OneThirteen

I'm switching birth control as soon as my mom takes the prescription to the pharmacy.

hopefully the doctor was right and it will help me lose weight and not have extremely rapid mood swings all the time.

I don't know if any of you have read my blog long enough to remember the first time i thought about suicide and looked up the proper way to do it, but i had just gotten over the thought of it being a good idea a few weeks ago. I began to think that i could start it but i would realize half way through that i couldn't do it and it wouldn't be worth it. Then the progesterone in the birth control started to kick in and the ideas are back.

But what i didn't tell you last time was that i started writing notes to certain people. Like suicide notes. Like how you would expect someone to write one that explains why they did it except i wrote multiple letters to multiple people. Not a lot of people but about 5. I told them why they were important to me/how they drove me to do what i did. (i wrote them in the past tense thinking the people would read them after i'm gone)

It feels really weird to publicly say that. I never thought i would be able to just put that out there.

Whatever. I'm feeling like a huge( in more ways than one) failure who's too scared to break up with her boyfriend again because i'm scared of what i'll do without a boyfriend and i feel bad breaking his heart.

SOOO many things re just going terribly wrong right now.

Sorry if i've been too down for you all, but there really has been no good thing happen to me. I'm feeling like shit.

-SW