Ninety.

I kind of have a lot to post about. I know it's only been 2 days, but quite a few things have happened.

So after being a vegetarian for almost 6 months i want to be vegan. The only catch is that i know my mom won't let me. My plan is to be vegan without her knowing on all the days that i don't eat with her, and only eat dairy during dinner on mondays if what she chooses to make has dairy in it. However, i'm going to try and suggest dinners to her that don't have dairy in them like soups and salads or chili or even leftovers because then i can eat whatever i want. I have managed to stay vegan for 2 whole days now (today is the third day) but i'm worried about tonight. Tonight is senior ball and a bunch of us are eating at someone's house, so i don't know what kind of food is going to be there and if there will even be anything for me to eat. If every main dish has meat i can just say i'm vegetarian because people already know that i am, but i don't know saying you're vegan after 2 days would be kind of sketchy to my boyfriend who last night said "you feel so small, have you been eating?", so i don't know if i want to risk it.

That brings me to the next thing. My eating habits. Thursday was really healthy, but i still gained weight and i was up to about 102. Friday i thought i did pretty bad. Luckily, even if i binge in my house, a vegan binge is still pretty healthy. I started the day out fine. 100 calories of cereal with water for breakfast, (i know that sounds weird, but i met someone who was lactose intolerant who did that so i tried it and it's totally fine) 35 calories of carrots for a snack, and then 60 calories of apple for snack. Then i got a maybe 200 calorie drink at lunch. I know bad choice. Even worse though was that as soon as i got home i couldn't control myself. I had a big bowl of blueberry Special K, kettle corn, lentils, 2 forks of natural peanut butter, and like 10-12 ritz with peanut butter. I was pissed and disgusted with myself for eating so much, but i was pissed enough to not eat dinner.

I guess not eating dinner worked out for me since i've eaten some blueberries and strawberries this morning and then i weighed myself and i was 100.5. 100 was my first goal weight =] Who knows whether i can stay at this weight or not considering i've been to 100 and back up multiple times, but i really want to stay down this time. I want to try to get to 97. I don't know why that number sounds so good to me, but it always has.

In other news, (the most important news) the boyfriend found out about my cutting again. He says he's worried but not mad, however i think he's a little bit mad. The worst part is that i don't even know how to explain myself.

Me: "It's like the first time in about 6 months and i did it two weeks ago"
Him: "Well how can i trust you to not do it when we fight because you said thats the way you deal with stress"
Me: "Because i didn't do it when we were fighting. I did it before."
Him:"But you still told me you would tell me when you did it and you didn't"
Me: "But i didn't lie about it. When you asked i told you the truth"
Him: "Yeah but i shouldn't have to ask. You told me you would tell me when you did it"
Me: "Why would i do that? why would i want to make you worry about it?"
Him: "Why are you acting like this isn't a big deal?"
Me: "It's not a big deal to me"
Him: "Cutting yourself with knives for punishment and to relieve stress is a big deal! So if i told your parents right now they wouldn't care"
Me: "Of course they would care. It's a big deal to other people, it's just not a big deal to me. if i went crazy with it then it would be a big deal to me, but i did it once so it's not"

You can see how that conversation went. I was pissed off when i left because he was kind of yelling at me and i had to leave to be home on time so that i wouldn't get in trouble. I also didn't want to talk about it. I don't really see what there is to talk about. I did it a few weeks ago. It's over. i haven't done it again. and that's basically the first time i've done it in months. end of story. but then when i got home (five minutes late) he sent me this nice text about how he's not mad, he's just worried because he wants me stop and that he loves me. I don't even know what to say to him about now.

Any suggestions on what to say to your boyfriend in my situation would be more than welcome. Other than that, I'm very sorry that this post was so long. I'll try to update more frequently if i'm doing well so that they aren't as long in the future.

love you all. hope you're doing better than me.
Stay Strong xo
-SW