Fiftynine.

Like i predicted, i didn't still weigh 98 this morning. Up to 99. boo... And since i only burned 150 more than i ate today i doubt i'll be any lighter than 100 tomorrow. boo again. I'm on the road to being fat once more. And weight gain weekend (not this weekend in particular but every weekend) is here tomorrow. Fuckin fantastic. I'll have to start all over on monday. Like always.

Why can't people just accept that i'm just trying to lose weight?

Why must i be force fed every weekend?

Why can't they just let me starve?

I'll fuckin eat when i want to.

leave me alone.

Or how about everyone is just stick thin naturally. That way i don't have to look at fat people and i can eat whatever i want and still be skinny. It would be amazing to eat chocolate and candy and cheese and burritos and pizza and bread all the time and still be 90 pounds every morning.

Too bad i ate 600 calories today and i'm not going to be anything close to 90 pounds tomorrow morning.

Fiftyeight.

I feel about the same amount of gross as yesterday, but this time with less hope. I can't possibly be 98 pounds 2 days in a row. Also, i burned about 200 more calories than i ate once again so the same weight loss can't happen again and i know it. Especially when i eat right before i go to bed. That's horrible to do, but somehow i let myself do it most days. Hence why i can never maintain a low weight. I have no self control. Ahh. I'm just gunna be fat forever.

xo SW

Fiftyseven.

Didn't weigh myself yesterday because i woke up 15 minutes before i had to leave the house. Weighed myself this morning because i have an hour before i have to leave the house still and i've already weighed myself and taken a shower.

I'm really glad i woke up early today you know why? I WEIGH 98 POUNDS. holy shit. When i looked at the scale i was in total disbelief and i went back upstairs totally content. until i got undressed to take a shower and thought my body looks so far from 98 pounds right now i don't believe it. Then i realized, i probably lost 2 pounds from muscle turning into fat. That would make perfect sense. Two pounds of muscle is much smaller than 2 pounds of fat so when it turned to fat, i gained in size but lost in weight.

I know, way to ruin a fantastic moment right? Whatever.

I'm pretty sure i'm right because the mirror doesn't lie.

xoxo SW

Fiftysix.

I FEEL LIKE SHIT. no joke.

I ate waaaaay too much today. The only thing keeping me sane is the fact that i know i burned at least 200 more calories than i ate. I burned 2-300 more calories than i ate today which is impressive since i consumed so much goddamn food. Good thing i did situps at home and then had 4 hours straight of dance.

I can tell you right now that i know i'm not going to be 100 pounds when i weigh myself tomorrow. I can already tell. I feel heavy and fat and gross and that feeling can't leave in 8 hours before i wake up. Shoot me now. I can't eat this much when i come home from school tomorrow or else some shit will hit the fan, let me tell you that. I can't drink tea in the morning, i'll have to drink something more filling and maybe bring some celery to school. (yay for negative calories!)

Meh. Hopefully that will work cuz overall, the past few weeks i've done really well (minus of course this last saturday). I don't really even know though. My body seems to hate me more as i hate it more. I start to realize how fat i am and then my body refuses to loose more weight. It's yet another vicious cycle that i am stuck in. FML.

Why can't things just go alright for more than a few days at a time?

Fiftyfive.

Sorry to post twice in one day, but i need to share the compliments i got today at dance.

I was standing by the desk and my friends mom walked up to me and said, "You're disappearing! i need to feed you. I'll make you lots of truffles!"

And during class someone told me "You look skinnier than normal today. You always look skinny but you look especially skinny today."

ha ha! People are noticing my hard work even i'm not.

Think thin<3

Fiftyfour.

Wow. My mom just bribed me to not cut anymore. But i have to say, It worked.

Her conditions:

If i don't cut-

1. no more therapy

2. she's going to body check me instead

If i do-

1. go to a treatment facility

2. skip dance 3 days a week

Honestly i just really don't want to go to a treatment facility cuz i know i don't belong there and i can't afford to miss dance 3 days a week. Like not even because i want to be there, but because there are certain classes that i have to go to.

Whatever. 115 calories so far today. Plus the lentils and vegetables i have to eat for dinner. Which means another 115. So if i do that then ill have 230 by the end of the day but i'm going to say that i will most likely have at least 295. We'll see how well i can stick to that cuz i'm not promising anything.

and if i do fuck up, dance will burn off 270 of those calories. But let's hope that i don't fuck up and that neither do you =]

Stay Strong<3

Fiftythree.

I'm happy except for that little thought nagging me in the back of my mind.

I'm down to 100 pounds ! Woo !

Right? except that i know its just all the water weight i lost from the laxatives. Hopefully i won't gain too much of it back though. Scratch that. I know i'm going to gain it back because i drink a lot to avoid eating, so hopefully it'll just all make me skinnier in the long run. I am eating progressively less and less everyday. I just always have to start over on saturdays which sucks. But whatever. As for right now,

-I've eaten less than yesterday (not hard to do but whatever)

-I weigh 100 pounds

-I fixed my scale ! (yay for me, but now you all have to hear me whine about it more often)

Overall i can't really complain except that my body does not look like 100 pounds. I look a lot more like 105. And as long as i still look like 105, no one will ever know i've lost weight, i won't feel like i've lost weight, and it'll almost be as if none of it ever happened. Loosing weight is only good if you can tell. If the scale said 110 and i looked like the super skinny 85 pound models i wouldn't care what the scale said because i looked good. Too bad right now its the opposite. Let's fix that.

Stay strong<3

Fiftytwo.

Pretty sure i just ate the whole world in the form of wood ranch rolls.

Not that i had that much else, but i had at least 6 of them.

and a piece of carrot cake.

and peppermint ice cream.

But that's pretty much it besides some pretzels.

I can't list a ton of things i ate, but my body feels like i should have a two page list. I feel so incredibly disgusting right now its ridiculous. I have an extra almost two inches around my stomach right now from eating so goddamn much, but i just popped 2 laxatives. Hopefully that will help at least a little bit because i seriously need it too.

And once again i fuck up after a week of doing so well. I don't think i've ever done this well actually, so it sucks that i fucked up a day now. I ate one very very small meal a day all week. On monday i also had 100 calories of special k in the morning, but other than that i only had a couple hundred calories a day in my dinner and that was it. And i did that literally all week. Why the fuck do i do this? As soon as i start to feel good about what i'm doing i go and fuck shit up. Ugh. It just makes me hate myself more and more.

Fiftyone.

I am still the same weight.

Still.

It hasn't changed in at least 2 weeks.

But that bagel didn't help.......

Fifty.

This is a vicious cycle that is getting me nowhere.

Starve

eat

starve

eat

starve

eat

over and over. Starve during the week eat on the weekends. Allowing myself to eat on the weekends has lowered my self control and it's harder and harder to refrain from eating during the week. And when i am successful in my lack of eating it gets me pretty much nowhere which makes me want to give up. When i try, it does me no good. When i don't try is does about the same. What can i do to change that? Because i've been at the same weight for like three weeks now. Help.

Fourtynine.

I don't remember if i previously mentioned the fact that i was having a movie night on friday night and i knew it was going to be bad. I haven't gone through my previous posts and looked. But anyhow, it was disgusting. We didn't go to sleep. I was awake for 42 hours.

Woke up 530 on friday for school.

-a lollipop at school

-jamba juice after school

-veggie chips at dance

-noodles for dinner

-ice cream, a loaf of sourdough bread, and homemade brownies during movie night

-starbucks in the morning to be able to stay awake.

-no lunch

-2 pieces of pizza and frozen yogurt for dinner/dessert.

Then finally went to sleep at about 1130 on saturday night

Then today

-skipped breakfast

-a piece of pizza, grapes, 90 calorie special k bar, and frozen yogurt for lunch

I think that's the most disgusting list of food i've ever had to write. I'm almost too embarrassed to post this. In order to make up for this I would have skipped breakfast and lunch, but i have trapeze on sundays and i'm in the car with my mom for 2 hours which is when we eat breakfast and lunch so i'm constantly being watched.

I look 5 pounds heavier.

I feel 15 pounds heavier.

Not joking.

The worst part is that i was stuck back at the 101 plateau and i finally got to 100 on friday morning. Only to stuff my face and gain it all back plus some. I feel like i weigh about 103 right now. And i'm really good at guessing my weight. 103 is pretty bad. Not absolutely terrible, but it's pretty bad.

I'm disgusting.

Fourtyeight.

I can't say that i'm too disappointed, but i can't say that i'm impressed with myself either. I've had a few bad days, but i've had about an equal amount of days with my calories in the 500's. And if you take those days and subtract the calories that i burned, its even better. But there are also days where when you subtract the calories burned and the net is still 600 or 700 calories which is absolutely terrible.

Also, i can't be disapointed because i haven't gained any weight, but i can't be too happy because i haven't lost any weight either. I don't know. We'll see how it all turns out. Except for friday night when i know i'm going to blow my calories through the roof, i've been pretty good and i plan on staying that way.

Oh and i'm sick. Does that mean my body absorbs all the calories i eat or does it use them up because i have no energy?

Fourtyseven.

I'm so lost. Where do i go from here?

what to do, what to do...?

What am i saying? I know what to do. The only issue is, i've lost all the strength i had that i need to do it. Proof? Lunch today. Asiago bagel. I wasn't even hungry. Dessert last night. Pop tarts. I wasn't even hungry. Snack today. Pudding. I wasn't even hungry. Notice a trend? I'm fucked.

Oh and here since i said i would:

my fat ass at homecoming.

Fourtysix.

Homecoming game tonight & homecoming dance tomorrow. So excited except for the fact that i've been eating like a beast for the past two days. Maybe if i look okay i'll show you a picture of me in my dress =] doubt i will though so don't count on it. I really have been eating terribly. Why do i suck so much at life?