-SW
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Ninetysix.
*Me in the kitchen stirfrying vegetables*
*Mom walks in and peers over the pan*
Me: "What?"
Mom: "Just seeing what you are making?"
Me: "ok..."
*Mom still hangs around*
Can you please go away now?
Mom: "You should put some cheese on that. You're not getting enough calcium."
Me: "Ok."
Mom: "You need to eat more dairy. You don't eat enough from what i can see."
Me:"ok"
you can leave any time. I've heard this shpeel like 100 times.
*a few seconds go by*
Mom: "What do you eat that has calcium?"
Me: "I have cereal in the morning."
with no milk. but you don't need to know that =]
Mom: "Ok, so that's about 25% of your daily calcium. What else?"
Me: "I don't know.."
Mom: "Ok, so that's not enough. You should put some cheese on that or eat a yogurt or something"
*a few moments pass*
Mom: "Ok?"
Me: "ok."
*a few more seconds pass*
Mom: "What if we try that frying cheese?"
Me: "Ew"
Mom: "What?"
Me: "That sounds disgusting"
Mom: "It's just like grilled cheese. You like grilled cheese don't you?"
a couple seconds pass and then i slowly nod my head
Mom: "So it's just like grilled cheese. I don't see why that sounds so disgusting."
Me: "Ok."
*Mom peers over at the pan again*
Mom: "You should put some cheese on that"
Me: "ok."
THANK GOD! she finally left the room !
Do you see how annoying this is? I clearly don't want to talk about it. Something about talking about how i eat makes me really pissed off every time. Yet she brings it up at least every other day. I can't stand it.
Other news: I was good on monday and really good on tuesday until the epic fail that was wednesday. Today i'm doing better though. Not fantastic but a lot less than yesterday so thats good. However, i burn less today than i do on wednesdays. I only have 2 hours of dance. that only burns 4-500 calories.
I honestly don't think that i will be a reasonable weight by tomorrow. We'll just have to wait and see how poorly i've been treating my body.
I hope everyone is better than me
-SW
*Mom walks in and peers over the pan*
Me: "What?"
Mom: "Just seeing what you are making?"
Me: "ok..."
*Mom still hangs around*
Can you please go away now?
Mom: "You should put some cheese on that. You're not getting enough calcium."
Me: "Ok."
Mom: "You need to eat more dairy. You don't eat enough from what i can see."
Me:"ok"
you can leave any time. I've heard this shpeel like 100 times.
*a few seconds go by*
Mom: "What do you eat that has calcium?"
Me: "I have cereal in the morning."
with no milk. but you don't need to know that =]
Mom: "Ok, so that's about 25% of your daily calcium. What else?"
Me: "I don't know.."
Mom: "Ok, so that's not enough. You should put some cheese on that or eat a yogurt or something"
*a few moments pass*
Mom: "Ok?"
Me: "ok."
*a few more seconds pass*
Mom: "What if we try that frying cheese?"
Me: "Ew"
Mom: "What?"
Me: "That sounds disgusting"
Mom: "It's just like grilled cheese. You like grilled cheese don't you?"
a couple seconds pass and then i slowly nod my head
Mom: "So it's just like grilled cheese. I don't see why that sounds so disgusting."
Me: "Ok."
*Mom peers over at the pan again*
Mom: "You should put some cheese on that"
Me: "ok."
THANK GOD! she finally left the room !
Do you see how annoying this is? I clearly don't want to talk about it. Something about talking about how i eat makes me really pissed off every time. Yet she brings it up at least every other day. I can't stand it.
Other news: I was good on monday and really good on tuesday until the epic fail that was wednesday. Today i'm doing better though. Not fantastic but a lot less than yesterday so thats good. However, i burn less today than i do on wednesdays. I only have 2 hours of dance. that only burns 4-500 calories.
I honestly don't think that i will be a reasonable weight by tomorrow. We'll just have to wait and see how poorly i've been treating my body.
I hope everyone is better than me
-SW
Friday, January 22, 2010
Ninetyfive.
So i didn't post all week because i gained a massive amount of weight over the weekend (monday included). However, in three days i managed to get it all off. Literally 0.1 pound away from being in the 100 range. Then i broke down.
See, I have finals at school this week and we get out at 11:50 in the morning. So i come home right after school to escape the rain and put on warm clothes. The down side of being home at noon? All you do is eat. All my friends leave school and go to in n out or panda express or some other fast food and i go home thinking i'll be better than them but i definitely wasn't today. I mean i'm sure that the burger they consumed has more than 812 calories and it took them 5 minutes to eat it when it took me 2 hours to eat that much. See, vegan things down have that many calories because you eat fruits and veggies all the time, except that now i always crave carbs. So of course i went back to my downfall of cereal. 110 calories per serving. That is where about half of those calories came from. And the sad part is that i know i'm not going to burn it off. I only have an hour of dance which burns about 220 calories and i know the bf is going to make me eat dinner with him. FML.
I know next week will be better. I will try not to weigh myself until next friday. That's seven days without knowing how much i weigh, but i can do it. I'm not going to weigh myself tomorrow and fret about all the weight i know i've gained from my 812 calories binge. (please don't judge me for that repulsive number of calories. I really didn't even want to share it all because it's so embarrassing) I'm just going to get through tomorrow. I'm taking the SAT for the first time and then i'm going to a dance rehearsal. At least the test will keep me away from food and the rehearsal will help me burn calories. I need to push the idea of my weight out of my head or else i'll end up with a knife to my skin.
Oh and minor detail. I found the food journal i kept when i was in 8th grade where i wrote down what i ate, how many calories, how much i weighed, and whether or not i pooped that day. I've taken to using it again. And i'm writing the same information that i wrote back then. It makes me realize how much i've eaten which i really need right now.
I desperately hope that you all are doing much better than I.
xo
-SW
See, I have finals at school this week and we get out at 11:50 in the morning. So i come home right after school to escape the rain and put on warm clothes. The down side of being home at noon? All you do is eat. All my friends leave school and go to in n out or panda express or some other fast food and i go home thinking i'll be better than them but i definitely wasn't today. I mean i'm sure that the burger they consumed has more than 812 calories and it took them 5 minutes to eat it when it took me 2 hours to eat that much. See, vegan things down have that many calories because you eat fruits and veggies all the time, except that now i always crave carbs. So of course i went back to my downfall of cereal. 110 calories per serving. That is where about half of those calories came from. And the sad part is that i know i'm not going to burn it off. I only have an hour of dance which burns about 220 calories and i know the bf is going to make me eat dinner with him. FML.
I know next week will be better. I will try not to weigh myself until next friday. That's seven days without knowing how much i weigh, but i can do it. I'm not going to weigh myself tomorrow and fret about all the weight i know i've gained from my 812 calories binge. (please don't judge me for that repulsive number of calories. I really didn't even want to share it all because it's so embarrassing) I'm just going to get through tomorrow. I'm taking the SAT for the first time and then i'm going to a dance rehearsal. At least the test will keep me away from food and the rehearsal will help me burn calories. I need to push the idea of my weight out of my head or else i'll end up with a knife to my skin.
Oh and minor detail. I found the food journal i kept when i was in 8th grade where i wrote down what i ate, how many calories, how much i weighed, and whether or not i pooped that day. I've taken to using it again. And i'm writing the same information that i wrote back then. It makes me realize how much i've eaten which i really need right now.
I desperately hope that you all are doing much better than I.
xo
-SW
Monday, January 18, 2010
Ninetyfour.
Well that was an epic fail of a day. Binge much?
At least it was vegan i guess.....
oh and suicidal thoughts have trickled my way again. Maybe its because i'm so fucking fat.
I'm pushing them away though...
At least it was vegan i guess.....
oh and suicidal thoughts have trickled my way again. Maybe its because i'm so fucking fat.
I'm pushing them away though...
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Ninetyone.
So i went to this mansion to meet and take pictures before senior ball. The ENTIRE dining room table was ABSOLUTELY COVERED in food and i stayed completely vegan. I'm talking tacone rolls, homemade mac and cheese, jersey mike's, sushi, chinese food, brownies, cookies spinach dip, ceasar salad, honeybaked ham, chips, bread, cheese, pigs in a blanket, plain salad, fruit, bean dip, and probably about 6 other things. Then we went to senior ball and there was a dessert/ice cream bar. Cheesecakes, chocolate cakes, ice cream, m &ms, chocolate frozen yogurt, whipped cream, nuts, cherries, strawberries, mini cakes, and a bunch of other little mini dessert things.
Guess what i ate all night? Fruit, plain salad, and regular chips at the house. Strawberries, cherries, and plain nuts at the ball. Granted i had like 3 plates of fruit at that house and i was stuffed, i needed to keep the illusion that i was eating everything there. Mostly since my bf (who ONCE AGAIN forgot i'm even a vegetarian) was telling me that if i didn't eat he was going to force feed a tacone wrap down my throat. (and that has meat in it) So i obliged. but barely.
I followed all that up with about 2 hours worth of dancing maybe 2 1/2 since we were only there for like 3 1/2.
I definitely felt disgusting, but i thought since by the end of the night when my dress was falling off of me again i had burned off about what i ate. I might have except umm......
well. let's just say that throughout the day (before i left the house/when i got home/this morning/for lunch) i have said good bye to 100 pounds and hello to vegan brownies.
I know what your thinking. I don't want to read anymore about this girl, she has no self control, she's gunna be fat, and she will never be an inspiration to anybody. However i gave about 1/2 the tray to my friend "for letting me borrow your shoes" and about 1/4 of it to my boyfriend "because i think you're good looking." So there's not that much left and i figured that since
The only things i asked my dad for from the grocery store were: broccoli, red bell pepper, orange bell pepper, zucchini, apples, and no more yogurt
that if i eat the final fourth of them this weekend (as in for breakfast and lunch today) then by the time tuesday rolls around since we don't have school monday that if i can stay in control tonight, tomorrow, and monday that i'll be back on track. I need them out of the house and my dad didn't really like them and i think they're so good. They're bad but they're not horrible in the way of calories. Really all the calories in it are from the vegetable oil, and i gave most of the brownies away.
We'll see how this week goes. I'll weigh myself next time i have the opportunity to do so. Probably tuesday.
Stay Stronger Than Me xo
-SW
Guess what i ate all night? Fruit, plain salad, and regular chips at the house. Strawberries, cherries, and plain nuts at the ball. Granted i had like 3 plates of fruit at that house and i was stuffed, i needed to keep the illusion that i was eating everything there. Mostly since my bf (who ONCE AGAIN forgot i'm even a vegetarian) was telling me that if i didn't eat he was going to force feed a tacone wrap down my throat. (and that has meat in it) So i obliged. but barely.
I followed all that up with about 2 hours worth of dancing maybe 2 1/2 since we were only there for like 3 1/2.
I definitely felt disgusting, but i thought since by the end of the night when my dress was falling off of me again i had burned off about what i ate. I might have except umm......
well. let's just say that throughout the day (before i left the house/when i got home/this morning/for lunch) i have said good bye to 100 pounds and hello to vegan brownies.
I know what your thinking. I don't want to read anymore about this girl, she has no self control, she's gunna be fat, and she will never be an inspiration to anybody. However i gave about 1/2 the tray to my friend "for letting me borrow your shoes" and about 1/4 of it to my boyfriend "because i think you're good looking." So there's not that much left and i figured that since
The only things i asked my dad for from the grocery store were: broccoli, red bell pepper, orange bell pepper, zucchini, apples, and no more yogurt
that if i eat the final fourth of them this weekend (as in for breakfast and lunch today) then by the time tuesday rolls around since we don't have school monday that if i can stay in control tonight, tomorrow, and monday that i'll be back on track. I need them out of the house and my dad didn't really like them and i think they're so good. They're bad but they're not horrible in the way of calories. Really all the calories in it are from the vegetable oil, and i gave most of the brownies away.
We'll see how this week goes. I'll weigh myself next time i have the opportunity to do so. Probably tuesday.
Stay Stronger Than Me xo
-SW
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Ninety.
I kind of have a lot to post about. I know it's only been 2 days, but quite a few things have happened.
So after being a vegetarian for almost 6 months i want to be vegan. The only catch is that i know my mom won't let me. My plan is to be vegan without her knowing on all the days that i don't eat with her, and only eat dairy during dinner on mondays if what she chooses to make has dairy in it. However, i'm going to try and suggest dinners to her that don't have dairy in them like soups and salads or chili or even leftovers because then i can eat whatever i want. I have managed to stay vegan for 2 whole days now (today is the third day) but i'm worried about tonight. Tonight is senior ball and a bunch of us are eating at someone's house, so i don't know what kind of food is going to be there and if there will even be anything for me to eat. If every main dish has meat i can just say i'm vegetarian because people already know that i am, but i don't know saying you're vegan after 2 days would be kind of sketchy to my boyfriend who last night said "you feel so small, have you been eating?", so i don't know if i want to risk it.
That brings me to the next thing. My eating habits. Thursday was really healthy, but i still gained weight and i was up to about 102. Friday i thought i did pretty bad. Luckily, even if i binge in my house, a vegan binge is still pretty healthy. I started the day out fine. 100 calories of cereal with water for breakfast, (i know that sounds weird, but i met someone who was lactose intolerant who did that so i tried it and it's totally fine) 35 calories of carrots for a snack, and then 60 calories of apple for snack. Then i got a maybe 200 calorie drink at lunch. I know bad choice. Even worse though was that as soon as i got home i couldn't control myself. I had a big bowl of blueberry Special K, kettle corn, lentils, 2 forks of natural peanut butter, and like 10-12 ritz with peanut butter. I was pissed and disgusted with myself for eating so much, but i was pissed enough to not eat dinner.
I guess not eating dinner worked out for me since i've eaten some blueberries and strawberries this morning and then i weighed myself and i was 100.5. 100 was my first goal weight =] Who knows whether i can stay at this weight or not considering i've been to 100 and back up multiple times, but i really want to stay down this time. I want to try to get to 97. I don't know why that number sounds so good to me, but it always has.
In other news, (the most important news) the boyfriend found out about my cutting again. He says he's worried but not mad, however i think he's a little bit mad. The worst part is that i don't even know how to explain myself.
Me: "It's like the first time in about 6 months and i did it two weeks ago"
Him: "Well how can i trust you to not do it when we fight because you said thats the way you deal with stress"
Me: "Because i didn't do it when we were fighting. I did it before."
Him:"But you still told me you would tell me when you did it and you didn't"
Me: "But i didn't lie about it. When you asked i told you the truth"
Him: "Yeah but i shouldn't have to ask. You told me you would tell me when you did it"
Me: "Why would i do that? why would i want to make you worry about it?"
Him: "Why are you acting like this isn't a big deal?"
Me: "It's not a big deal to me"
Him: "Cutting yourself with knives for punishment and to relieve stress is a big deal! So if i told your parents right now they wouldn't care"
Me: "Of course they would care. It's a big deal to other people, it's just not a big deal to me. if i went crazy with it then it would be a big deal to me, but i did it once so it's not"
You can see how that conversation went. I was pissed off when i left because he was kind of yelling at me and i had to leave to be home on time so that i wouldn't get in trouble. I also didn't want to talk about it. I don't really see what there is to talk about. I did it a few weeks ago. It's over. i haven't done it again. and that's basically the first time i've done it in months. end of story. but then when i got home (five minutes late) he sent me this nice text about how he's not mad, he's just worried because he wants me stop and that he loves me. I don't even know what to say to him about now.
Any suggestions on what to say to your boyfriend in my situation would be more than welcome. Other than that, I'm very sorry that this post was so long. I'll try to update more frequently if i'm doing well so that they aren't as long in the future.
love you all. hope you're doing better than me.
Stay Strong xo
-SW
So after being a vegetarian for almost 6 months i want to be vegan. The only catch is that i know my mom won't let me. My plan is to be vegan without her knowing on all the days that i don't eat with her, and only eat dairy during dinner on mondays if what she chooses to make has dairy in it. However, i'm going to try and suggest dinners to her that don't have dairy in them like soups and salads or chili or even leftovers because then i can eat whatever i want. I have managed to stay vegan for 2 whole days now (today is the third day) but i'm worried about tonight. Tonight is senior ball and a bunch of us are eating at someone's house, so i don't know what kind of food is going to be there and if there will even be anything for me to eat. If every main dish has meat i can just say i'm vegetarian because people already know that i am, but i don't know saying you're vegan after 2 days would be kind of sketchy to my boyfriend who last night said "you feel so small, have you been eating?", so i don't know if i want to risk it.
That brings me to the next thing. My eating habits. Thursday was really healthy, but i still gained weight and i was up to about 102. Friday i thought i did pretty bad. Luckily, even if i binge in my house, a vegan binge is still pretty healthy. I started the day out fine. 100 calories of cereal with water for breakfast, (i know that sounds weird, but i met someone who was lactose intolerant who did that so i tried it and it's totally fine) 35 calories of carrots for a snack, and then 60 calories of apple for snack. Then i got a maybe 200 calorie drink at lunch. I know bad choice. Even worse though was that as soon as i got home i couldn't control myself. I had a big bowl of blueberry Special K, kettle corn, lentils, 2 forks of natural peanut butter, and like 10-12 ritz with peanut butter. I was pissed and disgusted with myself for eating so much, but i was pissed enough to not eat dinner.
I guess not eating dinner worked out for me since i've eaten some blueberries and strawberries this morning and then i weighed myself and i was 100.5. 100 was my first goal weight =] Who knows whether i can stay at this weight or not considering i've been to 100 and back up multiple times, but i really want to stay down this time. I want to try to get to 97. I don't know why that number sounds so good to me, but it always has.
In other news, (the most important news) the boyfriend found out about my cutting again. He says he's worried but not mad, however i think he's a little bit mad. The worst part is that i don't even know how to explain myself.
Me: "It's like the first time in about 6 months and i did it two weeks ago"
Him: "Well how can i trust you to not do it when we fight because you said thats the way you deal with stress"
Me: "Because i didn't do it when we were fighting. I did it before."
Him:"But you still told me you would tell me when you did it and you didn't"
Me: "But i didn't lie about it. When you asked i told you the truth"
Him: "Yeah but i shouldn't have to ask. You told me you would tell me when you did it"
Me: "Why would i do that? why would i want to make you worry about it?"
Him: "Why are you acting like this isn't a big deal?"
Me: "It's not a big deal to me"
Him: "Cutting yourself with knives for punishment and to relieve stress is a big deal! So if i told your parents right now they wouldn't care"
Me: "Of course they would care. It's a big deal to other people, it's just not a big deal to me. if i went crazy with it then it would be a big deal to me, but i did it once so it's not"
You can see how that conversation went. I was pissed off when i left because he was kind of yelling at me and i had to leave to be home on time so that i wouldn't get in trouble. I also didn't want to talk about it. I don't really see what there is to talk about. I did it a few weeks ago. It's over. i haven't done it again. and that's basically the first time i've done it in months. end of story. but then when i got home (five minutes late) he sent me this nice text about how he's not mad, he's just worried because he wants me stop and that he loves me. I don't even know what to say to him about now.
Any suggestions on what to say to your boyfriend in my situation would be more than welcome. Other than that, I'm very sorry that this post was so long. I'll try to update more frequently if i'm doing well so that they aren't as long in the future.
love you all. hope you're doing better than me.
Stay Strong xo
-SW
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Eightynine.
After reading lulu's post about the movie "Earthling" i decided to watch it. Now i've seen videos such as "meet your meat" and the documentary "Food, Inc." which made me glad i was a vegetarian, but this movie made me cringe so many times. I also cried while watching it. You can easily find it on Google videos here.
I think all of you should take the time to watch this video. I'm pretty sure it has the power to turn vegetarians vegan and meat eaters at least to vegetarians. I promise you it's not a waste of your time.
I think all of you should take the time to watch this video. I'm pretty sure it has the power to turn vegetarians vegan and meat eaters at least to vegetarians. I promise you it's not a waste of your time.
Eightyeight.
It's raining and i have to give my 3 and a half minute spanish speech today by memory ! i'm so nervous, but sticking mostly to my plan yesterday helped immensely.
I went from about 104.7 to 101 exactly ! i lost three pounds in a day and it's slightly visible.
Not much, but when you're as critical as me you notice.
I'm going to try to stick to the same plan today and i have 2 hours of dance and gymnastics tonight which should burn it all off. I don't think i will be loosing 3 pounds again by tomorrow, but if i lose 1 i'll be back to 100 pounds again which i want sooo badly.
And 30 followers? Thank you all so much for listening to me rant mostly about my failures and depressing days. I know i get strength from some of the people i follow, but i would never think that i could help someone else. And for those of you who comment, i appreciate it so much. I login as frequently as i can to update everyone, get things off my chest, but most of all to see what you have to say, so thank you<3
Stay Strong xo
SW
I went from about 104.7 to 101 exactly ! i lost three pounds in a day and it's slightly visible.
Not much, but when you're as critical as me you notice.
I'm going to try to stick to the same plan today and i have 2 hours of dance and gymnastics tonight which should burn it all off. I don't think i will be loosing 3 pounds again by tomorrow, but if i lose 1 i'll be back to 100 pounds again which i want sooo badly.
And 30 followers? Thank you all so much for listening to me rant mostly about my failures and depressing days. I know i get strength from some of the people i follow, but i would never think that i could help someone else. And for those of you who comment, i appreciate it so much. I login as frequently as i can to update everyone, get things off my chest, but most of all to see what you have to say, so thank you<3
Stay Strong xo
SW
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Eightyseven.
Well, its the end of the section of my day where i can eat and i stuck to my plan for the most part. I still couldn't resist the fucking chocolate and i had 4 tortilla chips but thats it.
Off to burn about 1200 calories dancing.
If i'm not closer to 104 tomorrow than i was this morning, shit is going to hit the fan. If i'm not I don't think i'll be able to keep a knife off my skin.
Off to burn about 1200 calories dancing.
If i'm not closer to 104 tomorrow than i was this morning, shit is going to hit the fan. If i'm not I don't think i'll be able to keep a knife off my skin.
Eightysix.
Holy fuck. what the hell is going on with my life right now?
Super stressed, more homework than i've ever had in my life, but those are not even the worst parts.
Why can i not resist chocolate? I didn't binge or anything i had like 30 m&ms but still. i resisted a ton of sweets yesterday, but i couldn't resist the chocolate. Hopefully today will be a different story.
Oh yeah and what the fuck. i finally didn't eat lunch for the first time in a week, or breakfast for that matter, and i gained a pound. SERIOUSLY?! I haven't weighed myself in four days, so i hope to dear fucking christ thats it's a combination of the past four days because i know i was bad over the weekend.
As for today i plan to have:
yogurt - 75
Zucchini - 2
Apple - 60
Popcorn - 30
total = 167
Hopefully that will work. I can get out of lunch again i'm pretty sure, and i have a photo shoot after school so i can't go home and eat. I also have no money to buy any food today anyways. That always puts a damper on things. I should probably only be home for about an hour before i leave for dance and then i get home just in time to go to bed.
Let's see how today works out and lets hope that i don't gain another fucking pound because i'm becoming obviously heavier and i really don't want other people to start commenting on it.
Super stressed, more homework than i've ever had in my life, but those are not even the worst parts.
Why can i not resist chocolate? I didn't binge or anything i had like 30 m&ms but still. i resisted a ton of sweets yesterday, but i couldn't resist the chocolate. Hopefully today will be a different story.
Oh yeah and what the fuck. i finally didn't eat lunch for the first time in a week, or breakfast for that matter, and i gained a pound. SERIOUSLY?! I haven't weighed myself in four days, so i hope to dear fucking christ thats it's a combination of the past four days because i know i was bad over the weekend.
As for today i plan to have:
yogurt - 75
Zucchini - 2
Apple - 60
Popcorn - 30
total = 167
Hopefully that will work. I can get out of lunch again i'm pretty sure, and i have a photo shoot after school so i can't go home and eat. I also have no money to buy any food today anyways. That always puts a damper on things. I should probably only be home for about an hour before i leave for dance and then i get home just in time to go to bed.
Let's see how today works out and lets hope that i don't gain another fucking pound because i'm becoming obviously heavier and i really don't want other people to start commenting on it.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Eightyfive.
Not much major has happened the past two days except an epic fail of myself. Was good all day saturday until i went to my friend's birthday party. Absolutely horrible. I can't believe i consumed that much. Then today started out fine until there was pizza ordered by my friend's mom and communal cookies followed by a dinner of a bunch of leftovers. As in a veggie "chicken" patty, broccoli with cheese, and potato and squash a gratin.
School tomorrow. Maybe i'll try to just eat some raw squash. (It tastes like pumpkin) considering i have to eat dinner with my family tomorrow. Ew. family dinner mondays, sundays, and occasionally fridays. And then i'm usually out for dinner with the bf on saturdays. I only skip dinner 3 days a week. I wish i could change that.
*sigh* so many things i wish i could change about myself and my life. The only good things that have happened recently are that i nailed a turns combo on pointe for the first time ever and the back of my door now has a huge poster of johnny depp as jack sparrow. Hopefully more good things to come, but that all depends on me and i'm not one to count on. Oh damn. I guess that means everything is just going to get worse. I need to learn how to take control of my life and my body or else shit is going to hit the fan.
Got to go finish my homework and the spanish final that's due wednesday that i've barely started. (see what i mean about taking control of my life?)
-SW
School tomorrow. Maybe i'll try to just eat some raw squash. (It tastes like pumpkin) considering i have to eat dinner with my family tomorrow. Ew. family dinner mondays, sundays, and occasionally fridays. And then i'm usually out for dinner with the bf on saturdays. I only skip dinner 3 days a week. I wish i could change that.
*sigh* so many things i wish i could change about myself and my life. The only good things that have happened recently are that i nailed a turns combo on pointe for the first time ever and the back of my door now has a huge poster of johnny depp as jack sparrow. Hopefully more good things to come, but that all depends on me and i'm not one to count on. Oh damn. I guess that means everything is just going to get worse. I need to learn how to take control of my life and my body or else shit is going to hit the fan.
Got to go finish my homework and the spanish final that's due wednesday that i've barely started. (see what i mean about taking control of my life?)
-SW
Friday, January 8, 2010
Eightyfour.
I don't even know what to explain. My boyfriend just pissed me off twice tonight. I was only with him for 3 hours though so i guess thats good. Didn't get too stressed out. However it's a good thing there were no sharp objects around after our conversation on the phone before i left the house or else i would have a few more scratches. That's how pissed i was. ugh.
everything is just going to shit.
- cutting
- gaining weight
- fighting with the bf
- lots of homework
- SAT this month
- really depressed
- really tired
ALL THE TIME / IN EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS
New things to strive for:
- No cutting until after the dance convention/competition
- i need to be 85 pounds to have a BMI of 15 and be considered emaciated.
everything is just going to shit.
- cutting
- gaining weight
- fighting with the bf
- lots of homework
- SAT this month
- really depressed
- really tired
ALL THE TIME / IN EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS
New things to strive for:
- No cutting until after the dance convention/competition
- i need to be 85 pounds to have a BMI of 15 and be considered emaciated.
Eightytwo.
Still alive...... but everything still sucks.
I've gone to great lengths to make sure that i wear long sleeves everyday. More and more cuts.
I've started to avoid mirrors and other people. More and more weight.
I've gone to great lengths to make sure that i wear long sleeves everyday. More and more cuts.
I've started to avoid mirrors and other people. More and more weight.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Eightyone.
I don't think i have ever been this depressed in my life. i seriously considered asking my mom if i could go on medication, but then i know she would ask to see my arms and i can't let her do that right now. not everything is healed.....
**edit** and i've actually looked up how to effectively commit suicide by means of cutting
**edit** and i've actually looked up how to effectively commit suicide by means of cutting
Friday, January 1, 2010
Eighty.
FUCK.
so much eating and so much drinking led to so much gaining which led to so much cutting.
I can already tell i'm going to wake up multiple pounds heavier tomorrow.
Let's break the "ice" for the new year. I already got the knife.
oh yeah. happy fuckin new years.
so much eating and so much drinking led to so much gaining which led to so much cutting.
I can already tell i'm going to wake up multiple pounds heavier tomorrow.
Let's break the "ice" for the new year. I already got the knife.
oh yeah. happy fuckin new years.
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