OneTwentyFour.

No one probably reads this anymore but I'm going to write this anyway.

I feel like shit. Mentally. That's just it. I play it off fine at school. Laughing, joking, talking to people. But then i come home and realize that i feel like shit.

I knew that i wasn't really happy about the way I look now, but i thought i was just going to be OK with it. Just accept it. No one has seriously told me that I'm fat and people have been telling me that i look healthy now and that it makes me look better. I thought i could just listen to that and just think that i look good to other people so it shouldn't matter if I'm a little disappointed.

I realize now that i've been forcing myself into trying to believe that thought. But I don't. I just can't. I can't just accept what everyone else thinks. I have to be at least partially satisfied. I know that my personality will always allow me to find something wrong with my body but if i can feel good or at least OK about a weight loss amount and how it looks i'll feel a lot better.

The most i've lost is 7 pounds recently. and i've already put back on 3 of those. I never wrote what my weight went up to on here. I weighed 115. and i was and still am appalled. I know it's not entirely my fault and that i instantly put on weight when i started taking birth control but i still hate that i ended up that fat. I got down to 108 like 2 weeks ago then held on at 109 for almost week and now I'm 111 and feel like shit. It's so hard to lose weight on this pill. And i tried restricting and that's how i got to 108 but it was so hard for me and it affected my mood a lot. And i know if someone was reading this that they would probably tell me that it's hard for everyone and it's been hard for me before and if i want it then i should just stick it out. It just affects me in so many ways. I start having a worse memory so i do worse in school. It makes me more tired so i don't stay up to get all my school work done. It puts me in a bad mood and then i end up fighting with my boyfriend. And i never have energy so it's hard to dance as much as i do. It just affects every aspect of my life in a negative way. But it's what i want. But i want all those other things too. So it's harder for me in those other aspects then just the fact of not eating. Sure its decently difficult to restrict but i know i can do that. Its everything else that i don't know if i want to sacrifice. But i think i have to sacrifice a little bit on both sides.

I need to continue to eat the same amount as i do now but make it a lot healthier. Healthier snacks and bringing my own lunch and less junk. That way i'll feel at least a little bit better in both aspects. I know it will come down to choosing one eventually and i will probably choose one and then change my mind a shitload of times. It's going to go back and forth and it's never going to stop and maybe knowing this is what drove me to my incident with suicide and my return to cutting.

Everything is just too goddamn hard.

-SW