Twentyfive.

Well.... my therapist told my parents i needed to get a physical so i went today. I weigh 106 with clothes on and after eating. That means i weigh more like 104. That's not terrible, but i don't want to actually weigh 106. That would be terrible. And now that i've been eating, it'll be hard to stop eating again. I can't wait for school to start cuz my parents can't keep track of anything i eat all day long so i don't have to eat at all. Only one more week until school<3 I can't tell you how much a long to feel empty. I've been feeling so full lately and i can't wait until i can live on empty and have that high. I'd never thought i'd say i miss not eating, but it's true. I became so accustomed to that lifestyle and i think i actually enjoyed some aspects of it which is why it keeps drawing me back (besides the addiction to cutting portion of things). And as for that, i've been scavenging for sharp objects. how sad is that? So i've tried other forms of self harm... I don't know what's wrong with me. I really don't. I mean i wanted to stop cutting which is what got me into this mess in the first place, but now i realize it's become a part of me and i can't completely let go of something that consumed me and was a big part of my life even if it was only for a short period of time. And since i can't let go of it, i don't want anyone to help me with my "problems". All these people who want to help me, i don't know if i can accept their offers anymore. I thought i was strong enough to turn away from all of this, but i realized its not about strength for me. No one can give up a part of themselves. Cutting and starving are a part of me and i can choose to not display them, but i know i can never get rid of them. And i don't want to try either. I think without realizing it i accepted these things as a part of who i am, who i was going to end up being. Even with these things going on in my life, i still have people who love me and people i can depend on. So obviously there are some people who can see past all of that and recognize that i'm still the same person. There's just another side of me that has emerged. I've come to accept it and everyone else should too.